Loneliness Won't Leave Me Alone

Eric closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against the window as trying to suppress the sounds around him, only wanting everything to be over.

The rain was hitting hard against the window, creating the sound of low drumming, and he came to think on Bone, wondering what the man really would think of him. The thought of the drummer, automatically made him think of Skinny, and Emil, "Daddy Nightmare" as Andreas had called him in one of their blogs, referring to him looking after Eric as if being his father.

Emil would be angry, he didn't even wanted to imagine the anger the older guitarist would show off; the thought simply scared him.

He swallowed thickly, opening his eyes to look at the picture he held, gripping on to it almost desperately. It was a picture he had taken only a few months ago, with him having his arm wrapped around the man's neck as pouting his lips out, a habit he never managed to get away, and Andreas was smiling. Big and open, his eyes glittering in amusement by Eric, and happiness too. The same happiness he had seen so many times during their years, knowing that it was an honest smile.

It couldn’t be seen in the picture, but Eric knew that Andreas' arm was wrapped around his waist, holding him close as always before, making the boy feel safe and protected; he could almost still feel the soft embrace, pressing almost torturing against his body.

When he first had seen the pictures, seeing the fans commenting on that it was Andreas' girlfriend, he had been confused, not understand what they were talking about; Andreas was his, no one else's.

He had asked Andreas about it, his eyes clearly showing the fear and confusion he had felt, but as the man just had laughed at him, saying that she was just an old friend, that it was for the fans to not think too much about if Eric and Andreas were a couple, shrugging it away easily, he had trusted him. He had felt embarrassed about even thinking Andreas would have someone else, the man loved him, Andreas told him that so often, and he trusted Andreas.

Andreas had forgiven him for what he had suspected, and now it only felt like a cruel joke, that Andreas forgave him, for believing something that turned out to be true. If only Andreas had been honest, if telling that he had found someone else, it wouldn't have turned out like this. If Andreas had told him what he did wrong, what the problem was, it would have been so much easier to accept.

Instead, Andreas had just left him. Eric wasn't suppose to be home for another week, but he had thought that he as well could surprise Andreas, catching the man with packing his bags, all of the man's heavier stuff already gone.

Andreas didn't even have to say anything, he had understood it immediately; Andreas would leave him, their promises didn't mean anything anymore. It was the first time Eric had seen Andreas truly surprised, a hint of fear hiding somewhere deep in the blue eyes, realizing that his escape hadn't been as easy as he thought.

It all changed then, as Eric saw how empty their apartment where, seeing that Andreas packed down his stuff, making himself ready to leave. On the side of Eric's bed, he had seen a paper, glowing white over the green, and his stomach had tightening as he understood that it was the only thing Andreas would leave behind; a simple good bye note.

The man hadn't even had the decency to tell him face to face.

Right at that very moment, he hated Andreas more than anything, and yet he knew that he still loved the man so much it hurt.

Much calmer than he really felt, than he wanted to seem, he had asked Andreas what was going on, what all this was about. The slight fear in the eyes was still there as Andreas had told him, saying that he had been seeing the girl for four months that they would move in together and; worst of all, the thing that got Eric to turn pale, his eyes widening, the girl was pregnant, carrying Andreas' child.

The sudden knowledge of that Andreas' had been laying in her arms the same way he had laid with Eric, maybe whispering low words of love and care to her too, sickened him, and he had left Andreas without a word, leaving him alone to finish the packing.

When he came back, finding the apartment empty and with the note still on the pillow, looking much like a mocking, the indifferent state his mind had taken disappeared and he fell to his knees, his whole body shaking as he started to cry, not wanting to understand that this had happened.

For three years, he had been able to call Andreas his, he had fallen asleep and waken up in the man's arms, almost always having a small smile on his lips. Andreas always told him how much he loved him, every day Eric heard those words, repeating them back to the man with warmth and honesty in his voice.

Even though his young age back then, Eric had early learned not to trust anyone, to be your own best friend and not let anyone come close. Then he had met Andreas, the man had slowly broken down the protective walls Eric had around, making Eric feel uneasy and vulnerable, and in the end, he gave into the man.

And now this. Left alone, Andreas having left him for a woman, making it feel as if he hadn't been good enough, that Andreas maybe still would have been there with him, if he wouldn't have been a boy.

For two weeks, he didn't leave the apartment, only staying inside and loathing in self pity. Then Björn, his best friend, had got sick of it, forcing him with out, letting him move in with him for a while. The slightly older boy had talked with his girlfriend, both of them deciding that it was best if she wasn't there during; not wanting to remind Eric of what he had lost. Their consideration had got Eric to cry, making Björn feel lost of what to do other than to let his younger friend cry out against his shoulder, comforting him as best as he could.

After one week, Eric left, realizing how tough it really was on Björn to be parted from his girlfriend for so long, even though they spoke almost every day. He had left then, thanking both of them for what he had done.

One more week later, he had gained courage enough to go and visit Andreas.

Not because he wanted to meet Andreas, he wasn't sure he was ready for that, but he needed to meet the woman Andreas had left him for. He wanted to know what was so special with her, what exactly made Andreas leave him to be with her.

For so long, he had made her up to be a complete bitch, cold hearted and evil, forcing Andreas to leave him, but when meeting her, he realized he had been completely wrong. She was everything he didn't want her to be; she was sweet, pretty, a smile over her lips as seeing who it was and she invited him in, apologizing for that Andreas wasn't there.

It had confused Eric, not understanding why she was so kind, if knowing who he was, until Eric realized he wasn't the only one Andreas' had lied to. The woman knew him as Andreas' band mate, but she didn't know him as the man's former lover, she knew they had lived together, but she thought it was simply because it was for the convenience.
　
He knew they both had been fooled, still he hated her, for having taken Andreas away from him. It was wrong to think, he knew that, he should be hating Andreas, but it was as if all the hate towards Andreas got directed towards this woman in front of him as she showed him around in the apartment.
　
The last room she lead showed him where the bedroom, and he froze as seeing the black nightstand on one side of the bed, small lines, flowers and stars painted with glitter over it. It was the one he had done for Andreas, buying some cheap white nightstand and then re-did it for the man's birthday. Andreas had laughed as he saw it, a wide smile over his lips as he had pulled Eric close, kissing the boy long, whispering a low thank you. Eric knew the man had been honestly happy about it, he always loved when he got something hand made, saying that it felt more personal then.
　
He had felt the anger boiling up as Andreas' girlfriend had commented that she wanted to throw it out, that it didn't fit into the room, and that whoever had done it, had done a losy job.
　
She hadn't waited for him to say something, as she continued, telling him that as soon as they got a cradle and redid in the room, they would throw it out, either Andreas liked it or not. As she said that, she stroked over her stomach, over the baby resting in there, a soft smile over her lips, and for some reason, that ticked Eric of.
　
His body reacted before his mind did, blindly reaching out for the closest thing, gripping on a lamp, and swung it up. It hit her in the head, her eyes going wide as she stumbled back, staring shocked at the young boy as he had walked closer, no longer thinking at he repeatedly let the hits fall over her, not giving her time to scream before she fell down to the floor.
　
With his chest heaving and sinking, his mouth tasting sour and dry, as if just having vomited, he let the lamp fall to the floor, the low thud as it met floor made him cringe, bringing him back to sanity.
　
Everything she had said, telling him how happy Andreas made her, that the nightstand would be thrown out, knowing that she had a part of Andreas in her, carrying his baby, had been too much for him. He couldn't stand the thought of her being with Andreas as he had been kicked away as if having been only a toy.
　
Though seeing the woman laying there now, the blood from her head creating a pile around her, realizing what he had done, made him start to cry, hitting his hand over his mouth as he had turned around, falling down to the floor.
　
She was dead, he didn't even have to check her pulse to know that. He had killed her, he had killed a pregnant woman, and he regretted that more than anything he had ever done before.
　
And yet, there was a part of him that was happy for it. This was his revenge for what Andreas had done to him. When the man came home he would find his girlfriend and the mother of his unborn child on the floor, killed because what he did to Eric.
　
Eric closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against the window as trying to suppress the sounds around him, only wanting everything to be over.
　
It wasn't suppose to end up like this, that wasn't why he had came here, he didn't meant to kill the woman, or the unborn child, it just happened. And when Andreas came back, he would know that it was all his fault, that if he wouldn't have treated Eric that way, the woman would still have been alive.

Andreas made him hate her, when he should have hated the man.
　
For hours, he didn't move, only sitting leaned against the window, the picture in a desperate grip in one hand, holding the woman's hand in the other, softly stroking with his thumb over the pale, cold, skin. He didn't think about leaving, to act as if he had no idea the woman was dead, and then to comfort Andreas, saying that he was there for him, they would catch the one having done it. Not for a second he thought about denying this, it wouldn't be right, and he wanted Andreas to know why this had happened.
　
As hearing the door open he let go of the picture, letting it slide down to the ground as turning around towards the door. When Andreas stepped in, frowning as spotting Eric, the boy didn't move, didn't show any emotion. But as the man's eyes landed on the woman on the floor, blood framing the still so beautiful face - seeing the fear, panic and shock, as seeing Andreas' rush to her, kneeling down next to the cold body and realized there was no breathing, no heartbeats, and he looked up at the boy he had once held in his arm - Eric smirked back to him.
　
It was true as they said, revenge was sweet.
　
Sweeter than Andreas ever were.