Did We Drown Too Easily?
oh-two
Only logic will destroy me.
When I was done watching the sun rise from above the ocean horizon I closed my eyes and poured all of my energy into remembering what happened last night. Not only did I want to know what took place after Jeph threw my bottle of alcohol in the sand, but I wanted to know how in the hell I ended up in a patch of grass on the beach near our house all by myself.
I tried to clear my head as best as I could of anything that had nothing to do with last night. I took a deep breath, holding all the air inside before I let everything built up inside of me blow past my lips in a deep, long and heavy sigh. I felt my shoulders loosen and my body feel lighter. I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs before I rested my chin between my knees.
All I had ever wanted to do was just live a happy and carefree life with Jeph, but I had somehow managed to completely screw that up along the way. The part that was most painful to think about is how I had fell to that level of selfishness. I would never understand on my own why Jeph had stuck around, not so much by my side but in his own sidelines. I didn't want to lose him, but I didn't know if I was strong enough to hold on any longer. I was just hoping that he would wait a little longer, because I knew that if he gave up on me, then I would give up on myself too, and I would never get myself back.
"When did I lose my way?" I asked myself. It felt like my insides were tightening together and the back of my eyes instantly started to burn. My vision started to blur, and all I could do was close my eyes and hold myself tighter as images from the night before started to reappear vividly in my mind.
When I started to feel a little antsy I felt Jeph move his right hand from my hip and seize the bottle from my tight grasp. I figured he was going to take a drink from it or even bring it up for me to have a drink, but he didn't. He shook it -as if seeing how much was left- and then dropped it to the ground. I yanked out of his grasp and turned to glare at him, my mouth opening to say something.
"What th-the fuck Jeph!?" I yelled, hiccuping as I glared at him.
Jeph sighed, shaking his head as he looked from me to the sand beneath us. I could tell he was embarrassed, but I wasn't thinking clearly. My compassion was buried deep.
"Hey guys, why don't we all go back up to the deck?" Dan suggested, keeping his attention on the crowd instead of us.
"No, Dan." I demanded, "I'll go. I need a new drink."
Jeph's body stiffened. "Allie, can you take it easy, please?"
"I'm just having fun, don't worry about me. Its our house, its not like I'm going to be driving or anything."
"No, but alcohol poisoning sounds like such a fun time, doesn't it?"
"Fuck you," I spat, turning on my heel and heading towards our house.
I wasn't surprised when Jeph didn't follow me. In the three years that we had been together, that was the only time I had ever acted that harshly towards him. But I was becoming less numb by the minute, and that was really starting to cause a problem. The quicker I got to the house, the quicker I would be able to fix it.
I tripped when I was going up the stairs to the deck, catching myself just in time by grabbing the outside railing with my right hand. I pulled myself up to my feet and stood still for a moment before I began to climb up the rest of the way.
I pushed myself through the crowd of people on the deck and through the patio door. I looked around at the people inside, scanning the place for Quinn or Bert. When I couldn't find anyone I pushed my way through the crowd of people again to get to the kitchen.
I began searching through the cupboards, looking for more of our alcohol. I started to get angry when I could find nothing strong enough.
"What're you looking for?"
I whipped around and came face-to-face with Quinn. I smiled kindly towards him, hoping he wouldn't notice that it was half forced. "Something to drink," I replied.
He furrowed his eyebrows, "you're done the Jaguer already?"
I narrowed my eyes, "fuck off." I turned back around and began routing through the cupboard again, on my tip-toes and my head tipped so I could see better.
"What the hell is your problem?"
I sighed and turned around, "I'm mad at Jeph, okay? You just happened to be the person that I took it out on."
Quinn stood there and shook his head. "Whatever Allie, just continue on with your stupid hunt for alcohol. Its the only thing you care about anymore anyways."
I lowered myself and turned around in time to see Quinn turn his back. "What?"
I watched his shoulders raise and fall in a sigh before he turned around. "You're one of my best-friends, but so is Jeph. So it hurts in more then one way to say this, but I have no idea why Jeph is still with you. You're not nearly the same person anymore. You're just a wreck, always looking for the next bottle of alcohol to numb whatever feelings you have left. I can't even stand to look at you anymore when you're in any type of social environment. You're an embarrassment."
I clenched my jaws together as I felt my eyes sting in fury. I couldn't get over that Quinn had just said all of that to me and not even look apologetic.
"I don't care if all that was harsh. You needed to hear it Allie. I bet you're not going to do a damn thing about it either. You're just going to drink yourself to sleep again and leave Jeph to clean up after everything, just like you always do. You're fucking pathetic. If I was in Jeph's position, I would've been long gone. I don't care how much I loved you. You're so selfish... It makes me sick, Allie."
Quinn shook his head and walked to the sink. He dumped the contents from his bottle down the drain and tossed the empty beer bottle into an empty case on the hardwood floor. He didn't even glance at me one more time before he walked to the front door and right out into the night air.
I sighed and slowly made my way towards the patio. When I stepped onto the stained wood I walked to my right to the table against the wall and dug through the pale. I pulled out a cooler and took the cap off. I chugged down all of the contents before I tossed the bottle in the garbage and grabbed a few more bottles. I took my time walking down the steps and wandered around aimlessly until I found a spot on the beach where I was away from everyone. I sat down in the sand and opened up another bottle, bringing it to my lips and taking another drink as I looked out towards the ocean at the black water. I listened to the waves crash up on the shore as I thought over everything Quinn had said.
He was absolutely right, but I couldn't stop. As I thought about his explosion, one thing kept coming back to me. Why hadn't Jeph left me yet? Of course I had wondered about it before, but I had never really given the subject much thought. Like Quinn had said, I was always looking for the next drink to make me numb. I was such a wreck. So much that I didn't even care one of my best-friends in the entire world just blew up at me and then left, possibly ending our friendship. I didn't even really care that I had embarrassed and hurt Jeph. I just wanted that next drink. What kind of person was I?
I remember clearly finishing off all the coolers. I remember walking to a public trashcan and disposing the bottles and stumbling back to the area I had previously been occupying. I hardly have any memory of falling down in the sand, and no memory whatsoever of passing out. The next thing I knew, I was waking up because I was shivering and uncomfortable.
I lifted my head back up and shook it in disgust at myself. I had become so heartless and I didn't even feel an ounce of sympathy about it until now. I was almost positive that I hated myself more then Quinn did, but he would never know that, because I honestly don't think he'll ever speak to me again. I don't blame him, I wouldn't want to talk to myself again either. I was just disgusted that it took losing a friendship to come to this conclusion about myself and my life. I didn't deserve the people I still had left. I didn't deserve them at all.
When I was done watching the sun rise from above the ocean horizon I closed my eyes and poured all of my energy into remembering what happened last night. Not only did I want to know what took place after Jeph threw my bottle of alcohol in the sand, but I wanted to know how in the hell I ended up in a patch of grass on the beach near our house all by myself.
I tried to clear my head as best as I could of anything that had nothing to do with last night. I took a deep breath, holding all the air inside before I let everything built up inside of me blow past my lips in a deep, long and heavy sigh. I felt my shoulders loosen and my body feel lighter. I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs before I rested my chin between my knees.
All I had ever wanted to do was just live a happy and carefree life with Jeph, but I had somehow managed to completely screw that up along the way. The part that was most painful to think about is how I had fell to that level of selfishness. I would never understand on my own why Jeph had stuck around, not so much by my side but in his own sidelines. I didn't want to lose him, but I didn't know if I was strong enough to hold on any longer. I was just hoping that he would wait a little longer, because I knew that if he gave up on me, then I would give up on myself too, and I would never get myself back.
"When did I lose my way?" I asked myself. It felt like my insides were tightening together and the back of my eyes instantly started to burn. My vision started to blur, and all I could do was close my eyes and hold myself tighter as images from the night before started to reappear vividly in my mind.
When I started to feel a little antsy I felt Jeph move his right hand from my hip and seize the bottle from my tight grasp. I figured he was going to take a drink from it or even bring it up for me to have a drink, but he didn't. He shook it -as if seeing how much was left- and then dropped it to the ground. I yanked out of his grasp and turned to glare at him, my mouth opening to say something.
"What th-the fuck Jeph!?" I yelled, hiccuping as I glared at him.
Jeph sighed, shaking his head as he looked from me to the sand beneath us. I could tell he was embarrassed, but I wasn't thinking clearly. My compassion was buried deep.
"Hey guys, why don't we all go back up to the deck?" Dan suggested, keeping his attention on the crowd instead of us.
"No, Dan." I demanded, "I'll go. I need a new drink."
Jeph's body stiffened. "Allie, can you take it easy, please?"
"I'm just having fun, don't worry about me. Its our house, its not like I'm going to be driving or anything."
"No, but alcohol poisoning sounds like such a fun time, doesn't it?"
"Fuck you," I spat, turning on my heel and heading towards our house.
I wasn't surprised when Jeph didn't follow me. In the three years that we had been together, that was the only time I had ever acted that harshly towards him. But I was becoming less numb by the minute, and that was really starting to cause a problem. The quicker I got to the house, the quicker I would be able to fix it.
I tripped when I was going up the stairs to the deck, catching myself just in time by grabbing the outside railing with my right hand. I pulled myself up to my feet and stood still for a moment before I began to climb up the rest of the way.
I pushed myself through the crowd of people on the deck and through the patio door. I looked around at the people inside, scanning the place for Quinn or Bert. When I couldn't find anyone I pushed my way through the crowd of people again to get to the kitchen.
I began searching through the cupboards, looking for more of our alcohol. I started to get angry when I could find nothing strong enough.
"What're you looking for?"
I whipped around and came face-to-face with Quinn. I smiled kindly towards him, hoping he wouldn't notice that it was half forced. "Something to drink," I replied.
He furrowed his eyebrows, "you're done the Jaguer already?"
I narrowed my eyes, "fuck off." I turned back around and began routing through the cupboard again, on my tip-toes and my head tipped so I could see better.
"What the hell is your problem?"
I sighed and turned around, "I'm mad at Jeph, okay? You just happened to be the person that I took it out on."
Quinn stood there and shook his head. "Whatever Allie, just continue on with your stupid hunt for alcohol. Its the only thing you care about anymore anyways."
I lowered myself and turned around in time to see Quinn turn his back. "What?"
I watched his shoulders raise and fall in a sigh before he turned around. "You're one of my best-friends, but so is Jeph. So it hurts in more then one way to say this, but I have no idea why Jeph is still with you. You're not nearly the same person anymore. You're just a wreck, always looking for the next bottle of alcohol to numb whatever feelings you have left. I can't even stand to look at you anymore when you're in any type of social environment. You're an embarrassment."
I clenched my jaws together as I felt my eyes sting in fury. I couldn't get over that Quinn had just said all of that to me and not even look apologetic.
"I don't care if all that was harsh. You needed to hear it Allie. I bet you're not going to do a damn thing about it either. You're just going to drink yourself to sleep again and leave Jeph to clean up after everything, just like you always do. You're fucking pathetic. If I was in Jeph's position, I would've been long gone. I don't care how much I loved you. You're so selfish... It makes me sick, Allie."
Quinn shook his head and walked to the sink. He dumped the contents from his bottle down the drain and tossed the empty beer bottle into an empty case on the hardwood floor. He didn't even glance at me one more time before he walked to the front door and right out into the night air.
I sighed and slowly made my way towards the patio. When I stepped onto the stained wood I walked to my right to the table against the wall and dug through the pale. I pulled out a cooler and took the cap off. I chugged down all of the contents before I tossed the bottle in the garbage and grabbed a few more bottles. I took my time walking down the steps and wandered around aimlessly until I found a spot on the beach where I was away from everyone. I sat down in the sand and opened up another bottle, bringing it to my lips and taking another drink as I looked out towards the ocean at the black water. I listened to the waves crash up on the shore as I thought over everything Quinn had said.
He was absolutely right, but I couldn't stop. As I thought about his explosion, one thing kept coming back to me. Why hadn't Jeph left me yet? Of course I had wondered about it before, but I had never really given the subject much thought. Like Quinn had said, I was always looking for the next drink to make me numb. I was such a wreck. So much that I didn't even care one of my best-friends in the entire world just blew up at me and then left, possibly ending our friendship. I didn't even really care that I had embarrassed and hurt Jeph. I just wanted that next drink. What kind of person was I?
I remember clearly finishing off all the coolers. I remember walking to a public trashcan and disposing the bottles and stumbling back to the area I had previously been occupying. I hardly have any memory of falling down in the sand, and no memory whatsoever of passing out. The next thing I knew, I was waking up because I was shivering and uncomfortable.
I lifted my head back up and shook it in disgust at myself. I had become so heartless and I didn't even feel an ounce of sympathy about it until now. I was almost positive that I hated myself more then Quinn did, but he would never know that, because I honestly don't think he'll ever speak to me again. I don't blame him, I wouldn't want to talk to myself again either. I was just disgusted that it took losing a friendship to come to this conclusion about myself and my life. I didn't deserve the people I still had left. I didn't deserve them at all.
♠ ♠ ♠
T O U G H L O V ENot diggin' this one, btw.