All the Small Things

So now you’ve met Claude, I suppose I better introduce you to the rest of them.

There are categorised.

We have my Girl Friends, consisting of Carty (Real name Chrissie McCartney. Sorry, I’d have been MORE THAN WORRIED if she was actually called Carty.) (And her sister would be called Carousel or something) and Luce, Harrie.
Well.
Harrie.
What can I say?

She’s small, she’s ginger, she has a perfectly round face. Shaved, she’d look like the moon.
No jokes.
I’ve known Harrie for over half my life now (and I haven’t had a moment of silence since). She was the one that first gave me “The Talk”. Slightly disturbing as we were both five at the time. Still no idea how she knew all this.
Yes, whilst Davie pieced together the facts of life from the years of stand-up comedy we’ve been watching, I had my very own font-of-all-(unwanted)-knowledge at the end of the phone.

Harrie is also very loud.

There is Nikita. Like Harrie, but less ginger and spectacularly less dirty minded. Claude (see aforementioned stalker), Jane, Hokay, Rose, Alex, Blanche, who, I swear now, is just Joules clothing incarnate.

But you can’t not love her.

(She also has three jobs. Reasons for which unknown.)

I also have guy friends too. Don’t think I’m just some weirdo that hangs round with girls wishing he
could be one.
Benji (see aforementioned stalkee), likes anything with curves. May or may not be a
medically recognised condition. Who knows?
Scotty (jock)
Ollie (also jock)
Jamsie (should be in a straightjacket.
No kidding.
Likes to hurl himself into hordes of strangers yelling “CATCH ME!”)
(We often pretend we’re not with him)
And, of course, the ever present, elusive Angel Engels.

Okays, so I wasn’t really surprised that he was coming back, to be honest. It had been going
round school for months.
I’m guessing the rugby team were just overjoyed that they could finally stop losing now and actually be useful for once!
Seriously.
Now, I’m the kind of person that would struggle to outrun a pile of sloths, but even I’m fairly sure that sitting around smoking and comparing gym workouts or something does not count as rugby training.

This is why we suck.

I can’t really remember Angel. He was blonde, that I do know.
He was also short, so we’re all kinda hoping that tall Germans have shocked him into growing some, otherwise we’re gonna get SLAUGHTERED this season.

Again.

And that’s me talking.

However, Benji was doing his damn best to remind me of him. His last decade or so of MSN messages contained the name somewhere.

FelixTheFairy*
Yeah, but I’m talking about CLAUDE. She thinks she’s upset you.

FelixTheFairy
She also thinks Angel’s your girlfriend

FelixTheFairy
Mind you, from the way you’ve been going on, he could be…

ShEpPaRd
Claude? Nahh, mate, we’re cool. She got the day mixed up. She’s blonde! What can I say? Me n her seeing each ova soon ‘neways.

FelixTheFairy
Goodgood. She was being a tad unbearable this morining

FelixTheFairy
And she was doing her ‘guywalk’

ShEpPaRd
Jesus.

FelixTheFairy
I know

FelixTheFairy
WAIT A MINUTE! She’s blonde? I’m blonde!

ShEpPaRd
Nahh, you’re a light brown colour.

FelixTheFairy
It’s PRACTICALLY blonde!

ShEpPaRd
Yeah, but it’s not.

FelixTheFairy
Are you being deliberately obnoxious?

ShEpPaRd
Huh? If you’re gonna tell me off, at least do it using words I’ll understand!

*Okays, I can explain this. You see, decades ago when I was young [strike]and innocent[/strike], I went to one of Harrie's parties.
As a fairy.
Felix the fairy! It's alliterative! It's addictive! I wore it like a title for months!

(I was seven. This was before I discovered it meant something COMPLETELY different. Serious. I didn't even know the meaning of the word 'literally' then, so how could I understand the term 'a term of offence, often derogatory, directed at effeminate or homosexual males?)