Let Go

And though the California sun had come and went, the roar of engines and revving of throttles carried on far into the night. Across the setting skyline we laid whips, together in unison as the others looked on, anxious for their own turn at glory. The tire tracks had resurfaced upon the hard, brittle earth, reminding us all of what had once been, and what was now becoming real once more. The world was a little less gray, my heart beat a few more times than usual, I think I might just have been living again.

Only when the sun set far behind the hills, and a sturdy breeze began to throw our landings closer and closer to the edge, did we finally hear the sleeping of the machines. A bright bonfire had replaced the commotion with the pops and crackles it left into the air. We each gathered around its warmth, and as I stepped barefoot across the dirt, I could see illuminated faces laughing to each other in the light.

With the earth crunching beneath my toes, I made my way towards Todd who was perched atop a cooler, his mouth drawn to a bottle as he watched the flames. I attempted to steal the bottle from his hands, only to be pushed away as he taunted me in drinking the liquor as I flailed at his mercy. Holding the bottle far out of my reach, he stuck his tongue out in a childish nature, laughing at my own expense.

“Aren’t you a little young to be drinking Rachela?” He laughed as I backed down from my feeble attempts.

“I’m 25 you asshole,” I played along with a scowl, “Aren’t you a little too old to be taunting ‘children’ with liquor?”

With a disgusted look on his face, Todd reached over and threw a bottle of Corona towards what I was guessing to be my face. The brown bottle landed in my palms as I quickly dodge from impact, I could hear him snap his fingers in disappointment when the bottle had missed. Chuckling, I removed the top and, in a overzealous fashion, drank the luke-warm liquid until my stomach couldn’t handle the disgusting taste of warmed beer. I choked quietly, trying to hide my agony and the churning of my stomach by shielding my mouth with the back of my hand. Todd simply laughed at my demise.

“I warmed it up, just for you. Babies like warm milk, right?”

Whilst wiping the remnants of foam and saliva from my mouth, I felt a heavy hand rest upon my shoulder. In surprise, I turned back into the chest of Jeremy, who pried the alcohol from my hands and placed inside them again a fresh one. Shooting my goodbyes to Todd, who was almost positively making fun of me behind my back, I rose to his level, raising the fresh brew in thanks. He was smiling, glancing down at my feet like he usually did. But, as I was about to do the same, he caught my eye, signaling over his shoulder as he did.

“Wanna take a walk Luskie?”

“Sure Twitchy.” I laughed, turning away from the fire and walking slowly into the inky darkness.

The scene had become quieter as we left, not a word exchanged between the two of us. For what felt like hours we paced in silence, until finally we arrived next to his truck, tailgate already lowered as I hopped up onto it without instruction. Jeremy joined me atop it as I slowly swung my legs into the cool, night air. He kept ticking, like he did before something important was to happen, his nose scrunching up as he did so. It happened whenever I saw him ride something important, before he did something life changing, and a tiny giggle escaped from my lips which caught his ear. Quickly, he snapped out of his frenzy, almost as if his brain recognized my voice.

“You changed your game up today. I mean, you couldn’t even get up the ramp this morning, now you’re throwing whips over the kicker. What happened to the Ricci I thought I knew? Honestly,” He stated, his brown eyes now piercing through my own, “What did you see up there?”
“I saw my brother. He told me to let go...”

Jeremy smiled, nodding silently to himself while taking another swig of his beer. He acted like he had been inside my head the whole time, and just wanted to know that I wasn’t about to lie about what triggered inside me, what made me fly, what made me live. Carefully, he placed his hand on top of mine, stroking the skin gently with his thumb. It hit my heart, causing it to skip as I took a sharp breath of the night's air. I noticed suddenly that I was chewing on my lip, allowing myself to be taken over by a feeling, much like the once that had been released this morning. It swirled and rose inside myself until my body was filled with the lightness that I felt as if I could l could float away into eternity.

“Let go of what?”
“My inhibitions.”

And then it came, without rhyme or reason, just like it had the time before. I shut my eyes, feeling the roughness of his palms cradle my cheek and his breath becoming closer to my own. A heat swirled around me as my breaths quickened once again in anticipation. And suddenly, it crashed into me like a wave. Our lips parted and he stole the wisps of breath from my lungs. Time seemed to almost slow until finally my lips fell cold and I laid my head into the crook of his neck. Both of us laid down into the bed of his truck, as if some celestial force had called for it. Still, I couldn't help myself from erupting into a fit of giggles while grabbing around his neck, burying my nose into the tattooed flesh of his neck. Jeremy was smiling now, brushing the fallen hair from my eyes; hesitation seemed nonexistent.

“You know, I needed that.” I said, breathing in his sent, “But if Deegs sees this, he’ll never let you down for it.”

"Let him see it."

Slowly, I entangled my cool legs with his own, feeling the rough denim against my skin. He glanced back over again, pulling me to his chest as he rose. Without question, Jeremy removed his cloth jersey from his chest and over his shoulders, traveling the inked patterns on his skin. My fingers lingered on them as he passed the shirt into my hands.

"Here, you look cold."

I nodded, pulling it over my chest, feeling the warmth it replaced throughout my frame, running down to the tops of my thighs. Laying back down again, staring up into the star-lined sky, I wrapped the long sleeves around myself, the cuffs falling far beyond my fingertips. Jeremy was still seated up, looking off into the desert, until his eyes broke their stare with the tiny tug of my hand upon the pocket of his jeans.

"Come here, you look freezing. I'll keep you warm in exchange."

And so, Jeremy joined me, our bodies tangled trying to keep warmth. Plooms of our breath rose in white clouds past our eyes. The planets and constellations danced above our heads as we laid, our eyes growing heavy until each of us fell into sleep in each others arms, the bonfire still crackling in the distance.

Maybe this isn't what Jeremy had meant by let go, maybe it was. Maybe he had been talking about my fears, my inhibitions to demolish. But, deep down somewhere in my soul, I felt that this is what I needed. What I required to heal, to fill the void, to carry on. Maybe all I needed was a little compassion, and though my mother wouldn't have approved, I knew that tonight was the night to let my guard fall for once.

And all I could do now, as I laid entangled inside his strong arms, was that Jeremy's intentions were pure; That he was the one to carry me through.