All Your Sorrows Crumble in My Arms

The more shows the guys played, the more they were asked to play. It didn't take them long to get quite a following and by the time I moved into my ninth month, they were one of the most popular underground bands as far up as L.A. Matt spent most of his weekends with the band and sometimes asked me to go with him, but since I ached everywhere and my due date was uncertain, I didn't often. One Saturday, Justin had backed out of the gig, so Matt was home. He stepped out of the shower we'd just taken together and helped me wrap a towel around my now protruding waist. I looked at him seriously, "I'm fat."

"Nope." He shook his head with a grin. He loved this argument because it always ended with us snuggled together, his arms around me to prove I wasn't. "You're fluffy, with a baby. Speaking of the baby," He lifted me into his arms, headed for the bedroom, not bothering to cover his nudity, "What are we naming him? Lil Shads is not going to be our kid's name, no matter what Zacky says,"

In an effort to distance themselves from the crowds they wanted to worship them, the guys had taken on stage personas. Matt's was a pale-faced, eyeliner wearing, dark prince named M. Shadows. Zacky "Vengeance" had come to a habit of calling our baby Lil' Shads. I laughed, "Well, I was thinking Charlie-"

"No."

"But, baby, I love your middle name."

"And my middle name is Charles not Charlie." He wrinkled his strong, aquiline nose and
lowered me to the mattress. I pulled him down with me.

'"Fine. Charles for definite. Maybe Andrew . . . ?"

"Why not Matthew Charles the second?" He splayed his fingers over my stomach.

"Because I didn't know if you liked that idea, considering how much we tease Brian about being a junior." I shrugged.

He laughed, "I like it just fine."

"Good. Matthew Charles the second . . . I like it." I slid my arms up around his neck and he lowered his head to kiss me. Just as our lips touched, the phone rang. He groaned, "Dj vu."
I laughed and reached for it. It was Brian and he sounded frantic. I handed the phone to Matt. After a minute, he paled and stood up to grab boxers and pants. Rising, I grabbed a maternity dress and underwear. I was dressed before Matt was off the phone.

His ashen face turned to burn hazel eyes into mine, "Justin . . .his girlfriend had her baby yesterday and this morning he tried to kill himself. The dumb son of a bitch drank cough syrup, Daniellea. A full bottle or more . . ."

I gathered him in my arms, "Did he-"

"No. He's at the hospital. Zacky and Jimmy are already there. That was Brian on the phone." He pulled back and wiped his face gruffly, scrubbing color back into it. The emotions on his face ranged from shocked to sad to angry. Matt and the guys had just started to really form a bond with Justin, to really get along with him and consider him a friend. Just a week or so ago, him and his girlfriend had come over to the house, Matt laughingly comparing our swollen stomachs. He had seemed down but not that depressed.

The hospital was quiet, a silence so dead and eerie I was grateful for the squeak of my shoes and the clomp of Matt's heavy boots against the tile. His hand gripped mine in desperation until we reached where Zacky was sitting on the floor in front of Lorrie, his head buried in her lap. Matt got, if possible, even paler, "Is he okay?"

Lorrie played with Zacky's hair, "Yeah, Brian's in there, doing his worst."

This caused a soft chuckle because we all knew what Brian was like when he was nervous-all corny jokes and mile a minute chatter. He could drive a person batty, but we all loved him. Justin always laughed at his stupid jokes.

A few minutes later, Brian came out. He glanced at me and pulled Matt away for a minute. When they came back, Matt motioned toward Brian, "Daniellea, can you go with Brian to see Justin's baby?"

"Don't you want me to go in there with you?"

He shook his head, "It'd be better if you didn't."

I nodded and kissed his cheek., Brian pulled me away. We didn't make it as far as the nursery because Brian confessed that they'd moved the baby to a better hospital almost an hour or so before. I patted his arm, "I understand. Justin probably wouldn't want to see me and it probably wouldn't have been a good idea . . " I motioned to my stomach.

He nodded, "That was my reasoning. How are you fe-"

I didn't hear him finish. My ears started buzzing and I got dizzy.

****

A scream tore through my throat as Matt's big hand pushed my hair back. He could talk through the mask over his mouth, and his words were reassuring, but I could see the concern in his eyes. I didn't and couldn't sooth him though. I cried out and bore down on his other hand as I paused with my abdomen muscles. Twice more and I could feel the horrific pressure letting up. Matt's arm around me let me rest my tired and sweaty body even as the doctor chuckled.

"He's a big one, Daniellea."

"L-like his d-daddy." I huffed.

"Yep. And one more should have him out. Ready . . .now." I clutched Matt's hand again and bore down. A grunt, a cry, and Matt's hand slipped away from mine as he was told to clip. He looked at me with a thousand stars shining pride through his eyes. Then a still mucky and crying little boy was laid on my stomach.

I reached out to touch him, "Matthew Charles Sanders, look what we did."

He chuckled, "Little MC." His fingers caressed tiny toes, while mine counted miniature fingers.

I smiled but had to drop my hand. A nurse came to finish the baby's cleaning and Matt had to go change while I was wheeled to recovery.

Three hours, a lecture of explanations, and a warning to just rest later, Matt came back with our baby boy. He was swathed in bright blue, a sharp contrast to Matt's black hoodie. I took him with his flailing arms spreading wide. I looked up at Matt, " He is big."

"Eight lbs, twenty-one inches." Matt said proudly.

"Way bigger than I was."

"I was a nine pounder." He shrugged.

I gasped and squirmed, "Your poor mother."

He laughed and dropped his hand down to massage my thigh, "You know what?"

"Hum?"

"I didn't want to admit it then but I begged the entire time that I could take your pain."

"It's natural, Matt." I protested even as I marveled at his sweetness.

"But I didn't like seeing you in pain." He reached over and stroked MC's darkly fuzzed head.

I smiled, watching his blunt, large fingers, "Totally worth it."

"I hope you always think so." He leaned down to kiss me. I kissed back eagerly.

A voice laughed, "Don't you think he's a little young to be getting a brother or sister?"

I looked up to see my mom in the doorway. Inwardly, I groaned. Outwardly, I smiled. I was hoping one of the guys, any of the guys would have been the first to visit. Mom reached for him and reluctantly I handed him over. She gasped, "Whoa, heavy."

Matt grinned proudly. I smiled into his shoulder. My mom always reduced me to hidden smiles and downcast eyes. She and Rodney had a way of ruining my best moments so that I always tried to hide when I was truly happy. Matt's fingers lifted my chin and his lips brushed mine, healing a thousand times over the stinging little wounds Mom's harsh words of long ago left behind.

Before she left, Mom did manage to remark how unfair it was to the baby that he had such young and irresponsible parents. She even got in a dig about how teen fathers rarely made good ones. Matt simply ignored her, being his usual polite self but moving the baby from her arms to Johnny's, who'd come in shortly after Mom. I winced, anticipating a remark from her then.

She didn't disappoint, "Johnny, you look like a child holding a child."

He colored but stroked MC's baby fuzz, "I'm not much younger than Daniellea."

"Like I said-"

"Mom, can we leave now?" Rodney complained from the door.

"Don't you want to see your nephew?" Mom practically cooed.

"No." He sneered.

"Bye, Mom. Thanks for visiting." I said pointedly. She didn't come over to make nice to me because Matt was sitting on the edge of the bed, his arm around me. She hurried out the door. I smiled in relief. My son's birth shouldn't have to be ruined by my mother.

Soon the guys all went back up to Justin's room, MC was taken back to the nursery after being changed, and Matt was urging me to sleep. I snuggled against his side for a moment more before nodding and lying down. He murmured a low "I love you" before retreating to the recliner in the corner. I barely heard him.