Are You Comfortable With This?

Another few weeks flew by, and still, no sign on Brendon. At all. Ryan’s been great, though, always comforting me when I needed it the most, and simply being there for me when I cried. I’ve been crying a lot less, though. Maybe I’ve finally grown up and realized, crying doesn’t help anything. Sometimes you can’t help it though. I mean, it’s impossible to get away from the heart-wrenching pain knowing that Brendon will never feel the same way about me, but for some reason, crying seems to make it minorly better.
I was finally beginning to feel better, slowly but surely. I was laughing again. Heck, I was even cracking jokes again. I haven’t cracked a joke in God knows how long, I just didn’t feel in a funny mood, I guess.
Sometimes, though, I wonder. Why me? Why did I have to fall in love with my best friend? Everyone always talks about love, and how amazing it feels when you’re deep in it. But all I’ve felt so far is pain, heart wrenching pain.
Two months seemed to fly by and I was still living with Ryan. I still hadn’t seen Brendon since that day on the bench, but that’s okay; actually, I think its better this way. Whenever I see his face it feels like a knife right through the heart, so I don’t need it. I don’t need him. I can be happy without him. I tell myself this everyday, trying to convince myself that it’s actually true.
But who am I kidding, really? To any outsider, someone who doesn’t know me, they would think I was the happiest girl in the world. But underneath, I know that’s not true. Ryan knows that’s not true. If you look in my eyes, deep down, you can see there is nothing but pain there. It’s dull pain now, starting to slowly fade away, but it’s definitely there.

---

“We need to go food shopping.” I said to Ryan, staring into the almost empty fridge.
“You’re right, let’s go now.”
“Now?” I said, glancing up at the clock. It read 1:53PM. “Sure” I said, shrugging.
We both slipped on our shoes before heading out the door and walking down the road. I threaded my arm through his, trying to warm up even the slightest bit, as it was a cold day in December.
When we walked in, we instantly parted, as walking into the supermarket was like a blanket of warmth was enveloping it. Ryan wandered off, probably going to look at the music magazines or something, so I started to shop.
I went to the bread section first, and went to grab a packet of sliced bread, and turned around out of habit as I felt someone’s eyes burning into the side of my face. I was shocked with what I saw.
At first I didn’t recognize him, and went back to getting another loaf of bread, but my head snapped back up as it clicked in my brain. It was Brendon and Sophie.
He looked terrible, he was so pale, white, even, while his cheeks were sunken and his eyes bloodshot, with dark, heavy bags underneath them. My jaw hit the ground, I could still feel the cold, hard blade lunging through my heart, but it wasn’t the same kind of pain, oh no, it wasn’t pain because of how handsome he was, it was pain because of how handsome he wasn’t. What happened to his angelic face?
But what hurt the most was that just looking at him I could tell he was not happy. Brendon is the happiest person I know, but seeing him now, you wouldn’t believe me one bit. He just stared back at me with an emotionless face, looking a mess. It looked like he hadn’t shaved, or even eaten, in months. I couldn’t bear looking at him, but at the same time I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I could feel my already wide eyes fill with tears at the sight in front of me, I actually felt sympathy for this man. He was definitely not Brendon, not my Brendon anyway.
I stared for so long that I couldn’t bear it anymore and moved my vision onto Sophie. She looked much the same, but she had a lazy smile painted across her face, she actually looked happy. She looked as though she was absent as she stared around the shop, oblivious to the word-less conversation going on previously between me and Brendon. I snapped my head back to him, and his position hadn’t changed, he was still staring at me with sad eyes.
I wasn’t sure how long we were like this, but Sophie got bored and went to carry on with shopping or whatever they were here for, while me and Brendon just carried on looking at each other. I’m not sure what it was, but I just couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I kept studying his face looking for something, anything that proved my Brendon was still in there. I didn’t want to believe – I wouldn’t let myself believe that he was gone, it’s impossible.
“Effy?” I heard Ryan say faintly, as I was lost in a world where only Brendon and I existed. “Effy, what’s wrong?” He said, I was starting to faze back into real life, and I shook my head slightly, trying to snap myself out of it. Ryan followed my gaze and I felt him stiffen next to me. “What the fuck” I heard him whisper to himself, obviously as shocked as I from the sight. Brendon’s eyes flickered to Ryan’s, but not long after they came back to mine again. This time, he seemed to be carrying a different emotion in his eyes, they weren’t sad. They were full of guilt. Guilt? Guilt of what? I felt my eyebrows knit together involuntarily as I thought what could he have possibly done that he feels sorry for?
“We need to go, Effy” Ryan said, tugging on my arm. I looked at him and nodded, and we began to swiftly walk away. As we walked, I took one last glance over my shoulder and instantly noticed Brendon, still staring at me with those guilty eyes. I bit my lip in order to keep myself from crying, or running back there and hugging him.
We slowed to a steady pace as we got far enough from the shop and walked in an awkward silence, but I was too preoccupied to notice, or even to care about the awkwardness.
When we got back to the apartment, I slumped down onto the couch while Ryan began pacing around in front of me, muttering things under his breath too quiet for me to understand. This went on for a solid ten minutes before he sat down next to me, and let his head fall in his hands.
“What just happened” I whispered.
“I don’t know” He answered, unmoving.
“Should we go see him?” I asked.
“I don’t know” He repeated, again, unmoving.
“I’m scared, Ryan” I said. He looked up into my eyes.
“I know, Effy. I am too.”
“It’s going to be okay though, right?” I said, looking at him. He looked down at the floor, and didn’t say anything. I sighed as my eyes flooded once again. I got up and headed for the door, Ryan didn’t even ask where I was going; he probably didn’t even notice I left. I wandered around aimlessly for a while, before I made the decision.
I knocked three times on the familiar door that I missed so much and waited. I listened and after a few minutes, heard muffles footsteps and someone sliding the door unlocked. I felt my heartbeat pick up as I anticipated seeing his face, his unhealthy, depressing face again.
When he opened the door, he didn’t even look shocked to see me, he simply stood there, staring at me. His face looked even more horrifying up close. I let out a slight asp as I noticed the happiness and handsomeness completely wiped from his face. I cleared my throat after a while, to break the silence.
“Uhm… Hi,” I said.
“Hello.” He answered, simply. I was shocked at the sound of his voice, it sounded so… bland. My Brendon was completely drained from it. My eyes welled at the sound.
“Well… Can I come in?” I whispered.
“Yes.” He said, bluntly, standing aside to let me in. We stood there, staring at each other before I spoke.
“What happened, Brendon?” I asked, cutting straight to the point.
“What do you mean?” He said, looking at me.
“Don’t give me that, please. I mean, look at you! You look so different, you don’t look like Brendon. The way you were looking at me… It was like you were saying sorry. I need to know what you’ve done to make yourself look like this. I need to know” I said, sounding stressed and overwhelmed, and generally upset. Instead of answering, he simply closed the space between us with a hug, pulling me close. At first I was shocked, but soon returned the gesture, wrapping my arms around him, and pulling him close. You have no idea how long it’s been; how much I have missed this.
“Why did you come here?” He asked, while we were still hugging.
“When I saw you today, it shocked me. I need to know what’s going on, Brendon. I’m worried about you.” I answered, bluntly.
Then he did something I never though he would do. He started to cry while pulling me closer to him. “I’m sorry, Effy” He said. “Promise me you’ll forgive me. Promise me” He said. I though about it as my eyebrows furrowed. It must be way worse than I thought.
“I promise” I whispered, unsure if I should be saying this. “Please, just tell me what you’ve done. You’re starting to scare me.” I mumbled into his chest.
Oh boy was I in for a surprise.

[Title credit goes to Careful - Paramore]