Are You Comfortable With This?

It’s amazing how drastically four little letters can something. Whether it be a situation, or someone’s life; the change is most certainly still prominent and there.
It may sound cliché, and perhaps even a little bit silly, but ever since I have confessed my feelings about Brendon to myself, I feel like my life has changed, and the worst thing is I’m not quite sure whether it has changed for the worst, or the best yet.
Ever since that day, a strange mixture of feelings has been practically overflowing, threatening to explode any minute; worry, unhappiness, exhaustion, panic, anger, and so many other negative feelings which I can’t seem to place my finger on. However, there as also been happiness, laughter, reward, relief, and the whole thing this is centred around; love. There’s also the fact that I have been pretty much neglecting all my other friends; not bothering to go to work, or to even call in sick, I’m guessing I’m fired; but I don’t care. I have a one-track mind right now, and that track is Brendon’s recovery
“I think you’re ready to go home” the Doctor had said. Those seven words have never meant so much to me before. I felt my tears well up with nothing but joy, before hugging Brendon tightly to my body, him pulling me close back.
“I’ll give you two a minute” he said, before smiling happily at us and walking through the door. I didn’t do anything, too occupied with clinging onto Brendon as if he was going to run away any minute.
“I can’t believe it. We’ve made it” I said, after sitting down again and looking him in the eyes.
“I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you, you know. Thank you” He said, with shiny eyes.
“It’s nothing. I promised I would be here for you, and I was. Just promise me you will never do that again. I mean, you almost killed yourself, Brendon. I don’t know what I would have done…” I said, my eyes flooding.
“Shh. Don’t think about that, there’s no need. I’m here now, happy and healthy, and I promise you I will never touch it again” He said, referring to the drugs. I grinned at him, happy. Suddenly, my mind raced back to when he abandoned me, refusing to talk to be for three months, and my happiness dropped. He noticed this in my face, and his eyebrows furrowed.
“Can I ask you a question?” I asked, looking him in the eyes. He nodded warily, staring back; worry filling his eyes. “What happened? Why did you stop talking to me?” I asked softly, my voice dripping with nothing but upset as it all came flooding back to me. He sighed and looked down at his hands. I just sat there, looking at his face, waiting. He sighed once again before speaking.
“It’s complicated.” He said simply. I carried on staring, letting him know that that isn’t enough. He sighed for the third time. “It was Sophie. She was jealous of you. She made me kick you out, lose all connection with you. I’m sorry, Effy.” He said, pleading with his eyes. For what? I don’t know, forgiveness, possibly? I let out a shaky sigh, unhappy with the answer he gave me.
“Why did you listen to her?” I whispered.
“It’s hard to explain. But you have to understand, Effy. You must understand that I needed her. I needed the fix. I needed it.” He said, the desperation practically radiating off of him.
“Is there anything else?” I asked. He knew exactly what I meant, and sighed.
“Yes. I needed her too. I was in love with her” He said. I dropped my gaze down to my hands as I felt all my previous feelings flood back. I can’t let him know, though. He can’t find out how much I love him; how much this hurts.
“What about now. Do you love her now?” I asked, in the most casual way I could, trying not to give away too much.
“I don’t know, Effy.” He answered, looking down at his hands once again. I sighed and nodded, trying my best to hide my feelings; to keep my face straight. I smiled at him, and he smiled back, relief washing over his face as he thought it was back to normal, and it was, on the outside.
On the outside I looked fine, happy, almost, I could tell this from the look on Brendon’s face; but on the inside, it felt like he had picked up that shiny piece of metal and shoved it straight into my heart once again without even realising it. The hole that was still there was ripped apart so it was almost twice as big. I could almost feel the sharp, cold blade lunging through my chest, as I tried to blink back the tears from the pain. I tried to put on a brave face, and just smile back at him. He seemed to buy it, as he grinned back. Then the doctor burst trough the door and both our heads snapped up to look at him.
“Sorry to interrupt, but you are welcome to leave whenever you want.” He said, obviously hinting that he wanted us gone pretty soon.
“Okay. Thank you, we’ll be gone within an hour.” He nodded and smiled at me, and I did the same, before looking back at Brendon.
After that, we gathered Brendon’s things and headed home in my car, in an awkward silence.
“Where have you been living?” Brendon asked suddenly, slicing through the silence easily. I sighed, debating whether or not I should tell him. “You can tell me” He said as if he could read my mind, while staring out the window.
“I was bunking on Ryan’s couch” I answered, staring straight ahead. Brendon whipped his head round and I could feel his eyes burning into the side of my face.
“Seriously?” He whispered. I nodded. “I’m so sorry, Effy. I was a dick” He answered, focusing his attention out the window once again. I shrugged. “You can move back in if you want, you know” He said softly. I sighed.
“I don’t know, Brendon. Probably. Maybe. Possibly. I’ll have to think about it first I guess” I said with a straight face, staring straight ahead. He nodded, trying not to press the matter. “What about Sophie? Are you with her, or not?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to talk to her” He shrugged. I nodded solemnly at this, trying my best to keep my poker face strong.
“That’s probably best” I answered, my voice wavering slightly from trying so hard to keep the tears from falling.
We drove the rest of the way home in a silence, comfortable on his, but awkward on mine. He was silent possibly because of exhaustion, whereas I was quiet because I knew if I opened my mouth, my eyes would overflow with the tears that are currently locked in.
Once we pulled up in front of Brendon’s flat, I made it crucial that I left as soon as possible. I jumped out the car and threw Brendon his keys, before taking a few steps in the direction of my apartment.
“Hey, aren’t you gonna stay for a bit?” He said, I turned round to meet his gaze, and smiled lightly.
“I don’t think so, sorry Bren. I should probably get back to Ryan’s, he must be wondering where I am” I said, keeping my gaze locked on his as I walked a couple of steps close to him so he could hear me better without me having to yell. I watched as his face dropped, ever so slightly, so little in fact that if any other person saw, they wouldn’t notice a change. I guess that’s what you get for studying his face at every chance you get.
“Oh...” He said, looking down at his feet. I sighed, and suddenly my heart yearned for him. I yearned for those days when we used to hang out everyday, all day. I yearned for a “Brenny hug”. Basically, I just yearned for him.
“I’ll come over tomorrow though, okay?” I mumbled. His eyes seemed to light up slightly at this, and I smiled. He smiled weakly back, and nodded.
“See you then” He said, taking a step towards me. I smiled, and wrapped my arms tightly around his torso, unable to hold it back. My limbs seemed to be doing everything without hesitation for me today. Not that I was complaining. I pressed my face up against his chest and I felt his soft chuckle reverberate through it. Seconds later, and his arms snaked around my shoulder, making me tighten my grip around him.
“I’m so glad you’re okay” I whispered, mainly to myself. He kissed my head before replying.
“Me too” He answered, and I was almost sad when he pulled out of the hug, almost.
“See you tomorrow, then Brendon” I answered, smiling weakly before turning on my heel and heading back to Ryan’s place. He smiled almost as weakly back, and bowed his head slightly. I knew this was because his feet were calling, screaming for him to look down at them, but he seemed as eager to look into my eyes and I was to look into his.
Ten minutes later, and I was at Ryan’s door. I barged into the apartment to Ryan just falling onto the couch.
“Hey. Great timing” He said, smiling. “I just got in, too” He answered. I nodded before walking round and taking a seat next to him. “You alright?” He asked. I nodded again, unfazed by the sudden concern, he asks this a lot lately, and I don’t know whether he’s referring to my feelings for Brendon or Brendon’s illness. Either way, though, it’s got something to do with Brendon, like pretty much everything has in my life lately.
“I’m just so relieved that he is finally out, Ryan. It makes my mood meter crash straight through the roof when I see he’s finally healthy. But… his feelings for Sophie aren’t gone.” I said, looking down at my hands. I felt Ryan sigh next to me before adjusting his position, and wrap an arm around my bony shoulders.
“Well, I won’t let that happen. Sophie is the worst thing that ever happened to him, and he’s my best friend. I won’t let that happen to him again, Effy. You can trust me” He said, before planting a kiss on my hair. I smiled slightly, realising that for the first time since I can remember, I actually believe him.
“Thanks Ryan. I don’t know what I would do without you” I answered, cringing slightly at how unbelievably cliché it sounded, but smiling none the less.
Happiness is right round the corner, I can feel it.

[title credit goes to i'd hate to be you when people find out what this song is about - mayday parade]