Are You Comfortable With This?

The next few days I tried as hard as I could to try to hide how much Brendon liking Sophie bothered me, but I couldn’t help it. Brendon being my closest friend and all, he noticed my acting weirdly. How do I know? Because at the end of the week, he asked me about it when I got in from work one day.
“Eff, what’s the matter with you?” He said, just as the show on TV was finishing. I tried to act cool.
“What? Nothings the matter with me. Why would you think that?” I said, although from the look on his face I could tell he wasn’t buying it.
“Come on, Fearne. You’re my best friend, I know something’s up.”
“Bren, nothing’s up, honestly. I guess I’m just tired from all this working” I said, thinking quickly. He seemed to buy it – for now, anyway, so he changed the subject.
“Okay, well anyway, I’m thinking of asking your friend Sophie out” He said. Shit. I was thinking he wouldn’t do anything about it, because since our conversation a few days ago, he hasn’t even mentioned her name. And now he’s actually going to ask her out? How the hell am I supposed to cope with that?
“Oh” Was all I could say, I mean, what else am I supposed to say to that?
“You don’t have a problem with that, do you?” He asked. I shot my head up to look at him and painted a false smile across my face; I couldn’t drop any hints, at all that I look at him as more than a friend, it will ruin our relationship.
“Of course not.” I said, looking at him, “If you want to go out with her, go ahead and ask her out” I said, and he nodded, smiling.
“Okay, thanks Effy. You’re the best” He said, slinging and arm round my shoulder and pulling me close. I just nodded, he actually just bought all the shit I just sold? I thought to myself, wow, I must be an even better liar than I thought.
“I’m just gonna pop out” I said, getting up.
“Okay, want me to come?” Brendon asked, standing up with me. I smiled and shook my head.
“Nah, I just need to go for a walk.” I said, before turning on my heel and swiftly making my way out of our apartment, to avoid any more questioning as to where I’m going. To be honest, I don’t even know myself; all I know is I need to be away from Brendon for a little while, even if it’s just for a few hours.
After walking about five minutes down the road, I slowed to a stop, tilted my head up and closed my eyes, breathing in the cold evening air. I sat down on a nearby bench and looked down at my lap, playing with my fingers. what now? I thought to myself; obviously Brendon doesn’t think of me as more than a friend, and is going to ask Sophie out, who knows how long that will last, but knowing Brendon, it will be at least three months. He’s not really one for flings and short-term relationships.
After thinking this through in my head, I got up and started walking back to my apartment, but when I came up to it, rather than turning and entering it, I carried on walking, my legs obviously agreed this was a good time to go see Ryan. I need to talk about this… therefore, someone needs to know, and who do I trust more than Ryan? [ruling out Brendon, obviously] no-one. I’m gonna go to Ryan’s apartment and I’m gonna let it all out, who knows, maybe he will have some decent advice to give me.
After a good ten minutes or so, I was in the lift on my way up to Ryan’s flat, there was a ding as the doors opened and let me walk across the corridor to Ryan’s door. I knocked three times, and after a few seconds there he was, smiling down at me.
“Hey Eff, what’s up?” He said.
“I need someone to talk to. Are you alone?” I asked, looking down.
“Yup, come on in. So what is it?” He said, taking a seat on his couch. I sat next to him and took a deep breath.
“Well… I don’t really know how to say this.” I said, meeting his gaze at the last part. “But it’s about Brendon” I said, his eyebrows furrowed.
“…Right…” He said, waiting for me to continue.
“I’ve erm… I think I…” I stammered, un sure of how exactly I was supposed to tell him that I have deep feelings for Brendon.
“You like him.” He said, matter-a-factly, folding his arms. I shot my head up at this point; is it really that obvious?
“You… knew?” I asked, in shock.
“Well yeah, how can I not?” He stated. “It’s kind of obvious, Effy. I mean, the way you look at him, it’s not right. You’re in deep” He said.
“What? How long have you known?”
“Since the cinema. The sexual tension between you two was so obvious. How could I have missed that?” He said. I nodded.
“Yeah, but there’s one thing. He’s gonna ask this girl Sophie out. How the hell am I supposed to cope with watching that go on, Ryan?” I said, tears developing in my eyes as I thought about what would happen, again.
“Well, there’s nothing you can do, Effy. Other than tell him, of course.” He said, matter-a-factly, once again.
“What?! You expect me to tell my best friend of years and years that I love him? Do you realise how much that will ruin everything if he doesn’t feel the same, which I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t, by the way” I bought my clenched hand to my forehead and rested it there. “God… How could I be so stupid, Ryan?” I asked, looking up at him, he just sighed.
“Come one, let’s put a film on” He said.
“What? Ryan, How is that supposed to help?” I asked, but he just ignored me, and got up to put the film on, and we watched in silence until it ended, when I had to leave.
“Thanks Ryan, for cheering me up” I said, hugging him and smiling weakly at him.
“Anytime, anything.” He said, nodding and opening the door for me. I smiled half heartedly once again before leaving and walking to mine and Brendon’s apartment.

---

The next few days, Brendon was beaming. He asked Sophie out, and, of course, she said yes. I mean, who wouldn’t? He’s… amazing.
After they were going out for a week or so, I started walking home, quickly. All Sophie could talk about was how great Brendon is, and to be honest, I don’t need to hear it. I already know. And it’s annoying me that now, someone else does, too.
So anyway, I was making my way home and walked for a couple of minutes before reaching my apartment.
The breath was knocked out of me when I walked in.
She was here. With him. Sophie and Brendon were sitting on the couch together, his arm around her shoulders, her arms wrapped around his torso. My eyes widened, and at the same time they filled with tears, threatening to spill out at any moment.
I was about to make a run for it to my room, before any tears actually did fall out, but Brendon saw me. “Oh, hey Eff. Where have you been?” He asked. I had to swallow the lump at the back of my throat before answering.
“I went to Ryan’s.” I said; my voice weak. Brendon didn’t seem to notice, thank god. “What are you doing here?” I spat, my head snapping down towards Sophie, who was beaming at me, much like Brendon.
“I invited her over” Brendon answered for her, and I looked at him again. His face looked harder, and kind of pissed off.
“Whatever” I said. “I’m going to bed.” I said, before walking quickly to my room.
I went into my room and whipped off my coat, blinking back the tears while pacing backwards and forwards in my room.
I tried to contain my self when I heard the door shut and muffled footsteps. It kind of worked, I mean my eyes still looked like they’re bulging out of their sockets but that’s as good as it will get.
A few minutes later, the door opened, and there he was. Brendon was standing there, looking as gorgeous as ever. Why does he have to look like a God all the time? It doesn’t help.
“What the hell was that?” He asked his face angry. I just shrugged, unable to speak and avoiding the daggers he was shooting at me by looking down at the carpet. “Whatever, just try not to be such a fucking bitch. Jesus, what’s got into you? You’ve been acting differently lately.” He said, but I didn’t answer, so after a few seconds of just staring at me, he walked out my room, slamming the door behind him.
I climbed into bed not long after, and I couldn’t prevent the sobs from racking out of my chest, it’s almost a routine now; it happens every night.

[title Credit goes to Ignorance - Paramore]