Standing In The Crowd

Three hours later I found myself wandering near Jennifer’s again. I sighed and contemplated going in, but I knew she would be welcoming and give more than she could afford. But at the same time she was basically my only option…

Or was she?

I dragged my black suitcase over to the rundown pay phone booth decorated by all the taggers in the neighborhood. I rummaged through my pockets managing to find a couple quarters. I shoved them into the slot, wondering what I was doing as I heard the dial tone. As I punched in the numbers slowly it felt like I was watching myself do it.

“Hellu?” Came the familiar voice, the one that made my heart feel like it was ripping in half.

“Look, Mike-“ I started.

“Charlie?” He questioned as if he couldn’t believe it was even possible.

“Yeah. Please don’t hang up. I need you.” I bit my lip, it wasn’t really a lie, “I felt bad about how things ended. I wanted to be able to say a proper goodbye. I really like you.” I told him, barely suppressing more tears from making their way out.

“So this is goodbye?” He asked carefully and I could tell he wasn’t far from tears either.

“I wanted to do it in person. Properly. Can I stay the night?” I asked, wondering if I was transparent.

“Fine. You need a ride?” He asked, sounding confused.

“Mhm. I’ll meet you at Porky’s Pizza on third,” I told him, eyeing the establishment across the street.

“K. Tre`’ll pick you up since he’s already in the van with Billie Joe. They should be there in half an hour,” he whispered before hanging up.

I gently pulled the black plastic phone away from my ear and replaced it on the metal brackets sticking out of the box. I decided that I did need clothes in order for part two of the plan to work so I stated off towards Jennifer’s.

***

“Take it all. I can’t fit in any of it. And if you’re not gonna be around there’s no one else who would want it,” Jen shrugged indicating the growing pile of Torrie’s old clothes, as well as a few of my own previously “missing” clothing.

“You sure?” I asked for what seemed like the millionth time loading another trash bag with clothes. She just nodded before running out of the room.

“I forgot! I wanted to give you this!” She yelled from the opposite side of the house.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, worried that she was giving more than she could- again.

“Torrie bought this for you for your birthday,” she explained, walking back into the room with a red, black, and white plaid suitcase.

“It's my birthday,” I breathed, realizing it for the first time.

“Yeap. Happy sixteenth. Reminds me of mine,” she confide and I knew she meant it.

She’d gotten pregnant at 15 and had Torrie at sixteen. Something told me she could relate.

“Well, thanks. I’m just pack the clothes in here and get out of your hair,” I told her, dumping the trash bag’s contents into the suitcase.

“Just remember to call to let me know when you get settled. If anything goes wrong please don’t hesitate to call me. And remember you’re always welcome here. No matter what. I love you like a daughter,” she told me, pulling me into a hug which I responded to by clutching her as tight as I could, wishing I would never have to let go.

“I promise. I’ll call you,” I nodded before working all the clothing into the suitcase and closing the clasps on the sides with a resounding click.

“You better missy,” She told me before pulling me into another hug, this time it was her turn to suffocate me.

“Goodbye mom,” I choked out before breaking the embrace and dragging my two suspicious looking suitcases out the door and into the living room of the tiny apartment.

I looked back one last time and saw Jennifer examining her daughter’s dresser which had all her tapes on it. I sighed, closed my eyes, and opened the front door and left.

***

The van was waiting in the parking lot, rocking from side to side. I took a deep breath and knocked on the passenger door.

“Hi Charlie!” Tre` screamed, his face shoved against the window.

“Uhhh… hey Tre`,” I managed, confused.

“Give us two seconds so I can show this fucker he isn’t the best wrestler in the world,” Billie Joe muttered, his focus concentrated on pinning Tre` to the wall of the van.

“Alrighty. I’ll just shove my shit in the back then,” I murmured before moving towards the back. My stomach growled angrily.

“See? I can kick your ass,” I heard Billie Joe tell Tre` as I threw my suitcase in.

“You wanna bet?” Tre` winked.

“What could you possibly-“ Billie Joe started, but didn’t get to finish as his legs were swept out from under him.

“See? I am better than you,” Tre` mocked.

“Whatever you little fucker,” Billie Joe moaned.

I grinned and climbed into the van quietly.

“No. You have to say it,” Tre` insisted, slamming Billie Joe hard into the window.

“Never,” Billie Joe whispered hotly.

“Well then-” Tre` stated, but I swept his feet out from under him and pinned him down before he had a chance to finish.

Billie Joe just looked down at me in astonishment.

“Where? But? You weigh like-” Tre` seemed to cry as he struggled in vain to get out of the hold.

“And your point is?” I asked.

“Charlie, you’re amazing,” he grinned.

“Mhmmm…. Now can we please get moving? I really want to crawl into bed and get some sleep before dawn comes.” I murmured, releasing Tre`.

“Fine. Billie Joe get in the back. You’ve been replaced. You’re not man enough to sit up here,” he informed Billie Joe who merely rolled his eyes, but complied with Tre`s orders without complaint.

Less than five minutes later we were on the busy highway on our way to Rodeo with Billie Joe’s snores the only noise in the van.

Tre` kept glancing at me, as if he wanted to say something, but didn’t.

“What?” I finally asked, starting to get annoyed.

“Huh?” He asked and I just gave him a look, “Fine. I was just wondering what made you change your mind.”

“About what?” I asked cautiously. As far as I knew, nothing in my mind had changed.

“Well Mikey,” he said, rolling his eyes.

“Nothing’s changed. I just… wanted to say goodbye,” I muttered carefully, concentrating on my shoes.

“How are you doing, seriously?” He asked sincerely, giving me a look that made me shrink back because I knew I would have to lie. Whatever I told him would make its way to Mike- eventually.

“Just fine,” I lied.

“Then what’s with the suitcases?” He asked with raised eyebrows.

“I’m- I just got Torrie’s clothes today. She left them for me. Jennifer, her mother, lives across the street from Porky’s so I figured I’d just-” I started, but could tell Tre` wasn’t buying a word.

“Whatever, Charlie. But as long as your okay,” he shrugged. I just turned to the window to watch the scenery pass by slowly.

***

“This isn’t Mike’s house. Where are we?” I spun around to meet Tre`s eyes who just grinned.

“It’s our apartment. We just got it. Best of all, it’s not in Rodeo,” Billie Joe informed me, practically jumping up and down. At least I knew now what naps did for him.

“Then we’re-” I prompted.

“In Berkeley,” Tre` nodded, still grinning ear to ear.

“No wonder it took so long,” I muttered to myself, getting out of the van to face a run down apartment complex with the standard six by three foot concrete “decks” enclosed by black metal bars bent every which way.

“You want to bring both of ‘em in?” Tre` asked, indicating my suitcases in the back.

“Uhhh… nah. I’ll just pull out enough for tonight and tomorrow,” I told him, going to the back and opening up the back door.

I grabbed a t-shirt, a pair of pjs I’d borrowed so many times from Torrie, and a pair of skinny jeans.

“K?” Billie Joe asked anxiously, really wanting to go in already. He seemed really excited about the apartment.

I nodded as he bounced through the parking lot, through the front gate, down the graffitied hallways, up the dingy stairs despite the peculiar aroma forcing me to breath through my mouth, and finally stopping in front of a heavy looking grey metal door with a heavy duty lock.

Tre` rapt on it three times then waited as various chains were heard being unlatches before finally Mike peaked through the door.

He seemed to suck in his breath as he caught sight of me, but kept from saying anything about the fact I was on his doorstep. Instead he stepped aside and opened up the door enough to let us in. Billie Joe followed Tre` in, but Mike blocked my way.

I gave him a confused look, furrowing my eyebrows.

“Why did you come back?” He asked harshly.

“Be-because I wanted to say a proper goodbye,” I told him with a false smile, praying my eyes didn’t look like they’d been pouring tears all day.

“Mhmmm,” he murmured, clearly unconvinced. But all the same he let me through the doorway and into the apartment smelling of puke, beer, and pot.

I grinned as Tre` and Billie Joe crammed all the clothes they had in their arms into a room before turning around and aimed a smile full of chagrin at Mike and me as we made our way through the maze of shattered beer bottles, clothes strewn everywhere with the occasional odorous boxer, and assorted bits of food from long ago.

“This is pretty cool,” I told them all, knowing they’d been waiting for my reaction to their apartment. I shoved a piece of cake off the couch and sat down in its place. Mike sat down next to me. I picked through the coffee table in search of the remote, but Mike pulled it out from between the seat cushions instead.

“So that’s where you keep it?” Tre` demanded, stopping over and glaring at Tre`.

“Well I did. I’ll have to move it now. Otherwise you two assholes will just gummy it up,” he shrugged.

“Well- well you make the couch smell like smoke,” Billie Joe accused, Tre` nodding in agreement as he folded his arms.

“And you don’t?” He countered with a grin.

“Whatever dude,” Billie Joe muttered, pulling Tre` away and into the mysterious room where they’d dumped the clothes as I turned to the blank screen, waiting for an image to appear.

“Want one?” Mike asked pulling out a pack of cigarettes.

“You know it,” I nodded and held out my hand before remembering the doctor’s words of caution, “Actually. I’m trying to quit,” I lied, returning my hand to rest beside me, empty.

“Interesting. Why?” He asked selecting one for himself.

“Every time I walk anywhere I have to sit for twice as long before I can breathe,” I shrugged, wondering if I was going to get away with yet another lie as Mike rummaged through the various items on the overflowing wooden coffee table for a lighter.

“Want a light?” I asked, pulling my own lighter out of my pocket. My poor, unused lighter.

He looked up at me, surprised, and nodded. I handed it to him.

As he breathed the contagious smoke out I wondered how long this no smoking thing was going to last.

“Charlie, you want to go to my room?” He asked and I noticed his eyes were all funny.

“Just what is in that cigarette mister?” I asked, finally noticing the difference in the smell of the smoke. Apparently I was so used to smoke I couldn’t even differentiate anymore.

“Tre`s specialty roll. So what do ya say?” He grinned stupidly.

I focused my attention on the TV. It was going to be a long night.

***

The next morning I woke up entangled in Mike’s arms. I groaned as I remembered what we’d done the night before.

It’s goodbye, not I love you and want to stay with you forever.

I glanced at the clock. Eleven-thirty. I decided to get up an make the most of my waking up early. I was sure no one else would be up for quite some time so I pulled on some clothes and made my way to the kitchen to see what I could find as far as sustenance.

Running my fingers repeatedly through my hair to try to smooth it out somewhat, I discovered they had some strawberry PopTarts. I pulled a single metallic package out of the box, ripped it open, and shoved it in the toaster.

I looked around on the countertop and located pen and napkin. I decided leaving a note would be the easiest, least painful way of ripping off this particular Band-Aid so I started:

Mike,

But Mike what? I’m sorry? I couldn’t give him reasons… I decided instead to settle for:

Mike,
This was supposed to be goodbye. It has to be. We’re going very different places. So this is it: the fork in the road. I wish you the best of luck in all that you do. Tell Tre` that he’s a great guy and deserves someone just as perverted, Billie Joe that he and Adrienne are meant for each other (he refuses to shut up about her…), and yourself that there are other people out there don’t be afraid to love.
Goodbye,
-Charlie

I left the not taped to the fridge figuring one of them would get hungry sooner or later, grabbed my PopTarts, and practically ran out the door, remembering my luggage was still in the unlocked van outside. On to my next task: finding somewhere to live.