Hush

He sat, calm and collected, in the chair across from me at the table. His face reflected like a mirror in the shiny finished wood, giving me the feeling that an extra pair of gorgeous brown eyes were staring me down. He watched me boredly, twirling the thin red stirring straw in his drink. I bit my lip under his gaze, taking a sip of my own drink in front of me.

This is as quiet as it gets
hush down now
go to sleep
we were once perfect me and you
will never leave this room

I let my eyes drift to the dance floor, where eyes were watching the boy across from me and I as we sat in silence. The three girls whispered back and forth to each other, even though their dates were trying desperately to dance with them, the girls seemed completely uninterested. I rolled my eyes, throwing them a small glare before turning back to the light brown haired boy in front of me.

He casually lifted the glass to his lips, still eyeing me as he took a chug. Though his eyes were glassy, and slightly bloodshot, they were still beautiful. They’re as light of brown as you could classify without deciding they were hazel.

The silence hovered over us like a dark rain cloud, just waiting to torrential downpour all over every ounce of comfort our lull held. He sighed deeply, loud enough that I could hear it even though there was some new rap song pumping out of the speakers, the bass vibrating from the floor through my body.

“Brianna,” he breathed out, letting his head lean down so his hands could rub viciously at his face. “Why do you always do this to me?” He asked lowly, but just loud enough so I could hear his voice. The pain, anger, hurt.

“Do what, Bradley?” I retorted aggravated, pursing my lips and fixing a glare on my eyes. He took his hands away from his face, dropping them to the table. As his fingers fiddle around with white straw wrapper, his soft eyes raised to meet mine. Suddenly, all the sour emotions vanished. That’s what Brad Miller’s eyes could do to me. And that was nothing compared to just a kiss could do.

“You always come back just as I’m getting over you,” he whispered, his eyes burning into my own green ones. My tongue slid across my lips as I adverted my eyes away from his, setting them back out onto the dance floor where Zach had finally convinced Keyley to dance with him. I laughed to myself as Jonesie pulled a total white boy dance move, flailing his arms up while he grinded his hips into his girlfriend.

Exhaling slowly, I turned back to Brad, who was still watching me intently. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be a bother,” I admitted softly. The look in his eyes told me that he heard me though. Regret, sadness, and guilt flashed through his eyes. His brown orbs were the window to his soul, at least for me. I could always tell what Brad Miller was feeling just by looking into his eyes.

Clamping my teeth onto my bottom lip, my eyes wondered around, anywhere, as long as they didn’t have to connect with his. As some slower song spilled from the speakers, I felt fingers lace with mine, the touch sending electric jolts through my finger tips, and throughout every vein in my body.

Brad pulled me out of my chair, obviously not giving me a choice. Like I’d say no anyway. He only tugged me a few feet away from our table that was placed in one of the many corners of the club.

He detangled his fingers with mine, leaving them cold and empty, but his hands grabbed my hips lightly, pulling my body into his. The feeling of my entire body pressed against his sent chills down my spine, and my head started spinning, and it wasn’t from the alcohol. I tried my best to push away those feelings, and wrapped my arms around his neck.

Brad swayed us ever so slightly, and stared down into my eyes through his eyelashes. They were always something that I loved to make fun of him about. His eyelashes were far too luscious for a boy.

We danced and danced, even after the song changed to another bass bumping fast song, we still swayed as one. His eyes never left mine as we were almost completely motionless. We just needed to be close to each other. I needed to feel him pressed against me again. I needed to feel his fingers softly caressing my hipbones lovingly through my shirt.

His eyes seemed to turn even more intense, though I didn’t seem that was even possible as his lips gravitated towards mine. A million thoughts sped through my mind at once. One stood out above all. History always repeats itself. I turned my head at the last second, leaving Brad’s lips to collide with my cheeks.

I ripped my arms from around his neck, turning on my heel to walk away quickly. I felt the tears rush to my eyes as his hand wrapped around mine tightly, spinning me back towards him with a flick of his wrist. He looked down at me with wide eyes.

“Please don’t walk away,” he cried out softly in a pleading voice. I gave into what I wanted, what he wanted, what we both needed. My hands laced together behind his neck, and my arms pulled down, forcing his lips onto mine tightly.

“Oh, my god, I’ve missed you so much, Brianna,” he groaned against my lips, tugging on my hand, leading me out of the crowded club and back to his apartment, where our bodies melted together as one between his soft sheets.

H H H Hush
you color my eyes red
your loves not live its dead
this letters written itself inside out again
when rivers turn to roads and lovers become trends
This is where it ends

The bright morning sun cascaded over the bed, warming my bare legs significantly. Brad’s head rested on the pillow with his arm tightly wrapped around my middle.

As much as I wanted to stay, just to be with him, I knew I couldn’t. Everything was always a repeat when it came to Brad and I. Nothing ever ended well.

I slipped out of his grip, the feeling of his soft skin not pressed against my bare body anymore made my chest hallow out. I pulled my panties on, and then my bra. But I didn’t leave immediately. Drawing back the curtains, I sat on the window ledge, pulling my knees up to my chest. My cheek pressed against my kneecap as I looked out the window, over Grand Forks , North Dakota .

The sun was just rising on the Grand City , just peaking over the buildings. The town was calm on the autumn morning, a few kids walking to the school down the street, and some people jogging.

As the sun continued to rise, taking Grand Forks out of the shadows completely, I couldn’t help but to make the connection to Brad and I. The sun was just like our relationship. When it’s risen proudly in the sky, everything’s okay. Everything’s happy, cheerful and perfect. But when the sun goes down, it gets dark, and bad things could happen around any corner.

This is the calming before the storm
this absolution is always incomplete
its always bittersweet

I sighed a tiny breath, leaning my cheek on my knees, turning my head from the window so I could watch Brad sleep silently. We used to be so perfect. We were the couple that everyone was jealous of.

Freshman year. One night, things got bad. We got into a fight, and from there, everything was all little arguments and snarky comments under our breath. He said that I only dated him for the nights he was gone on road trips, and I told everyone he was only dating me for sex. So I walked out on him.

Sophomore year. We were in the same English class. It was only a matter of time before something happened. One day, he just randomly walked up before class and pressed a hard, passionate kiss to my lips. Everything was good until the start of the second term. So I left him again, and avoided him for the rest of the year.

Junior year. This time, he tracked me down. He waited after every one of my classes until I would talk to him. And just like that. I was back in his arms again. I could never deny Brad Miller. He was my weakness. By the end of March, we were broken up again. I walked out on him and told him I was never coming back.

Now that we’re seniors in college, this is our last chance. We have all year to make this right. After this, we’re both going to go our separate ways, and I won’t ever have to shatter both of our hearts when I walk away.

But did I really want to get involved with Brad again? Was it worth all the pain I went through when we fought? Sure, I wanted to be with Brad. I could see myself spending the rest of my life by his side, but sometimes the struggle isn’t worth it.

I could practically hear Keyley’s voice tearing through my thoughts. “You’ll never know what could be if you don’t do it, Brianna. Whatever happens will be worth it in the long run.”

I had two choices. I could run away, or I could stay. If I ran, it wouldn’t hurt so much, and though I would probably regret it sometime in the future, I could get over that a lot easier than the pain of what could happen if I stay.

He might not even want me anymore. Maybe he moved on, and just wanted me for some sick, twisted revenge and he’s going to completely reject me if I stay. I sighed deeply. I knew what I had to do.

I stood from the window’s ledge, slipping my jeans on, and then my shirt. Biting my lip, I eyed the grey UND Hockey hoodie slung over the chair at his desk. I grabbed it, hugging it close, taking in the scent of his cologne.

Tip toeing, I stayed as quiet as possible while I looked down longingly at Brad’s sleeping face. My fingers brushed away some hair that was falling into his face, before I planted a light kiss to his slightly parted lips. And then I walked out on him. Again.

I wont make a sound so you don't wake
don't wake, don't wake, you don't wake, you don't wake

The café was almost empty as my eyes searched around. The coffee cup wrapped in my hands warmed my skin. Keyley sighed from across the table, taking a drink of her own coffee.

“Why do you always just leave him like that?” She asked finally. I knew that was the question that itched at everyone’s brains. Why did I leave?

I was scared. Brad Miller had a hold over me. He could kill me with just one word. I was so in love with him that it hurt, and honestly, that scared the hell out of me.

The first time I left him, I swore I would never go back. The second time, I promised I wouldn’t let him back under my skin. The third time, I told myself that I wasn’t going to fall for it. This time, I want to be the strong one. I’m not going back to him. If he needs me as much as he claims he does, he’ll come to me.

“I don’t want to get hurt,” I admitted, looking anywhere but her.

“But don’t you think you’re just hurting both of you more by leaving him?” She replied. I didn’t say anything. I knew she was probably right. But running was just what I did. I always took the easy way out. It was just what I was good at. “Do you love him?” She asked. My eyes finally snapped up to her as I looked at her like she’s crazy.

“Of course I do,” I answered her instantly. Keyley nodded her head a bit, giving me her infamous ‘duh’ eyes.

“So then stop leaving him.”

And though her words made so much sense, I knew I couldn’t go back to Brad. Not now. He was going to be devastated when he wakes up and I’m not there, just like always. I could never bring myself to stay. I was a runner. It’s just what I did.

H H H Hush
you color my eyes red
your loves not live its dead
this letters written itself inside out again
when rivers turn to roads and lovers become trends
This is where it ends

My feet were propped up on the coffee table in my living room, Brad’s grey sweatpants warmed my cold legs, seeing as it was the middle of December in North Dakota, and my landlord still hasn’t turned the heat on fully.

I spooned huge over flowing spoonfuls of Easy Mac into my mouth, listening to JD and Terk attempt to rap, while Dr. Cox called them idiots in sophisticated terms that I didn’t really understand, but still laughed at anyway.

The Scrubs theme song started up, just as my phone started vibrating rapidly. My eyes quickly found the sound, and fixated blankly on the phone that was sitting on the couch opposite to the one I was on. I just rolled my eyes, letting it ring. It was probably just Keyley.

When I woke up this morning, I immediately decided that today was a lazy day. Today was the four year anniversary of the day I met Brad. Lovely for me, it was also exactly one month since I left Brad naked to sleep alone.

I pushed my bangs from my eyes frustrated while I tried my best to read the nearly impossible to understand map of the campus.

Pursing my lips, I took a few bumps to my shoulders as other students rushed around me, trying to get to their own classes on time. At this point, it seemed like I wasn’t even going to get there in the next three hours.

I tried to follow the many paths with my eyes, but it was impossible with all the distractions. Letting out a deep groan, my whole body swayed to the left as I felt an anxiety attack coming on. My fingers started to tingle, and my head started to spin. I closed my eyes tightly, wishing this feeling away.

“Dude, where is the Kennedy building?” A male voice asked loudly, catching my attention as I heard the same building I was looking for. My eyes searched around me, until I found him standing on his phone, waiting for an answer. He sighed, taking his phone away from his ear. “Dick,” he mumbled.

He must have felt my eyes, because he looked straight at me. As his clear brown eyes connected with mine, I felt every feeling of anxiousness and worry float out of my body. His eyes trailed down to the large map in my hand. He seemed to perk up.

“Is that a campus map?” He asked. I could only nod. “Do you mind?” He made some wild gestures with his hand. My eyes went slightly wide as I shook my head.

“U-uh, no,” I stuttered out, letting go of the left side of the map. He stepped beside me, smiling down at me charmingly while his hand held up the other side of the map.

I stared at the TV screen completely spaced out as memories of our past ran through my mind. My Easy Mac had gone cold in the glass bowl. I pursed my lips annoyed. The only thing that has been on my mind for the past month was Bradley Miller. My grades were the proof.

Frantic knocks filled my apartment, echoing down the hallways. I stayed still, hoping they would just go away if I didn’t make any sign of life. I groaned though, as the knocks continued with no sign of stopping.

“God damn, I’m coming!” I called as I pulled myself up from the couch reluctantly, pausing to giggle at how wrong that probably sounded. I shrugged to myself, walking to the door. I swung it open, and then almost shut it as I saw who it was. Brad caught my arm though, forcing the door open.

“I’m not letting you leave me again,” he told me sternly. I looked up at him with wide eyes while he looked down at me with soft, yet demanding eyes. I licked my lips nervously.

“Brad, I-” I stuttered, but he shook his head.

“No, Bri, no argument. I love you, you love me, so we’re going to be together, and you’re not walking out.” He told me, pulling me by my hips roughly into him. I could only nod at him with my eyes still wide as he tightly held me against his body. “I love you so much, Brianna,” he whispered. I bit my lip, pulling away just enough so I could see his face.

“Brad, I love you, but how can I know that everything’s going to be better this time?” I asked him pathetically, my voice wavering a bit with doubt. Brad shook his head, before pressing a kiss to my forehead.

“We’ll deal with it when it comes,” he told me, pressing a kiss to my cheek, “I love you too much to let you go again,” he kissed my nose, “baby, you’re my everything,” he whispered before pressing his lips to mine. I kissed back hungrily but he didn’t let it get too far. He pulled away, and craddled me in his arms.

“Brianna?” He whispered as we stood in the doorway of my apartment.

“Hmm?” I mumbled, my eyes closing in content as my head rested on his chest comfortably.

“Please, please don’t leave me,” he said weakly. I pulled away from him, and stood on my tippy toes to kiss his lips passonatly.

“Never,” I whispered, letting him sweep me into another kiss that made my knees go weak, my head spin, and the rest of the world to disappear.