Did We Drown Too Easily?
oh-one
What's this thing that's haunting me? Won't my mind just let me be?
I sat up, a cold sweat covering my body, the same way I had been waking up for the past two weeks. The only thing that had been different this time, was the fact that I was lying in a patch of grass in what seemed like the middle of nowhere, and I had absolutely no idea how I had gotten here.
When my body jolts itself awake I'm always in bed right next to Jeph, unless I slept through the entire morning and straight into the afternoon. By then Jeph has woken up, showered, ate, cleaned up and left the house to live his life, while I stayed locked up in what felt like a coma. An alcohol induced coma.
We used to be so in-love. We were each others' best-friend's. Everything we did, we did together. We were happy. Now, it seems like he does everything in his power to put space between us and avoid me. But deep down I know that I shouldn't put any blame on him, its entirely my fault and I know that. I just can't verbally admit it to anyone, because I feel like its a weakness, and I cannot deal with failure well. I never could.
I blinked a few times as I looked around me. To my left was the ocean and the long stretch of the golden sand only a few short feet away from my section of moist green grass. In front and behind me was all sand and ocean, a few beach houses spread out along the way. To my right was grass which lead into more sand, eventually leading up to our summer home.
I let out a deep sigh and thought back to the night before, trying to figure out how I ended up here instead of in our nice and comfortable bed. When all I was drawing were blanks I pressed my closed fists to my temples and squeezed my eyes shut, "think, Allie, think!"
I took another look around at everyone, trying to find Jeph. I saw Dan, Bert and Quinn, and about another forty people all scattered between the living room and the dinning room, but no Jeph. I brought my drink up to my lips and took a large swallow. It hardly had any effect on me anymore, I was almost numb to the burning at the back of my throat. I looked at my drink and sighed before I swallowed the remaining liquid and dropped my cup to the floor. I didn't care, it was my house, I'd just clean it up the next morning.
I made my way over towards Quinn who was standing by the patio door, picking up a bottle of Corona on my way. I smiled when I reached him, setting my hand on his forearm to grab his attention. He turned around quickly and met my eyes, "hey Allie, what's up?"
I smiled, "not much, seen Jeph?"
Quinn brought his empty left hand up to his face and scratched the stubble on his left cheek. "No, actually. I lost him about fifteen minutes ago. Maybe he's out there," he replied, quickly glancing outside to the patio.
I nodded my head and smoothly pushed past him and through the open screen door. I took a few steps onto the patio and looked around at everyone, trying to find his familiar face. I sighed and shook my head before taking the cap off of my bottle, and bringing it to my lips. I chugged half of the contents of the bottle before I pulled it away to take a quick breath and then brought it back to my lips again, finishing off the bottle. I looked to my right and tossed the bottle into the trash can before walking to the table set up next to it against the outside wall of our house.
I grabbed another bottle and then put it back when I saw that it was only a 5% alcohol cooler. I dug through the bottles in the pale of ice, becoming frustrated when all I found were coolers. I mumbled obscenities under my breath as I walked back over to the patio door and pushed my way through, not caring who I shoved out of my way.
I grabbed a bottle of Jägermeister out of the kitchen cupboard and broke the seal before opening it up. I tossed the cap in the sink and made my way back outside. I ran down the stairs and took a couple swallows before I walked out to the bonfire twenty feet from our patio. I didn't care that the sand was going between my feet and the soles of my sandals. All I cared about was being completely numb, and I was almost there.
When I made it to the fire I spotted Jeph. Dan was standing to his right, with a bunch of our mutual friends making up the rest of the crowd. I took another drink from my bottle before I made it to Jeph. I wrapped my arms around his waist and set my chin on his left shoulder. He turned his face towards me and smiled, kissing the tip of my nose. I felt him set his hands on top of mine that were placed on his lower torso.
Dan looked over and smiled, "hey Allie."
I looked at him and smiled back, "hey Dan, how's it going?"
He shrugged his shoulders, "pretty good. This fire is fucking badass."
I looked in front of us to the large tee-peed bonfire. Half a dozen 2x4 pieces of wood were standing up at least six feet into the air completely covered in hot flames. I had to give credit to whoever made it and started the fire, it was pretty amazing to look at. I would've expected more people to be out here around it, but they were already occupied inside.
I squeezed my arms tightly around Jeph before I pulled away and took another drink of Jägermeister. I felt the inside of my body become warmed as the liquid made its way through my system, and it felt so damn good.
I tore my eyes away from the fire when I felt someone's eyes locked on me. I turned my head to the right and met my boyfriends eyes. There was something behind them that I just couldn't read, and a blank expression on his face. He put his arms out after a few moments and I took the two steps towards him. He pulled my body towards him so my back was to his chest as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I felt his right hand on my left hip and his left hand on my other side. It was the first time I noticed that he didn't have any alcohol around him. He set his chin on my right shoulder and placed a kiss on my exposed neck.
I smiled and leaned further back into him. We stayed like that for what felt like hours to me. I didn't mind, except that the way he was holding me prevented me from being able to bring my bottle up to my lips. I could barley move my arms at all.
When I started to feel a little antsy I felt Jeph move his right hand from my hip and seize the bottle from my tight grasp. I figured he was going to take a drink from it or even bring it up for me to have a drink, but he didn't. He shook it -as if seeing how much was left- and then dropped it to the ground. I yanked out of his grasp and turned to glare at him, my mouth opening to say something...
"Fuck!" I yelled, my head pounding. I pushed my fists against my temples harder and squeezed my eyes shut again. "Come on Allie, what else happened, come on girl," I coaxed myself, trying to force my memory to rise to the surface. The more I tried to remember about last night the more severely my head throbbed.`
I sighed and stood up. I didn`t bother brushing myself off as I headed towards the water. I let my legs buckle beneath me before I hit the incoming tide. I fell down into the dry sand, pulling my knees up to my chest. I wrapped my arms around my legs and tipped my head back. I looked up at the sky and let my eyes burn as I felt the tears gather up at the corners of my eyes. I took in a deep breath, smelling the clean ocean air. It had been such a long time since I saw the sun rise, but even at its beauty I felt nothing but the nagging blackness in my mind and the pounding hollow echoes in my chest. I didn't want to be like this anymore.
I sat up, a cold sweat covering my body, the same way I had been waking up for the past two weeks. The only thing that had been different this time, was the fact that I was lying in a patch of grass in what seemed like the middle of nowhere, and I had absolutely no idea how I had gotten here.
When my body jolts itself awake I'm always in bed right next to Jeph, unless I slept through the entire morning and straight into the afternoon. By then Jeph has woken up, showered, ate, cleaned up and left the house to live his life, while I stayed locked up in what felt like a coma. An alcohol induced coma.
We used to be so in-love. We were each others' best-friend's. Everything we did, we did together. We were happy. Now, it seems like he does everything in his power to put space between us and avoid me. But deep down I know that I shouldn't put any blame on him, its entirely my fault and I know that. I just can't verbally admit it to anyone, because I feel like its a weakness, and I cannot deal with failure well. I never could.
I blinked a few times as I looked around me. To my left was the ocean and the long stretch of the golden sand only a few short feet away from my section of moist green grass. In front and behind me was all sand and ocean, a few beach houses spread out along the way. To my right was grass which lead into more sand, eventually leading up to our summer home.
I let out a deep sigh and thought back to the night before, trying to figure out how I ended up here instead of in our nice and comfortable bed. When all I was drawing were blanks I pressed my closed fists to my temples and squeezed my eyes shut, "think, Allie, think!"
I took another look around at everyone, trying to find Jeph. I saw Dan, Bert and Quinn, and about another forty people all scattered between the living room and the dinning room, but no Jeph. I brought my drink up to my lips and took a large swallow. It hardly had any effect on me anymore, I was almost numb to the burning at the back of my throat. I looked at my drink and sighed before I swallowed the remaining liquid and dropped my cup to the floor. I didn't care, it was my house, I'd just clean it up the next morning.
I made my way over towards Quinn who was standing by the patio door, picking up a bottle of Corona on my way. I smiled when I reached him, setting my hand on his forearm to grab his attention. He turned around quickly and met my eyes, "hey Allie, what's up?"
I smiled, "not much, seen Jeph?"
Quinn brought his empty left hand up to his face and scratched the stubble on his left cheek. "No, actually. I lost him about fifteen minutes ago. Maybe he's out there," he replied, quickly glancing outside to the patio.
I nodded my head and smoothly pushed past him and through the open screen door. I took a few steps onto the patio and looked around at everyone, trying to find his familiar face. I sighed and shook my head before taking the cap off of my bottle, and bringing it to my lips. I chugged half of the contents of the bottle before I pulled it away to take a quick breath and then brought it back to my lips again, finishing off the bottle. I looked to my right and tossed the bottle into the trash can before walking to the table set up next to it against the outside wall of our house.
I grabbed another bottle and then put it back when I saw that it was only a 5% alcohol cooler. I dug through the bottles in the pale of ice, becoming frustrated when all I found were coolers. I mumbled obscenities under my breath as I walked back over to the patio door and pushed my way through, not caring who I shoved out of my way.
I grabbed a bottle of Jägermeister out of the kitchen cupboard and broke the seal before opening it up. I tossed the cap in the sink and made my way back outside. I ran down the stairs and took a couple swallows before I walked out to the bonfire twenty feet from our patio. I didn't care that the sand was going between my feet and the soles of my sandals. All I cared about was being completely numb, and I was almost there.
When I made it to the fire I spotted Jeph. Dan was standing to his right, with a bunch of our mutual friends making up the rest of the crowd. I took another drink from my bottle before I made it to Jeph. I wrapped my arms around his waist and set my chin on his left shoulder. He turned his face towards me and smiled, kissing the tip of my nose. I felt him set his hands on top of mine that were placed on his lower torso.
Dan looked over and smiled, "hey Allie."
I looked at him and smiled back, "hey Dan, how's it going?"
He shrugged his shoulders, "pretty good. This fire is fucking badass."
I looked in front of us to the large tee-peed bonfire. Half a dozen 2x4 pieces of wood were standing up at least six feet into the air completely covered in hot flames. I had to give credit to whoever made it and started the fire, it was pretty amazing to look at. I would've expected more people to be out here around it, but they were already occupied inside.
I squeezed my arms tightly around Jeph before I pulled away and took another drink of Jägermeister. I felt the inside of my body become warmed as the liquid made its way through my system, and it felt so damn good.
I tore my eyes away from the fire when I felt someone's eyes locked on me. I turned my head to the right and met my boyfriends eyes. There was something behind them that I just couldn't read, and a blank expression on his face. He put his arms out after a few moments and I took the two steps towards him. He pulled my body towards him so my back was to his chest as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I felt his right hand on my left hip and his left hand on my other side. It was the first time I noticed that he didn't have any alcohol around him. He set his chin on my right shoulder and placed a kiss on my exposed neck.
I smiled and leaned further back into him. We stayed like that for what felt like hours to me. I didn't mind, except that the way he was holding me prevented me from being able to bring my bottle up to my lips. I could barley move my arms at all.
When I started to feel a little antsy I felt Jeph move his right hand from my hip and seize the bottle from my tight grasp. I figured he was going to take a drink from it or even bring it up for me to have a drink, but he didn't. He shook it -as if seeing how much was left- and then dropped it to the ground. I yanked out of his grasp and turned to glare at him, my mouth opening to say something...
"Fuck!" I yelled, my head pounding. I pushed my fists against my temples harder and squeezed my eyes shut again. "Come on Allie, what else happened, come on girl," I coaxed myself, trying to force my memory to rise to the surface. The more I tried to remember about last night the more severely my head throbbed.`
I sighed and stood up. I didn`t bother brushing myself off as I headed towards the water. I let my legs buckle beneath me before I hit the incoming tide. I fell down into the dry sand, pulling my knees up to my chest. I wrapped my arms around my legs and tipped my head back. I looked up at the sky and let my eyes burn as I felt the tears gather up at the corners of my eyes. I took in a deep breath, smelling the clean ocean air. It had been such a long time since I saw the sun rise, but even at its beauty I felt nothing but the nagging blackness in my mind and the pounding hollow echoes in my chest. I didn't want to be like this anymore.