This Isn't My Mind, This Is Real
This Isn't My Mind, This Is Real
It could be said that I’m going crazy. It could be said, but it isn’t because I’m the only one here; the only one inside myself. I’m shaking with sweat as hair clings to the side of my face and my thick eyeliner runs down my cheeks in torrents. It’s dark where I am… wherever that is. One could say I’m lost. One could say that but you’re only lost if you admit it out in the open. No, I’m not lost. Just… alone. Hopelessly alone in this place, in the dark, sweating like swine.
In the real world, I know where I am and I know who I should be, but when I pull away into my mind, this is what I find. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. More than nothing, really. Just this darkness. Unfortunately for me, this isn’t my mind. As I have said before, I’m not entirely sure where I am. I’ve determined from smooth surface below me, that it is indoors… A very large indoors. I have been wandering in a straight line for a while now and have come across nothing. With each step I take, I can feel my mood go from bad to worse, little by little, ounce by ounce.
Slowly, I come to a stop and sit down, resting my legs which feel like Jell-o. I want to press on and find a way out, but my body is drained from all energy as I shakily lay back, onto the cool floor, which I realize now as being concrete. There is nothing to say that I’m heading in the right direction. There is no one to stop me and tell me that I’m heading the wrong way. It’s completely and utterly frustrating. Have you ever been unaware of where you are? Have you ever been unaware of where you’re going? You can’t be lost without a destination. Without a destination, you are wandering. Much like I happen to be taking a break from right now. I let my eyelids drift shut with exhaustion and I find myself in my mind. But it’s not any different from my situation I’m currently in. There is no happy ponies or talking penguins or any of that. There is just darkness. That’s all there ever is.
Your body reaches a point where it begins to panic when you realize that what you are seeing in your head is the environment that you are in and you can’t get out. I have about reached that point as my eyes shoot open and I jump to my feet, running toward an unknown destination, but it’s straight ahead of me. There is a feeling in my gut that if I just keep going, I’ll reach my way out of this and back into the light.
When I think of that, I slow down. Did I really want to be thrown back into the real world? All it ever caused anyone was headaches. Wake up, go to work, pretend to squish your boss’ head between your fingers, laugh with your co-workers over something that isn’t really all that funny, work some more, throw darts at a picture of your boss that’s hanging on your wall where he can’t see it, go home, eat some food, shit, shower, sleep. Generally, that was my daily routine… Did I honestly want to go back to that? Honestly, no. I really didn’t. If there was something there to be around for, maybe I would like to go back. But there wasn’t.
Then again, if I went back I had a promotion waiting for me which meant I would be getting paid more even if I worked the minimal amount of hours. I would have a better office, be able to upgrade several things in my house, and maybe be able to fix my car so I wouldn’t have to ride my damn bike to work every day. It was a pain in my ass as well as everybody else’s. They had to watch me track every little thing from the outside, inside. It made the whole place smell horrible. Well, it wasn’t my fault I have to ride through crap. Technically it was though, because I purposely ran through dog feces to make the day miserable for the rest of the workers. Maybe we would all get a long better if I could afford to get my car up and running again.
I stop again and run my fingers through my hair, sighing with worry. To stay here or to find my way out and go back to the same hell I lived before. It was a difficult choice. Either way, I would die eventually. Here, in this darkness, I would just die sooner as opposed to later. And what’s the real point of living anyway? Everything you do goes to waste eventually. Nodding to myself, I make up my mind. This was nothing compared to trying to survive in the every day life. There were things in life that made everyday at least some what exciting…
Quickly, I pick up the pace again and run toward the destination which I have finally figured out. I have decided to live.
In the real world, I know where I am and I know who I should be, but when I pull away into my mind, this is what I find. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. More than nothing, really. Just this darkness. Unfortunately for me, this isn’t my mind. As I have said before, I’m not entirely sure where I am. I’ve determined from smooth surface below me, that it is indoors… A very large indoors. I have been wandering in a straight line for a while now and have come across nothing. With each step I take, I can feel my mood go from bad to worse, little by little, ounce by ounce.
Slowly, I come to a stop and sit down, resting my legs which feel like Jell-o. I want to press on and find a way out, but my body is drained from all energy as I shakily lay back, onto the cool floor, which I realize now as being concrete. There is nothing to say that I’m heading in the right direction. There is no one to stop me and tell me that I’m heading the wrong way. It’s completely and utterly frustrating. Have you ever been unaware of where you are? Have you ever been unaware of where you’re going? You can’t be lost without a destination. Without a destination, you are wandering. Much like I happen to be taking a break from right now. I let my eyelids drift shut with exhaustion and I find myself in my mind. But it’s not any different from my situation I’m currently in. There is no happy ponies or talking penguins or any of that. There is just darkness. That’s all there ever is.
Your body reaches a point where it begins to panic when you realize that what you are seeing in your head is the environment that you are in and you can’t get out. I have about reached that point as my eyes shoot open and I jump to my feet, running toward an unknown destination, but it’s straight ahead of me. There is a feeling in my gut that if I just keep going, I’ll reach my way out of this and back into the light.
When I think of that, I slow down. Did I really want to be thrown back into the real world? All it ever caused anyone was headaches. Wake up, go to work, pretend to squish your boss’ head between your fingers, laugh with your co-workers over something that isn’t really all that funny, work some more, throw darts at a picture of your boss that’s hanging on your wall where he can’t see it, go home, eat some food, shit, shower, sleep. Generally, that was my daily routine… Did I honestly want to go back to that? Honestly, no. I really didn’t. If there was something there to be around for, maybe I would like to go back. But there wasn’t.
Then again, if I went back I had a promotion waiting for me which meant I would be getting paid more even if I worked the minimal amount of hours. I would have a better office, be able to upgrade several things in my house, and maybe be able to fix my car so I wouldn’t have to ride my damn bike to work every day. It was a pain in my ass as well as everybody else’s. They had to watch me track every little thing from the outside, inside. It made the whole place smell horrible. Well, it wasn’t my fault I have to ride through crap. Technically it was though, because I purposely ran through dog feces to make the day miserable for the rest of the workers. Maybe we would all get a long better if I could afford to get my car up and running again.
I stop again and run my fingers through my hair, sighing with worry. To stay here or to find my way out and go back to the same hell I lived before. It was a difficult choice. Either way, I would die eventually. Here, in this darkness, I would just die sooner as opposed to later. And what’s the real point of living anyway? Everything you do goes to waste eventually. Nodding to myself, I make up my mind. This was nothing compared to trying to survive in the every day life. There were things in life that made everyday at least some what exciting…
Quickly, I pick up the pace again and run toward the destination which I have finally figured out. I have decided to live.