Are You Comfortable With This?

“Come on, Eff. You’d better do it sooner, rather than later” Ryan said to me the next morning, I crashed on his couch that night, not even bothering to say anything to Brendon. What’s the point, though, really?
I sighed. “You’re right. Will you come with me?” I asked, looking down at my hands in my lap.
“Of course.” He said. I smiled up at him before glancing at the clock, 11:46am it read. I sighed again before heaving myself up and following Ryan out of the door.
We walked the short distance to Brendon’s in silence, not really having anything to say to one another. That was one of the things I love about Ryan, he doesn’t feel the need to fill every second of silence with useless gabble. It’s refreshing.
Anyway, before I knew it we were outside Brendon’s door, and Ryan was knocking on it. I straightened myself immediately, bracing myself for his face. What a beautiful face he has, it makes my stomach flip just thinking about it. Ryan grabbed my hand, almost as if he was reading my mind, and gave it a comforting squeeze. I appreciated the gesture, and squeezed back.
A few seconds later and the door swung open, revealing Brendon standing there with a tired grin on his face. It soon relaxed into a frown, though, when his eyes landed on me, looking as pathetic and hopeless as ever.
“…oh” He said. Ryan did all the talking for me.
“Hello. We came for Effy’s stuff?” He said, pushing past Brendon and pulling me along behind him until we reached my room. I fell onto my bed and watched Ryan as he rushed around, grabbing a suitcase and throwing all my clothes into it. “Are you going to help, or not?” He said, not bothering to stop to look at me. I nodded to myself and quickly joined him in grabbing as much as my stuff as is humanly possible, and stuffing it all into the suitcase.
It took us around ten minutes to grab everything and put it in my suitcase, and we left my room together, Ryan pulling along the overly-packed suitcase. When we entered the living room, Brendon was sitting there, staring into space.
“We’re leaving now.” Ryan said, waiting for him to respond. He simply grunted, not breaking his staring competition with the wall. “I’ll call a moving service to come and collect Fearne’s furniture. Call either one of us when you decide to stop being such a douche.” Brendon’s head snapped up to meet Ryan’s glare.
“Hey, now, please don’t be like that” He said, standing up with a pleading look in his eyes. It made me want to walk over to him and hug him. But I couldn’t, not after what he did to me. What he’s doing to me.
“Brendon, I’m just stating the obvious. Don’t act like you’re the good guy in this situation, because you are so not. You have no idea how much you’ve hurt Effy. How could you do that to her?” He asked, just disappointment and confusion gracing his features. Brendon was looking down at his feet now.
“You don’t understand. I don’t want to do this it’s just – it’s complicated, alright?” He whispered.
“Whatever. I can’t deal with your shit anymore Brendon. You feel like you can hurt other people and it’s okay as long as you’re hurting from it, too. That doesn’t make it right. Like I said, call me when you’re acting like Brendon again.” He said, and with that, he grabbed my hand and pulled me from the apartment.
I didn’t bother speaking for the walk back to Ryan’s, again, what was there to say? Nothing.
When we got back, I went straight for the couch and sat on it, my face blank, what the hell do I do now? I am officially homeless.
Not five seconds later I felt the couch dip next to me, and a long arm wrap around my shoulders. “Are you okay?” Ryan whispered into my ear.
“I’ve seen better days” I replied, my voice hoarse. He sighed next to me.
“I know, but it’ll get better, I promise.” I didn’t say anything back. Though I appreciated the comfort, I honestly couldn’t believe this, nothing is looking good right now, so how will it ever be?
“I’m gonna go out for a walk or something” I said, standing up. Ryan stood up, too.
“Want me to come?” He asked, with raised eyebrows. I smiled weakly.
“No, thanks. I need some alone time” I answered before smiling once more and leaving the apartment.

I always tend to take walks when there is a lot on my mind, in case you didn’t already figure that one out for yourself.
I’m not sure what it is, but there’s a certain characteristic of walking that just makes everything seem minorly better, it seems to open the optimistic side of my brain, which, lately, hasn’t been appearing quite as often as I’d like.
Maybe it’s the fresh air that clears out my brain, or maybe it’s just the precious alone time to think about things which I so scarcely seem to get these days. I need to start savoring the time alone I actually do get. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love every single one of my friends, one way more than I should, but that’s beside the point. I just guess everyone needs to be alone once in a while, even if it is just for a few minutes.
Basically, I just think taking walks is the cheapest form of therapy. Just me, and my thoughts, left alone to do whatever we please, pondering certain things, and generally trying to figure out what’s actually going on with my life.
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, without walking… I would probably go clinically insane. It’s a chance to clear my head, a chance to talk to the person who gets me the most, without even having to say anything. Myself.

As I was walking alone, quietly, a small smile already on its way to gracing my features, a previous question that I pushed further and further to the back of my mind suddenly popped up again. What am I doing with my life?.
The more I thought about it, the more I worried. I plopped down on a nearby bench, my eyebrows furrowed while I drowned more and more in my own confusion of what to do, what there is to do, and what I’m going to do about it.
To sum up, I don’t know. At all. Ever since I was a kid I always said I wanted to do something with music, perhaps be in a band? Or a tour manager? But it’s not that easy, is it. Not really. I can’t just click my fingers and a desperate-for-a-manager band will appear. No way, you have to work extremely hard to even have a glimpse of hope in that business. Where do I start, though?
As I was deep in thought, staring down at my hands, my face blank while all the worrying thoughts of my life ran through my head like there was no end, I felt something sit next to me, and out of instinct, I looked up. My breath hitched in my throat as I realized who it was. He just looked straight ahead, not even giving me the pleasure of looking into those gorgeous eyes that I crave so much for, even after what he did to me earlier this week. I felt my eyes get wide as it sunk in; he’s really there. I felt the need to reach out and touch him, in case this was all some twisted dream. This is his effect on me. I only look at him and already he has me breathing all heavy and deep. He sighed heavily next to me, his hot breath piercing through the cold, Nevada evening, so hot I could feel it tingle across the skin on my arm. I looked down where his breath hit me, never wanting it to leave my skin.
“Hey” He said, after what has to be the longest five minutes of my entire life. The kindness in his voice almost bought tears to my eyes, almost. He hasn’t spoken to me like this for… a while. “Listen” He said, and then he did the worst thing he possibly could. He turned to me, and he looked at me, straight in the eye. Those deep brown eyes melting into mine, my stomach filled with butterflies as I chewed on my lower lip to restrain myself from reaching up and kissing him. I had to keep my hands clenched into fist at my sides to stop from reaching up and taking his face, the face I wish so much would just love me, as much as I love him. “I’m sorry, Effy. I really am” He said. I wanted to forgive him, I really did. But… I couldn’t, not yet.
“That doesn’t fix everything, you know” I answered, my voice coming out as a squeaky whisper.
“I know, Effy. I just, I don’t know what to do. I wish I could explain-
“Then do. Rather than just telling me what you wish you could say, just man up and say it.” I said my teeth clenched as tears sprang to my eyes, causing that oh-so-familiar stinging feeling.
“Please, don’t be like this. I will explain, just…not now. Please, don’t hate me” He said. I shot my head back to him, softening my face ever-so-slightly.
“I don’t hate you, Bren. How could I? I’ll always love you, unfortunately. You’re my best friend, and I will never ever hate you. Got that? Now, what you did hurt me a lot, so you can’t just expect me to come crawling back when you apologize, and act fine and dandy.” I said, trying my best to look him in the eyes throughout, no matter how much it hurt. “But why can’t you just tell me why you treated me like that? Don’t you think I deserve it?” I asked, the pleading obvious in my eyes. He sighed and looked forward again, squeezing his eyes shut, before looking at me again.
“Look, Effy, you have no idea how much I want to tell you, but I can’t. And – Gah, do you know how much it is killing me that I can’t? Don’t you get it” He said, reaching out to touch my arm. I jerked away. “Oh for fucks sake, Effy. Stop being such a drama queen!” He said, throwing his arms up into the air, I didn’t try to hide the confusion that was probably now evident on my face. What’s with the sudden change in attitude? Now I’m the bad guy? “I’m trying my best here! What more do you want from me!” He said, looking at me, his eyes piercing straight through mine. I stood up, and turned to him.
“I want my best friend back. Where is he? Because I sure haven’t seen him in a while” I said, my voice barely audible. Before backing away and walking back to my apartment.
When I entered the apartment, Ryan was out. I went to the bathroom and looked into the mirror, the sight not bothering me at all. My cheeks were stained with tears of frustration, while my eyebrows knitted together, and my jaw was tight.
I ran into the living room after kicking my shoes off, and started pacing around, my hands in tight balls hanging at my side. How could be accuse me of being a drama queen? He thinks I’m over-reacting? Maybe I am, but it doesn’t mean I can’t be upset.
I need to release this anger, before something happens, I thought. I stopped pacing, and rested my forehead on the wall, taking a deep, shaky breath, hoping to clear my head a bit. Nothing. I brought my fist back and forward again with as much force as I could muster, causing a loud whack! to sound throughout the flat. It seemed to be working already. I did the same with my other hand, but harder, and without realizing, I was punching the wall with such force, bringing both my fists back and forward again, I was sure I would be leaving huge dents, not even taking notice of the blood that was slowly dripping from my knuckles.
Between all the anger, pain and general upset pulsating through my body, I didn’t even hear the door open and close again, and the light footsteps slowly making their way towards me. I didn’t even hear the light “Effy” Spoken not two feet behind me, I didn’t even realize there was someone in the same room as me, until I felt two, warm, much-needed arms wrap around my shoulders and contain me from doing anymore damage to both the wall and myself. I immediately sunk into the frame now pressed up against me, and turned myself round so I could wrap my arms around Ryan’s waist in return, wrecking his shirt with my tears.
He just held me, didn’t try to pry, or find out what had happened. He cleaned up my hands, and sat down on the couch with me, and waited. He waited for me to let it all out, before taking my face between his hands, so I looked him in the eyes, and asking “Are you going to tell me what happened?” I simply nodded.
After explaining everything that happened between me and Brendon, Ryan comforted me more, again, just waiting for me to let it all out. He knew it would be better that way, and he was right. After the long session I had with Ryan that evening, I felt like everything was better, if only a little. Maybe it was only because I figured I still had someone, maybe it was just because I was starting to get over Brendon, if only a little. I secretly hoped is was not the latter, but who knows, really?
Ryan took my face between his large, warm hands once again. “Effy, I promise you, everything is going to get better for you.” He whispered, looking deep into my eyes. I nodded back, and smiled warmly. I was finally, if only slowly, starting to believe him when he spoke these oh-so-familiar words.

[Title credit goes to Cricles - Hollywood Undead]