Are You Comfortable With This?

Instead of telling me with words, Brendon simply stepped out of the hug, and pulled up his sleeves, revealing the many puncture marks in his arms.
I stepped back and gasped, simply staring at his arms. He pulled his sleeves back down swiftly, and so I was forced to look in his eyes. His pain-filled, sad, guilty eyes.
What do you say to that? Your best friend, who hasn’t spoken to you in three months, tells you he’s addicted to drugs? How messed up is that? I didn’t know what to do; I didn’t know what to say.
“I’m sorry, Effy” He whispered.
“Why?” I managed to squeak out, it was so quiet that it was barely audible.
“I don’t know. It’s complicated, okay? Please, don’t think any less of me” He begged. I simply shook my head and took another step backwards towards the door. He reached his arm out, obviously knowing that I was about to pelt. “No, don’t leave, I need you. Please” He said the begging obvious in his eyes. I shook my head again, not wanting to believe that this is happening to us. I never thought. Brendon would be the one to do this. He’s going to end up killing himself, I just know it; that thought alone is unbearable.
I stepped forward slightly, and he looked relieved, thinking I was going to stay and help him. But instead, I brought my hand back and forward again, allowing it to collide with his cheek. He brought his hand to his face where I slapped him, and rubbed at the quickly developing red hand mark.
“Effy, I know you’re pissed. But I need you.” He said, one last plead. Instead of saying anything, I ran out of his apartment, down the stairs and out the door.
I walked for a bit, before sitting down on a nearby bench, and without realizing silent tears began to fall.
I care about Brendon way more than any word can express, so when he is unhealthy and unhappy, I feel unhealthy and unhappy. I can’t really help it; it’s just a strange feeling that overwhelms me. That’s when I saw Sophie, she was about to enter the big building in front of me, Brendon’s building, but without thinking, I strode up to her, a stern and upset look on my face.
“You! How could you?” I screamed at her, and her eyebrows pulled together in confusion.
“Effy? What are you talking about?” She asked, her voice dripping with poison. Well, to me, anyway.
“Don’t give me that bull. Why would you do that to Brendon?!” I asked, the tears still running down my face in simply frustration now. An evil smirk seemed to make its way across her face.
“Oh, you mean the drugs” She said, simply a statement rather than a question. “It was easy. He was quite willing, actually. I was helping him, get things off his mind. He’s happy”
“He is not happy, Sophie” I shouted. “Trust me. Brendon and I have been-were best friends for years. And I know he isn’t happy.” I said, my voice soft now, suddenly too upset from losing my best friend to be angry.
“Whatever. I’m having fun and whether he is or not, well that’s his problem. He could stop whenever he wants.” She said, turning around to go into Brendon’s apartment.
I could feel the anger bubbling up inside me; I’ve never known someone to be so heartless and selfish. Why was Brendon even attracted to her in the first place? I knew she was trouble from the day I set eyes on her.
I turned on my heel and made my way back to Ryan’s apartment, my fists in tight balls next to me, trying to hold the anger in.
When I finally arrived at the apartment and entered, I slammed the door behind, letting hot tears of frustration to flow freely down my cheeks. Ryan was quick to greet me.
“Oh my god, Effy, what’s wrong?” He said. Did he really have to ask?
“It’s Brendon. There’s something wrong” I answered, sitting down on the couch, Ryan mirrored my actions, sitting next to me. “He’s on drugs” I whispered weakly.
“What? Eff, what are you talking about?” He said, unwilling to believe it’s true.
“I said he’s on drugs! Heroin! What the fuck do we do, before he kills himself?!” I screamed, before looking at Ryan, waiting for an answer. He sunk further into the couch, upset painted across his face as his eyebrows pulled together.
“I… I can’t believe it” He said.
“We have to do something” I said, staring into space.
“You’re right, but I can’t deal with this right now. I’m going to bed” He said, before getting up and walking swiftly to his bedroom. I sighed loudly, while my eyes filled with tears once again.
“I’m scared” I whispered to myself. Of what? Of losing my best friend. I know he’s already gone, I mean, he’s not the Brendon I fell in love with, not anymore, but I’m scared he’s going to kill himself.
I went out for another walk, despite it being rather dark on a December evening. I walked aimlessly for a while before I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket; I stopped in my tracks and pulled it out, looking at the screen. My breath hitched in my throat when I saw who it was, and I quickly answered.
“Brendon?” I asked,
“I’m sorry. Please, help me…” He said, his voice sounding hoarse and dry, followed by an abrupt beep, signalling his hanging up. I stood there, my phone still pressed tightly to my ear for at least five minutes, before I slipped my phone away and ran towards Brendon’s apartment, in desperate search for him.
I arrived at his door shortly after and thumped continuously on the door, as hard as possible. “Brendon!” I screamed, not even trying to hide my upset “Brendon it’s me, it’s Effy. Please open up!” I shouted, my voice shaky from the tears now streaming down my face.
After a while I realised it was no use; he’s not in, and I leant on the door before sliding down it and meeting the cold, hard ground. “Brendon, what have you done now?” I asked quietly to myself, looking up at the damp and dirty ceiling of the corridor. A few minutes later, I jumped up and whipped out my phone, dialling the familiar number while I rushed down the stairs and out of the apartment building. I was met with nothing but his answer-phone message. I sighed with frustration, panicked that I had run out of options, there was simply no way left of finding out where he is. In a few last desperate pleas, I tried calling again and again, but still no answer.
Sitting on the nearby bench that I was now so familiar with, I stared into space, simply too shocked to cry. Something bad has happened to Brendon, I can just feel it, and I’m unable to do anything about it. All those times Brendon has helped me, be it letting me move into his apartment when I was homeless, or simply hugging me when I needed it the most, and I can’t help him this one time he needs it. I remember once when I broke my wrist from rollerblading, Brendon visited me in the hospital everyday.
Then I had an epiphany. The hospital! I thought, jumping up and practically running towards the local hospital.
When I finally reached it around ten minutes later, I entered and I was overcome by warmth and that horrid stench, making my nostrils flare. This is why I hate hospitals. I thought to myself. But quickly shook it off when I remember why I was here. And strode up to the counter.
“What ward is Brendon Urie in?” I asked the snobby-looking receptionist.
“21. Just follow the yellow line” She answered, her posh accent shining through. I smiled weakly and nodded before making my way to Brendon, following the yellow line as instructed. I was shocked with what I saw.
Brendon was lying there, looking even paler then when we previously met, which was just on the same day, may I add. My heart sunk as I noticed how peaceful, yet unhappy he looked at the same time. His cheeks were still sunken, and huge bags still hung loosely from his eyes, emphasizing his exhaustion, while his mouth hung loose in less than a frown. I took another step forward, sighing as I studied him. He looked truly unhealthy, wires hanging from him everywhere as the machine next to him beeped evenly, and almost soothingly. It was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders that I found him, and an even bigger relief that he was still alive - barely, mind, but at least he was breathing.
I walked over to him now, and folded my lips over as my eyes filled with tears, trying to prevent myself from crying.
“Excuse me?” One of the nurses said, bringing me back to reality. I snapped my head up to meet her, surprised by the sudden noise. “Sorry, but you can only visit if you’re family. Are you his sister?” She asked. I thought for a minute, and nodded, not caring about lying. She simply smiled and nodded back, before turning on her heel and going to take care for a patient in the ward next door.
When she was out of sight, I immediately let my eyes fall back to Brendon, and I walked over to him, sighing as I sat down on the chair next to him. I looked him up and down, studying every last thing about him, before grabbing his hand and bringing it up to press my lips to it softly, all the while the tears developing, and fast, in my eyes.
“What have you done you yourself?” I whispered, not wanting to believe the dreadful sight in front of me. My head snapped up to the door at the sound of it opening, and in walked the nurse from earlier, coming in to check on him or something.
“How are you doing, hun?” She asked, giving me a sympathetic smile. I smiled back and shrugged. “You know, I don’t buy for one second that you’re his sister. Siblings don’t look at one another like that” She said, a warm expression on her face. I sighed loudly, looking down at my hand, clinging on to Brendon’s. “You’re secrets safe with me though. I can see you love him, a lot. Want a blanket?” She asked. I shook my head, just wishing she would leave me alone with Brendon, but I suddenly realized I don’t know what happened. I cleared my throat as she was about to leave.
“Excuse me,” I said, and she turned around to look at me, a questioning look on her face. “Can you tell me what happened to him? I really need to know” I said, knowing the pleading was obvious in my eyes. Begging, almost. She sighed and walked over to sit on Brendon’s bed opposite me.
“Well, I don’t really know the full story, but it was drugs, I’m afraid. The paramedics were called and he was found sprawled out, unconscious outside some club. I guess he just took too much than he could handle. I’m sorry.” She said, taking my hand in an attempt to comfort me. I cleared my throat again.
“Is… Is he going to be okay?” I asked, my head screaming, begging that he’d be okay. The nurse just looked at me for a while with sympathetic eyes, waiting, for what? My brain continued to scream profanities at her, while I silently begged that he’d recover from this, and go back to normal. She sighed.
“There is a chance that he will recover healthily from this. But only time will tell, I’m afraid” She answered, rubbing soothing circle into my hands with her thumb. I nodded, not wanting to speak as I knew only too well that I would burst out in tears if I dared to, and swallowed down the huge lump at the back of my throat, that was now developing with the urge of wanting to cry.
“Thank you” I managed to squeak out and she nodded solemnly before walking out and closing the door behind her. I looked back down at Brendon and involuntarily let out a cry.
Next on the list was waiting, waiting for the morning, when he would either wake up and begin the long road to recovery, me behind him every step of the way, or stay asleep, and never wake up again.
I could already tell this was going to be a long night.

[title credit goes to misguided ghosts - paramore]