Are You Comfortable With This?

I woke up the next morning half sprawled across Brendon’s legs, as I was still sitting in the chair.
As soon as I opened my eyes, I closed them again because of the strong sunlight streaming in through the curtains, five minutes later I finally sat up, the events of yesterday slowly coming back to me. I immediately turned to Brendon, who hadn’t moved all night; he was still laying there, eyes closed, peaceful. I almost didn’t want him to wake up. Almost.
Suddenly I felt a strong pang of hunger in my stomach, and I knew I should probably go grab something to eat, not right now, though. I wanted to be there when he wakes up.
I looked down at Brendon once more, and pushed his hair right back, allowing me to look at all of his face.
“Please wake up. For me,” I whispered, before leaning down and kissing him on the corner of his mouth. My heart fell slightly as I realized that was probably the closest I would ever get to kissing him.
Just as I was sitting back down in the chair, Ryan came bursting through the door, panting.
“Why didn’t you call me, Effy?” He asked, looking slightly hurt. I shrugged my shoulders, never taking my eyes from Brendon; my mind was too pre-occupied to feel bad. Around five minutes later, after Ryan grabbed another chair from the side and sat next to me, I felt his arms wrap around my shoulders and pull me onto his lap. I leant on his shoulder, still watching Brendon, appreciating the gesture. Then my stomach erupted in a huge growl for food, I didn’t even flinch. Ryan looked down at me. “We need to get you come food.” He said. I nodded but didn’t move.
“I don’t want to leave him” I said, Ryan didn’t bother in trying to persuade me.
“Okay, well want me to grab you something?”
“Just a coffee, thanks” I answered, not even feeling the hunger that I apparently have. He nodded before turning on his heel and leaving the room. I looked back at Brendon, and back to my hands again, his unhealthy state saddening me. I stared at my hands for what felt like an eternity, and it was almost like I was in my own world, just getting lost in my own thoughts, so lost in fact that I didn’t even feel it when Brendon moved underneath me. It was when he cleared his throat that I realised what was happening, and I looked up at him with wide eyes, completely shocked.
“Effy?” He asked, squinting his eyes. His voice reflected perfectly how he looked, and probably how he felt aswell, it was lower than usual, and hoarse, and dry. He smiled slightly at me, obviously uncomfortable under my gaze, that’s when my eyes filled with tears. Happy tears, this time, and a wide grin found its way across my face. I immediately jumped up and engulfed Brendon in a hug, clinging onto his hospital-gown as if he was about to leave me again any second. He pulled me close, wrapping his frail arms around my waist. “I missed you” He whispered into my ear, his warm breath sent shivers down my spine.
“I missed you too.” I said, sitting back down again, but grabbing his hand between my own, never wanting to let go of him again. “I almost thought I lost you there” I said, sad again when I realised there was still a long way to go until I get my Brendon back again. I noticed the colour of his eyes I loved so much was gone, and in its place there was a dull, boring… dead one. It didn’t represent Brendon at all. It pained me to see every hint of happiness completely drained from his face.
Just then, Ryan erupted in the room, two steaming cups of coffee in his hands, and he gasped when he saw Brendon awake, and grinning half heartedly at him. He immediately placed the coffee down on the table and hugged Brendon in one of those awkward man hugs. I smiled at them, happy that I was with my best friends again. “It’s good to see you, man” Ryan said, sitting down in his previous seat.
“Yeah, you too” He replied. Then the nurse from last night came in, and winked at me before placing Brendon’s breakfast in front of him. When she left, it didn’t take long for Brendon to dig into the pancakes now displayed in front of him. Ryan and I watched him while he ate, simply content that he was there. When he finished he lay back down, and threw his fork down with pride. The nurse came back in to collect his dish not soon after, but was soon sidetracked when Brendon began to vomit uncontrollably. My face contorted into a horrified one, and I hated myself suddenly for letting this happen to him. If I had been there with him, he would never have gotten into drugs. It’s my fault he’s like this.
While all these thoughts were running through my head, I couldn’t bear watching him like this anymore, and so made a quick get away from the room, grabbing Ryan’s keys on the way out, so I could go home and grab a shower. I hated myself for leaving him like that, but I simply couldn’t watch him suffer like that.
As I was at the wheel of the car, I couldn’t help but let my mind wander back to that day, the day he kicked me out, the day it all started. Just thinking about it made that knife in my heart plunge deeper and deeper.
I reached my apartment after what felt like an eternity, and jumped straight in the shower, letting the soldering hot water pulsate through me, allowing me to forget for that short time all the troubles going on.
When I got out the shower, I felt marginally better, more awake, I guess. I went to my suitcase – still not having a room, and all – and grabbed a pair of clean jeans, and a yellow t-shirt reading “REVOLUTION”.
I slipped on my trainers before heading back out to the car, stopping by at Brendon’s to grab some clean clothes and toiletries, you know, to be nice.
When I got back to the hospital, I felt refreshed, and more confident, and made my way to Brendon’s ward. Ryan wasn’t there, but I just shrugged it off, thinking he was in the canteen or something. After all, it is around two o clock.
“I bought you some clean clothes” I said to him, he simply took the bag I handed to him with a grunt and started to rummage through it, before placing it on the floor next to him. “Do you need anything else?” I asked.
“No” He spat. I pulled my eyebrows together in confusion.
“What? What’s wrong with you?” I asked.
“Nothing, I’m fine.” He said, in monotone.
“Well that’s obviously a lie” I stated.
“I’m fine! For gods sake, Effy! Just leave me alone!” He shouted. I flinched slightly, but did as I was told and left the ward, my eyes already beginning to fill with tears at the sound of hatred in his voice. What had I done wrong this time?
“Excuse me? Oh, Hunny what’s wrong?” I looked up to where the voice was coming from, and saw it was the nurse, again. I shook my head, and laughed nervously, not wanting to cause a scene. “Oh, come on, you can tell me” She pressed. I sighed.
“It’s Brendon, he just snapped at me. It’s probably nothing, I’m just over exaggerating.” I said, trying to lighten the situation and sound a little bit less pathetic.
“Oh not at all, I completely understand why that would upset you. But he’s only acting like that because of the drugs; he’s craving them and so will probably get angry very easily. That’s why he was vomiting earlier, it’s a withdrawal symptom.” I nodded; suddenly feeling extremely embarrassed and felt my cheeks darken at how stupid I felt.
“Oh, okay, well thank you.” I said, before smiling and going to find Ryan.
He was in the canteen, like I thought, just staring at his half-empty mug of coffee.
“Hey.” I said lifelessly while sitting down opposite him. He didn’t say anything back, but his eyes just flickered to mine and back to his coffee. “He’s going to be fine, isn’t he Ryan? Please tell me he’ll recover.” I said, helplessly, my voice shaky, and weak. Ryan looked me in the eye and sighed, pulling his chair so we were next to each other, and wrapping his arm around my shoulders.
“Effy, I can’t promise you anything. There is a possibility that he’ll never leave this hospital, but that’s why we’re here. The chance that he’ll be okay, though, is much bigger, so you just have to keep thinking about that, alright?” He said, before pressing his lips firmly to my hair, to comfort me. I nodded, not wanting to believe anything at this point; by now I have learned that getting your hopes up in a situation like this is the worst possible thing to do.
“I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to see him like this, Ryan” I said, scared of what could happen, scared that he’ll get hooked again, but most of all, I was scared that I’ll lose my Brendon forever.
“I know, Eff. It’s hard, but we’ll get through, I promise.” He answered. I simply nodded, sighing.

[title credit goes to misguided ghosts - paramore]