If Only They Knew

Emma Clark wasn’t the kind of girl guys went for. It wasn’t for lack of trying, of course; they tried, alright. They just never succeeded. She didn’t want them, plain and simple. Emma was happier alone. She’d rather spend a night in her bed listening to calming music and reading a book than going out with a guy. She just… simply didn’t believe in love or relationships.

No one understood Emma. They thought she was complex and complicated, mysterious and misunderstood twenty-one year old. She was none of those things, really. She just chose not to tell her life story to ever passerby that came and went on the street that was her life. Therefore, no one understood the real Emma Clark.

No one except Nicholas Santino.

Nick and Emma had met several years prior through some friends. Emma didn’t know what it was about Nick, but his easy going nature and laid back personality made it easy to tell him things. Emma confided in Nick. He knew things only Emma’s best friend Amanda knew. He knew why she was so guarded and why she didn’t go out with boys. He knew it all.

***

There was a knock on her door, signaling his arrival. “Finally,” she smiled as she walked towards the door. As her hand hit the cool metal of the doorknob, her mind went blank and took her back to three years ago.

”Why would you cheat on me?” he screamed, shoving her backwards.

She fell against the wooden door of her apartment, the apartment she had gotten right after she graduated high school, right after she left the terrible foster family she had called home since she was ten. “I didn’t cheat on you,” she said through gritted teeth, pushing her body away from the door.

“Now you’re lying to me, you stupid bitch!” He slapped her across the face. She knew right then that this wasn’t a normal fight. She knew he wouldn’t be apologizing at the end of this. She knew she couldn’t win this time.

“I’m not, Jeff. Why would I cheat on you? And who would I cheat on you with?”

“That asshole… what’s his name? The one you work with at the bookstore.”

“Jack? He’s gay!” she exclaimed, not believing her ears.

“Stop lying!” he bellowed, this time, shoving her so hard she stumbled backwards and fell to the floor. She couldn’t stop crying at this point, either, and that just made him even madder. He kicked her in the ribs, causing her to yell out in pain. “Shut up,” he muttered, turning on his heel to go into her kitchen.

She crawled over to the door, trying to lift herself back up as well as open up to freedom. She needed to get out or else she wouldn’t be alive tomorrow. Just as she was up in a kneeling position, trying to stand up, he came back. “What are you doing?” he yelled.

Fear overtook her, paralyzing her. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t breathe. She just wanted it to be over.

Finally she got up, and opened the door. She managed to squeak out, “I’m leaving,” to Jeff before his drunken rage overtook him again.

“Oh no you’re not, I refuse to let you out of this apartment just so you can sneak off with the guy you’re cheating on me with!” he yelled at her. He grabbed her by the shoulders and spun her around. She cowered back, her back hugging the door she hadn’t managed to get open.

“I didn’t cheat on you,” she said semi-firmly.

“You’re a whore.”

“I am not,” she cried.

“You’re a stupid bitch. I don’t know why I put up with you.”

“You’re a drunken idiot who is dumber than a box of rocks!” she yelled in his face. She instantly regretted it.

Instead of wasting his time with a slap, he just went right ahead and punched her, square in the jaw. Before she had time to feel the rough carpet rub against her cheek as she fell to the floor or feel the warm blood trickle down her face, she could slowly feel herself slipping away. She figured for sure that she was dead, or at least dying.Better off dead than with him, she thought to herself before slipping into a dark abyss.

She opened the door quickly, jolting herself from her memory. She smiled at the redhead in front of her, trying to forget the memory she just had. “Hey,” she said smoothly, leaning against the doorframe.

“Please sound a little less excited the next time I come home from such a long tour.”

Emma laughed and hugged her friend. After they separated, she dragged him into the living room and the two sat down. “So how was it?”

“Awesome, as usual. It was weird though, seeing so many people singing along to the songs.”

Emma laughed and patted his knee as she brought her legs up under herself. “That’s how it is when you become famous, Nick.”

He laughed and shrugged. “We’re not famous, Em. We’re just… getting there,” he winked at her. She rolled her emerald green eyes at him and chuckled. “Anyways, enough about me. How are you?” he asked her seriously, knowing how difficult the time he had been gone must have been. Emma depended on Nick; she told him everything and he was the reason she hadn’t completely broken down yet.

“I’m fine, Nick. Haven’t broken yet,” she joked, trying to lighten the air surrounding them.

“Seriously, Emma.”

“I’m okay, Nick. Seriously.”

“Why won’t you talk to me?”

Emma rolled her eyes and got up off of the couch. “Right now, there’s nothing to talk about.” She walked over to the fridge and opened it, reaching in for a tropical punch Capri Sun. She shut the door and ripped the straw off of the package, then shoved it into the drink. She took a sip and turned back around to face the living room. “And honestly Nick, I’m tired and don’t think I can get into it with you right now.”

“Do you want me to leave, Em?” he asked, his voice hurt. He didn’t want to leave her right now. He had just gotten there.

She laughed lightly and walked back over to the black leather couch, taking a seat beside him. “No, Nick, I don’t want you to leave. Not at all.”

He smiled and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, sighing in content. “We can talk later, okay?”

He laughed quietly, but nodded. “Okay.” Soon, Emma’s breathing had regulated and she had fallen asleep on Nick’s shoulder, a deep sleep. A nice sleep. A sleep she hadn’t felt comfortable taking when Nick had been gone.

***

“How’d you sleep?” he asked her the next morning. The two had fallen asleep on her couch, curled up together.

She smiled and stretched, her arms raising as high up as possible while her white t-shirt slid up her tummy. “I haven’t slept so well in months, honestly.”

Nick frowned and said, “That’s what I was afraid of.”

“Just because I’ve been stressed out and busy, Nick. That’s all, really,” she lied, trying to backtrack and fix her mistake.

“Em, we have to talk.”

“Nick, I’m alright. I’ve had a few rough nights sleeping wise, but I’m okay.”

“So you haven’t had any nightmares?” he asked her, knowing full well she couldn’t and wouldn’t lie to him.

“Well…” she trailed off, not looking him in the eye. She couldn’t look him in the eye and lie at the same time. Nick was one of the few people that had that kind of power over her.

“Exactly,” he sighed, walking over to her from where he stood leaning against the kitchen counter. He grabbed her hand lightly and pulled her gently into the living room. They took seats on the couch and when Emma still wouldn’t look Nick in the eye, he reached up under her chin and turned her head to face him. “Emma, did you have more nightmares while I was gone?”

Before she even knew what was happening a tear slipped out and down her cheek. Now she didn’t have a choice but to tell Nick the truth. “Yeah,” she said quietly. Yes she still had nightmares. Nightmares about being alone, nightmares about Jeff beating her. Every night just like clockwork, they came.

He pulled her close and hugged her. “I wish you would have told me.”

“Why? So you’d drop the tour and come home to take care of me when you and I both know there’s nothing we can do about these?” She sighed and sat back, her head dropped so the back of it fell against the top of the leather couch. “You can’t help me, Nick.”

“I didn’t say I could help you, Em. But at least talk to me. You’re tearing me apart by crying like this.”

She wasn’t sure what it was about Nick, but his voice was very persuasive to her. It could make her do anything. At least, that’s the reason she was telling herself for why she decided to spill her guts to him right then. “I don’t feel good enough anymore. I feel like nothing I do is good enough. Not only that, but the things I do to try and be good enough aren’t me. Everyone thinks I’m so mysterious and complicated. The thing they aren’t realizing is that I’m scared, vulnerable, and lonely. I don’t feel like anyone will ever love me thanks to my good for nothing parents and Jeff and…” she trailed off, her breath catching in her throat from the tears falling down her face at full force.

Before she could let a sob choke its way out, Nick was pulling her close, hugging her tightly and shushing her quietly. He rubbed tiny circles on her back and waited until she was done crying before he let her go again. He put both hands on her shoulders and made her look him in the eyes before he spoke. “First of all, you are more than good enough. You’re perfectly imperfect, Em, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Second off, people think those things because they don’t know the real you. It’s not for lack of trying, though. People try and get to know you, but because of your past, you have a hard time letting people in. You’re scared and vulnerable because you’ve gone through some tough shit. You may feel like no one will love you because of the way your parents left you or the way Jeff treated you, but that’s not true. You know why I know that, Em?”

“Why?”

“Because I love you.”

The statement shouldn’t have surprised Emma. Nick was one of her best friends. He took care of her, he made sure no one hurt her, and he was always there for her. It really shouldn’t have been such a shock to Em that Nick loved her, but it was. It was a surprise that anyone as perfect as him loved her.

“No one knows you like I do Em; no one has gotten to love the real you. I have had the pleasure of breaking down your walls and getting inside that pretty little head of yours for the past two years, and I couldn’t be more thankful. I’ve fallen in love with you, Emma Clark.” He stopped to smile at her. He hoped he hadn’t come on too strong or scared her away. “Say something?” he asked her after several minutes had passed and not one emotion had passed over her face.

Finally, she let a small smile plaster to her face. “I love you too, Nick Santino. I think I’ve been in love with you for the past year. You’re probably one of the only people I can trust and let my guard down with.”

Nick burst into a smile and pulled her close, kissing her on the lips. She pulled back ever so slightly and whispered, “Please don’t ever leave me.”

“Never,” he promised, kissing her again.

A lot of people didn’t know the real Emma Clark. She was vulnerable to love and didn’t believe in relationships or marriage. She had her parents to thank for that, after they divorced and let her to live with a foster family when she was only ten. She had bad been beaten by her boyfriend to the point of almost not making it through. Emma Clark was a vulnerable person, but Nick Santino was just the type of boy she needed in her life.

As Emma kissed Nick, she knew she would be okay. Her nightmares would disappear, her anxiety would slowly go away, and the feeling of being alone and being vulnerable was going to disappear. She smiled at the thought, thankful to have someone like Nick in her life, someone she could finally trust, someone who finally loved her like she needed them to.