Are You Comfortable With This?

It’s been three weeks.
Twenty-one days they have been together now, and I still can’t get over it.
I can’t bare it whenever I walk in and she’s there, it digs an even deeper hole in my heart every time. To you, it might sound like I’m being melodramatic but, I love him. That’s right; it’s not just some pathetic high school crush anymore. I am in love with Brendon Urie. Who knows, I could have felt like this for a while, but I have only just realised it.
They way he looks at her, and kisses her; tears are forced to the surface, making everything go fuzzy. I can’t take it anymore.
I treat her like dirt, I treat him like dirt. I can’t help it though, they don’t understand. I only treat them like that because of the way I feel, I am so envious towards Sophie, I just want to rip her chest open and stamp on her heart, just so she knows how it feels; just so she can feel the immense pain she’s putting me through right now, just by being with him.
I know what you’re thinking; three weeks? But that’s nothing, that can’t even be serious yet. but to me, it’s the worst possible thing that could have happened, him going out with her, because when you know Brendon as well as I do, you’ll realise this won’t be “just a fling” as so many people call it these days; that’s not Brendon’s style, never has been. Eventually, after about a month, this relationship will get serious and could last a long time.
Not only is it heart-wrenchingly painful to watch him fall deeper in love with her every day, it’s exhausting, too. I get two hours sleep a night, max. I cry and cry every night, until there’s, quite literally, no tears left within me, when this happens, I cry dry tears. I sob and sob, until my body can’t take it anymore and I am forced asleep. I can’t take it anymore.
I feel as though I’m dead inside; there’s simply nothing left in me. I bet you’re wondering why no one’s noticed, especially Brendon, being my best friend and all, but the truth is, he just doesn’t notice me anymore, he spends all his time with Sophie now.
I barely even make it through each day; my limbs take me to work and back without me even having to think.

---

It was a Thursday when I got in from work that day.
I mindlessly trudged up the stairs; I couldn’t even be bothered to work the lift.
I arrived at my apartment door and put the key in the lock, and attempted to turn it; no luck. I pulled it out again and inspected it, maybe theres something wrong with it? I tied again, but noting. Confused, I knocked on the door three times and a few seconds later it swung open, Brendon looking grimly down at me.
“Brendon, why won’t my fucking key work?” I said, holding my key up to him, he sighed and waved me in. “Sophie here?” I said; tense, while looking around protectively.
“No.” He said, and instantly I relaxed and smiled at him. He pushed me down onto the couch. “Listen.” He said, pacing in front of me while chewing on his thumb nail. After a few seconds he got himself to together and looked at me, sighed and sat down next to me. “Listen Effy, I love you and all, but… I think you should move out. I have no idea why, but you’ve been treating me like shit and I have tried my best to get our relationship back, correction, to get you back but I had no luck. I’m really sorry, Fearne.” He said. As he spoke these words I felt my face burn up in anger, and my eyes flood with tears, why is he doing this to me? I thought to myself.
“But… I thought… I thought we were friends?” I said, weakly, staring at the floor while my sight glazed over. “Where the fuck am I supposed to go, Brendon? You’re seriously going to kick me onto the streets like this?” I asked, looking at him now, oh how amazing he looked, his eyebrows were furrowed ever-so-slightly, but his eyes were emotionless.
“I’m sorry, Effy. Please don’t make this harder than it already is.” He said. I stood up, and put a hand to my forehead in anger.
“Brendon what the fuck do you expect me to do? I have no where else to live! I thought we were best friends” I said, as he stood up, reaching for my arm as some kind f comfort. I snapped my shoulder back.
“We are!-
“Don’t you dare turn around and tell me we’re best friends, because a best friend would never bail on them just because they started acting differently.” I said, staring him in the eye.
“I’m sorry Effy! How many times do you want me to say it? I just thought that whatever I did would probably get resolved easier if we were apart, and besides, I don’t feel like living with someone hates me” my jaw dropped as he said this.
“You arrogant asshole. You really think this is about you? Jesus Brendon, get the fuck over yourself” I said, grabbing my bag and walking towards the door of the apartment. “I’ll be out of your hair by Monday.” I said, simply before slamming the door behind me.
Okay, I know it’s bad to lie, but it wasn’t a complete lie. The only reason I was pissed was because Brendon and Sophie are together, so technically it’s Brendon’s fault.
But even if I didn’t want to, I couldn’t help flipping out at Brendon. I was so angry; I just can’t believe he kicked me out.
When I walked five minutes down the road, I bought my hand to my face to rub my eye in exhaustion, and realised my cheeks were wet; covered in tears; I was crying. This made me cry even more, as I fell onto a nearby bench and held my forehead in my arms, letting the tears fall, without even having to think about it.
Right now, there is absolutely nothing going right in my life. I’m homeless, with a shitty job, and the guy I’m in love with has kicked me out, probably wanting to shag his girl in peace. Good tymz.
I was sat there for no longer than five minutes before I sensed someone sit down next to me, and place an arm around my shoulder. I turned my head slightly to the right and saw Ryan sitting there, his face right in mine with a worried expression, his eyebrows furrowed.
“What happened?” He asked, his voice soft, and welcoming. I sat up straight and looked at the floor that so often called me whenever awkward predicaments like this popped up.
“Brendon kicked me out.” I answered, my voice weak, and hoarse from all the crying, while cutting straight to the point. I was never one to simmer. I felt Ryan tense next to me, and when I turned to look at him, a confused expression painted across my face, I noticed his fists were clenched making the tips of his fingers go white, and his jaw was tensed. “Ryan…” I said, not wanting them to fight because of me.
“He fucking what.” He said behind gritted teeth.
“Ryan, please” I repeated, placing my hand on his forearm, hoping to calm him, but nothing. Not even a flinch. “Wait, how did you find me anyway? How did you even know to find me?” I asked, out of curiosity, but mainly to try and change the topic, he turned to face me, anger gracing every inch of his face.
“I didn’t come looking for you, I just came out to get a coffee” He said, nodding to the left slightly, towards a Starbucks across the street. “But heck I’m glad I found you. I’m gonna kick Brendon’s ass, Effy.” He said, his eyes filled with hatred, and care. I was instantly worried; Ryan may look like a scrawny ass, but he could easily beat Brendon in a fist fight. Let’s just say Brendon’s reflexes are pretty… dead.
“No, Ryan, please. Don’t do that, it won’t help anything, at all” I said, hands on his shoulders, trying whatever I had in me to bring him back to Earth.
“Then what the hell am I supposed to do Eff? You’re my best friend, and you’re his best friend, how the hell could he do this to you? You expect me to just sit here and let him treat you like shit?” He said, fists still clenched, resting on his knees.
“I know Ryan, I know. He’s being a douche bag. But that’s not the biggest of my worries right now. I have no where to live” I said, letting my hands fall onto my lap as I turned, facing forward again.
“Hey, you know you can always crash on my couch, at least until you find a place” He said, turning my face lightly so I was looking at him. I smiled softly at him.
“Thanks, Ryan. I don’t know what I’d do without you” I said.
“Well, it’s a good thing we don’t have to worry about that, then.” He said, calm again, pulling me into a hug and kissing my hair.
At least I still have someone who loves me, cause right now, I feel like my whole life is crumbling and crashing down around me.

[title credit goes to my black dahlia - hollywood undead]