Crimson Fat

“Most of what I’ve remembered was those moments you made me happier than I’ve ever been before. But I didn’t know then that you weren’t happy. It was all in my head, the memories of us, what I thought was a perfect relationship. You were never happy. You could be though, maybe with someone else. I don’t know if it was you or me, or just the timing, but I’m not going to make you pretend for me anymore. I told you that I loved you and you made it clear that you didn’t love me back. I’m not mad, or ashamed that I said it. I’m just… confused. But that’s okay, because I won’t bother you anymore.
We had some good times. I’ll miss you. I hope that you find happiness with someone. See you in school.”

Sincerely,
Josh

She dropped the letter that Josh had left on her desk probably while she was sleeping, and sat down on the floor with her hands over her head. All she could think about was how much he loved her, and how much she hurt him. He loved her and she broke his heart. She was most certainly going to hell for this.
Sobs crackled through her uneven breath and shook her body like an earthquake inside her. She needed something to wake her up from this cocoon. Josh was her only hope, but she pushed him away, along with Molly too. If only they knew what she was going through, maybe they would understand.
Tristan shot up from the floor and grabbed her coat. She refused to let the knife get the best of her that night, and so she opened the door and ran outside.
The sun was going down and most of the cars were already home for the night. No one was out walking their dog or jogging, except for Tristan who walked alone, huddling in her red trench coat covering her wool sweater dress, exposing her black boots. The air was cold as winter was coming and the snow piled heavier each night.
However, the sun was completely gone by this time and she worried about walking in the dark, so she kept by the park where there was lights circling the edges where the trees stood tall and bushy. There was a figure coming towards her, and she could make out the new, yet familiar outline of her neighbor, Nathan.
“Hey,” he waved and they both stopped walking.
“Hi.” She wasn’t in the mood for chatting and smiling pretty.
“I’m excited for school tomorrow,” he said sarcastically.
“You should be. It’s the best.”
He smiled and looked back at his dog. “We were headed home. My parents are out, so I’m making pizza rolls and eating on the couch.”
Tristan couldn’t help but crack a smile at his freedom plans. “That sounds like fun.”
He paused for a second, thinking about something. “You want to join us? I have extra rolls,” he taunted, flashing another bright smile.
Do you know how many calories are in pizza rolls?
She struggled for a moment but he waited for her answer patiently. “Okay…” She couldn’t believe what she said. She agreed to stuff her face!
His smile brightened and he guided the way to his house. The few minutes it took to get there he was silent and so was she. Mostly, she was calculating the amount of calories that could be in a pizza roll, and how many it took to gain a pound, and how many calories stayed in a person after they vomit it all up. He didn’t speak because he was observant and Tristan could tell he knew she didn’t want to talk. But why would he invite her over?
When they came to his house, which reminded Tristan of that classic Leave it to Beaver, white, colonial home, Nathan opened the door and threw his jacket on the hanger. Then he put out his hand for hers.
She handed him her trench coat and shivered from the cold outside. He closed the door and stretched his arms out. “Well, this is it. Two levels, four bedrooms, three-car garage, and a pool in the back. I read the brochure before we bought it,” he smiled again and led her to the kitchen.
“You have a nice home,” she mused, looking around at the cute little things they had. It was like an actual home that one would see in old movies or TV shows. It was warm and smelled like vanilla and lilac from the vase on the kitchen table.
“Thanks, but may I ask you what you were expecting instead?” he chuckled.
“Oh, well, just something more…cold and airy, like my house. Mine has no life in it. It’s surrounded by antiques that are not useful, and tall ceilings. Yours is actually a home. It’s warm and…homey.” She smiled and looked at Nathan, who was rubbing the belly of his dog and looking up at her with an expression she’s never seen before. It was almost sad, in a guilty way, with pity. Tristan put her head down insecurely.
Nathan was quiet as well and then slyly changed the subject. “You haven’t met Lucy yet! She loves people. Come pet her.” Lucy seemed to enjoy getting the attention and rolled over on her belly for Tristan. She bent down and rubbed her soft, yellow fur and the dog panted.
“I’ll get the ingredients for the pizza rolls. Um…let’s see…” he opened the freezer and pulled out a bag. “Okay, we’re set!”
Tristan laughed and was surprised at how much she enjoyed this. Her crappy, usual day wasn’t turning out so bad. Lucy continued to pant as she pet her belly.
“I think she likes you,” Nathan laughed and dropped some rolls into a pan. “Have you ever had a dog?”
“No. My mother never wanted to deal with the mess.”
“What about your dad? Mine convinced my mom to get one.” His face lightened up at the memory.
“Uh, he wouldn’t care. He’s never home.”
“Oh…it seems like a lot of kids around here have busy parents. It’s different from Boston. Everyone here is workaholics and education-obsessed.”
“Yup, that sums it up. What do your parents do?”
“My mom stays at home and my dad is a doctor. But his hours aren’t that bad. We’re kind of an old-fashioned family. What about your parents?”
“My mom works as a fashion designer and travels a lot. My dad owns an insurance agency, so he’s always gone too.”
“Do you have any siblings?”
“No, do you?”
“An older brother named Eric. He goes to Boston University, in his third year.”
“That must be hard being away from him.”
“It must be hard being away from your parents all the time, with no one in the house.”
She shook her head and they sat down to eat. “Not really.”
The meal went by quickly but painfully as she forced five rolls down her throat. Nathan kept the conversation safe, not roaming away from school and the differences of Charlottesville and Boston. After dinner they went to eh living room and turned on the TV. They both shared a love for crime shows and for a while were quiet, watching an episode of Bones. But the show ended soon and Nathan turned his attention back on Tristan.
“Why were you at the park today, alone?”
“You sound like an investigator,” she teased playfully, but she hesitated with thinking of a reason for him.
He cocked his head, un-amused.
Tristan twiddled with her fingers. “I had to get out of the house,” she shrugged.
“Is everything okay?” he seemed concerned for a girl he hardly knew.
“Yeah,” she kept her eyes steady on his.
“I won’t pry.” He said this as if he knew she was lying. “I broke up with my girlfriend in Boston last week. Relationships are kind of tough.”
She nodded, “I know what you mean. If you don’t mind me asking, why did you break up?”
“I don’t do long-distance relationships. I get jealous easily.”
“It’s okay. It’s less stressful without being in a relationship. There’s less drama.” He rolled his eyes.
She smiled meekly. “I broke up with my boyfriend recently, too.”
“I’m sorry. What happened?”
Tristan paused.
Don’t tell him anything.
“It just didn’t work out.” Lame excuse, but it was something.
“Here’s to being single,” Nathan held up his water glass and she did the same. The glasses clinked together and as they took a sip their eyes met and they smiled.
“Well, I better go since it’s a school night.” She got up from the couch and he did the same, with a disappointed look on his face.
“Do you want me to drive you home? It’s dark outside.”
“She glanced out the window and shook her head, “Thanks, but my house is just down the road. It won’t take long.”
“Okay, thanks for coming over.” The sincerity flooded his sweet voice.
“Thanks for inviting me. It was fun,” she waited for a moment outside his door and they exchanged another warm smile.
He stood next to her outside the front door of his house, both of them waiting for something to come. “I’m glad I know someone at school now,” he flashed his shiny smile and before she knew it they were kissing.
It surprised them both, but it lasted a long, tender moment and felt like nothing Tristan had experienced before, not even with Josh. When their lips finally departed Nathan shyly smiled and said, “There’s to being single.”
Tristan bit her lip, fighting back a smile of her own, and waved goodbye. Nathan’s house disappeared behind her as she walked home.
Today had been so confusing and all she could think about was that kiss and what Josh would have thought. How could she not feel that way with Josh, the way she felt with Nathan? They barely even knew each other.
Despite what happened that day with the letter, the kiss...she still found that the stench left on her from the pizza rolls was the most disgusting thing of the day. So, when she arrived home she made sure that the rolls didn't turn into fat clenching to her stomach. The toilet howled the familiar sound as it flushed down to God-knows-where, and Tristan wiped the corners of her trembling mouth for the second time that week.
The silence felt cold as she climbed numbly into bed and drew the covers to her chin. If Josh knew, would he come save her? He would probably run for the hills, she thought. Who would want to deal with her repulsive habits?