EightyOne TwentyThree

Zack has two hours before he’s officially late. The GPS system stuck onto the dashboard of his car tells him that he will reach his destination in approximately .5 hours. The rain, however, is probably going to delay him a bit.

He puts the windshield wipers on a higher speed as the rain begins to come down even harder than before. Zack decides that he must be the best friend ever to exist. Nobody in their right mind would drive all the way from California for a wedding. Unless of course they’re in the wedding… Still, Zack thinks this is a bit ridiculous.

The two day trip has gone quite well, though. He didn’t hit too much traffic like he had expected to. There was an accident on Turner Turnpike near Oklahoma City where the car did not move an inch for about 2 hours. That was the worst of it so far though.

Zack smiles to himself as he passes by Villa Maria School. That high school was a huge part of his teenage years… He spent a lot of time there, just hanging out.

“I hope you all know,” Jack slurs and takes Zack’s cup out of his hands. “You are all my best friends.”

“Aww, Jacky. You’re so sweet when you’re drunk,” Kara says. She makes herself comfortable on Rian’s lap.

“That’s the only time he’s sweet,” Alex jokes.

His eyes meet Zack’s and Zack feels his heart skip a beat. He should probably get that checked out. Before he can diagnose himself with a heart condition, Zack feels himself being pulled into somebody’s lap. It’s Alex’s, naturally.

“You look concerned,” Alex observes. Zack is kind of shocked because Alex was never one to observe. “Relax; we’re not going to get caught.”

Zack wants to argue. He knows for a fact that the security at Villa Maria is ten times better than their high school and he doesn’t think they would be too happy to find a group of sophomores from Dulaney drinking in their parking lot. But nobody would listen to him anyway. He’s never been one to speak out, so why start now?

“You’re cute when you’re nervous.”

Zack breaks away from his daydream, not feeling quite as content as he had been. Being completely honest, he hadn’t thought about Alex once since he began driving yesterday. He liked it that way. He’d been trying not to think about Alex for the past 6 months since he left. He should have known being close to home would bring back these memories.

The GPS announces that Zack should reach his destination in approximately .4 hours now and that he should stay in the right lane. Zack listens and makes sure that the right lane is clear before switching. After he does this, his cell phone rings. Zack’s not usually one to answer a call while driving, but when he sees that it’s Rian, he breaks the rules.

“Hey.”

“Zack, where are you?”

“Um… half hour away, I think.”

“Oh. Oh that’s good. Half hour? You made good time.”

“You sound so nervous,” Zack notes with a laugh.

“I’m just… yeah okay, I’m a little nervous. Um, but hey, I’ll see you soon I guess.”

“Yeah. It’s raining really hard so I might be a little longer.”

“Yeah. Okay, I’ll see you later. Peace.”

Zack tosses the phone into the passenger seat and sighs. Rian’s getting married. For some reason, it sounds strange to say, even though Rian is probably the most mature one of the group. Jack will probably never get married and Alex… well, Alex will never commit to anything.

Thinking about Alex makes his heart ache and his palms sweaty. He doesn’t want to see him, but he knows it’s inevitable.

At the red light, Zack thinks this spot is awfully familiar. His eyes land on the house number to his right. 8123.

The parties were always unplanned. They just sort of… happened.

8123 was the abandoned house on Sykes Street, and Alex’s mom – a real estate agent – let them use it whenever they wanted.

Alex was always the best at throwing parties. He knows exactly who to invite and what to buy. He knows how to get alcohol and how to keep the neighbors from calling the cops. It just always works out. Having everything work out is something that Zack loves about Alex.

Zack’s not a party type of guy. He’d rather just chill with his friends. But this is a party, and his friends are all in different parts of the house – more than likely doing stupid things. Zack’s seated on the couch with Kara, Rian’s girlfriend. She’s telling him some story about her dog when Jack falls into her lap.

“Jack!” she exclaims, pushing his shoulder as best as she can in her drunken state.

“Kara!” he mocks, laughing in the middle of his sentence. “I’m sorry, I’m just so…”

“Drunk?” Zack offers and Jack just nods slowly.

“Rian is puking in the backyard.” He says, and Kara gasps.

“Oh, is he really?”

She stumbles up from the couch and walks as best as she can to the back door. Jack gets up to find more alcohol and that’s when Alex decides to wander over.

“Why are you just sitting here?” Alex asks. His words are slurred and Zack can tell you exactly how many drinks he’s had so far tonight. Eight.

“I’m just chilling.”

“Come dance with me,” Alex whispers, and Zack would have to be an idiot to turn him down.

8123. Those numbers will forever be etched into his brain. Parties every weekend. Gatherings between just the four of them during the week. Impossible to forget. It’s a part of him. They’re all a part of him. Even Alex.

Zack really wants to stop thinking about him. He would give anything to stop. But he knows it’s not that easy. He will probably never stop thinking about Alex – his sort of boyfriend.

Alex was – probably still is – afraid of commitment. Zack knew that from the beginning. Alex was one of his best friends. He knew everything about him. The one – and only – serious relationship Alex had had was with friends. He trusted his friends more than anything and would do anything for them. When it came to romantic relationships, however, Alex was afraid.

That was probably the only thing he was really afraid of, though… He was never afraid the many times that they got caught drinking at the parks, or throwing parties. Or the very first time they tried smoking – Alex’s mom caught them in his bedroom. He just dealt with everything as it came and didn’t worry. Another thing Zack loved about him.

The traffic light remains red, and Zack really just wants to start driving again. There are only two other cars on the road, which he figures is normal for nearly 9:30 on a Wednesday night. But as the light stays red, Zack starts to think again.

There were so many times that Zack thought about leaving. He thought about leaving Maryland, leaving Alex. Maryland was his home, but Alex made it difficult to deal sometimes. The way he treated him – like he meant nothing. Zack knew better, though. Alex may have acted like he didn’t mean anything more than a casual hook-up when they were with the guys, but when they were alone together, Zack saw the side of Alex that wasn’t afraid.

The light turns green and Zack shakes his head. It’s too late now. Alex didn’t want a relationship with him. He made that perfectly clear 6 months ago.

He wants to forget. He wants to forget everything he ever did with Alex and just forget Alex altogether. But he knows he can’t. And he knows he doesn’t want Alex to forget about him, either.

He can’t forget, despite all the times he thought about leaving. Leaving Maryland. Leaving Alex. Alex made everything so hard.

During one particularly difficult time, when Alex was ignoring his phone calls, Zack actually looked into colleges in California. He did all of his homework that night and promised to himself that after graduation he would get out of Maryland. He just needed to keep his grades up. He gave up on that promise, however, when Alex called in the middle of the night claiming that his cell phone was broken.

Zack knows he has to pull himself together. Just as he thinks that, he passes South Broadway. He laughs as he recalls the fight that took place on that very corner. Alex was mad at Rian because Rian ditched them to hang out with Kara. Zack tried to reason with Alex. Kara was Rian’s girlfriend; of course he would hang out with her more. But Alex wouldn’t have it.

“If I suddenly had a girlfriend – Eww – I wouldn’t just ditch my friends to be with her every day!”

“But Alex, they’re on a date. That’s what couples do.”

“I hate couples. They ruin everything.”

“You’re just afraid.”

“Afraid? Bullshit.”

“Yes you are. You’re afraid of falling in love.”

Alex scoffs. “That’s a bunch of crap. You know it.”

The glance that Zack shares with Jack confirms that it’s not bullshit. It’s true.

When the GPS system informs Zack that he will arrive in .1 hours, that’s when it hits him. Alex is going to be at Rian’s. There’s no doubt about that. Alex is part of the wedding, too. There’s really no time to start thinking about every pointless little fight between their group of friends.

Zack really wants to just crawl into a ditch and stay there until the wedding. Maybe then he won’t have to deal with Alex’s desperate apologies, desperate excuses, and desperate attempts to get Zack to explain exactly why he left.

But Zack did that already. He explained everything.

Zack’s sober. He doesn’t like drinking around Alex. It makes him do stupid things. This time, however, he ended up doing stupid things anyway. He shouldn’t have given in, he knows that. But Alex is so persuasive; it’s hard not to give him what he wants.

“I’m going to go back downstairs…” Alex says, picking his t-shirt up from the floor.

Zack shakes his head, but Alex has his back turned, so he decides to make himself heard for once. “Alex, stay.”

Alex turns around with a small smile. “I can’t. I have to get back to the party.”As he pulls on his skinny jeans, Alex laughs. “Besides, why would I stay?”

“I love you.”

It was done, now. Zack can’t hide it anymore. He can’t pretend that he doesn’t love him.

“What?”

The amusement of Alex’s face causes Zack to blush. “I love you, Alex. I can’t even pretend… I really just-”

“You… love me?”

“Yeah… yeah, I do.”

“Well… fuck.”

With his head in his hands, Alex sits back down on the edge of the bed. Zack reaches forward to touch his shoulder, but he’s violently shoved away.

“Alex, I want more. I don’t want to be just a casual fuck to you anymore. I can’t… I just can’t be.”

“You’re not just a casual fuck… you know that. I just can’t … I can’t be what you want me to be.”

Zack knows now that it’s useless. He should never have even expected Alex to change his ways and suddenly want a relationship.

“Fine.” Zack gets up and gets dressed, Alex staring at him the whole time. “I’m done, Alex.”

“Done? Are you… leaving me?”

“Technically, I’m not. I mean, we were never together.”

“Zack-”

Alex reaches for Zack, but Zack moves as far away as he can. “Call me when you realize you can’t run away from love forever, Alex.”

“You have reached your destination.”

Zack stares at the house he’s parked in front of. It’s foreign to him. This isn’t where Rian grew up. This is his new home with Kara. He sits there, wondering how long it took them to move in. Alex and Jack probably helped… Zack’s starting to realize how much he’s missed in these 6 months.

He steps out of the car, but immediately regrets it. The rain is coming down really hard and Zack is definitely not dressed for the weather. California was hot and dry yesterday, so he’s wearing shorts and a sleeveless shirt. No jacket, unless you count the one packed away in his suitcase.

He grabs his bags from his trunk and runs up the front walkway. The front door is already open, and Rian is standing there.

“Hey man!” he exclaims after Zack is safely inside the house. He takes his bags from him and moves them into the living room area.

“Hey,” Zack says, hugging Rian tight. He missed his friends, he can’t even deny that.

“Man, what are you wearing?”

Rian’s laughter causes him to blush. “I don’t know; I wasn’t really prepared for this weather.”

“You forgot what the Maryland weather was like already!?”

Zack shakes his head and shrugs. “No, just used to the California weather.”

“You’re so tan!”

“Well, I told you – I went surfing every day.”

Rian rolls his eyes. They had a whole discussion on how surfing is not a sport just last week.

“Come into the kitchen. Jack and Alex are here.”

“Brilliant…” Zack mutters to himself. He silently thanks God that Rian didn’t hear him.

The kitchen is bright. Everything’s either white or off-white. Zack is almost positive that Kara did the decorating.

Jack is seated on a bar stool at the island in the center of the room. In front of him is a beer can and Zack would bet anything to say that it’s empty.

“Zack! You made it!”

“Yeah, I did,” Zack says, offering a small laugh. His eyes glance to the right. Alex is here.

Before he can even turn around, Alex is moving towards him at an unusually fast pace – Alex was never one to run, or use any extra energy unless absolutely necessary. His arms cling to Zack in a fashion that’s completely out of character for him – Alex didn’t cling to anybody.

“What are you doing?” Zack hears himself ask, his voice high pitched in surprise.

Alex holds on tighter, his fingernails slightly digging into Zack’s skin. It hurts, but Zack’s much too paralyzed to do anything about it.

“Alex, get off him, let him breathe!”

Alex ignores Jack’s request, and Zack feels something wet on his arm. Alex is crying.

“I’m sorry,” Alex chokes out, not even looking Zack in the eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

“What?”

Zack thinks he heard wrong. He definitely heard wrong.

“I love you. I love you, and I’m so fucking sorry.”

Alex Gaskarth just used ‘I love you’ and ‘I’m sorry’ in the same sentence.

“What’s going on…?” Rian asks, his voice laced with confusion.

“I love him. I need him, Rian. I do…”

Zack’s completely dumbstruck – he doesn’t know how to respond.

“I knew you two used to hook up and whatever…” Jack says. “But, you never really got together…”

“Because I was so stupid,” Alex mumbles into Zack’s chest. His arms loosen just enough for Zack to breathe normally again. “I let him go…”

“I… I’m so confused…” Zack finally admits, looking down at Alex. His tears have slowed.

“I love you. I love you so much. I need you.”

“Are you just saying this shit?”

“No. Fuck Zack – marry me! If that’s what it takes to convince you that I’m being serious, then fine!”

Zack’s heart skips a beat – it’s a familiar sensation and he welcomes it. Alex must be serious. He wouldn’t joke around like this if he wasn’t.

“So… you love me.”

“Yes. Be my boyfriend, marry me. I don’t care. I just need you.”

Zack smiles. His arms lift Alex so that he’s standing upright and pull him so he’s as close as possible. Their lips meet and Jack and Rian ‘Aww’ in the background.

“I love you,” Alex repeats, and Zack has to admit – it’s pretty much the most amazing thing he’s heard all day, and he’s pretty fucking happy he didn’t forget about him.