Fiend

As my journal tells you, it wasn't an easy journey for me to get here. I let go of people from my past (Aaron, I'm sorry that we lost touch), I thought my life was so unstable that I almost threw it all away, and I got myself unintentionally involved with some of the wrong people and then some from the right. I didn't think I would be able to make it this far and still be sane while doing so.

When Liam left, I also sent him away with a suitcase full of my past. I saw it as a way of letting go. There were pictures of us, emotional letters I wrote him at 3 am when I couldn't sleep, and memories of my mother in that suitcase. I wanted a fresh start and for him to read those letters to tell him how much I cared about him. Even if he would see those pictures or if he ignored them, it was nice to release my feelings. I was tired of bottling everything up inside.

God, would mom be proud of me right now? I have learned so much in the past five months. I am now content with being surrounded by people, especially ones that love and care for me. I never really appreciated Aaron's presence until I opened myself up to experience Jason's. Jason is such a kind hearted person. He genuinely cared about me during the time that I knew him. And to also get to bond with someone who is a female! That is a whole new level of acceptance.

I guess you could say I was willing to adjust to living here instead of moving away as I had originally planned. I have people here who love me and want to see me succeed. They made me want to push myself to become a better person, to readjust my outlook on life.

But earlier today, Jason knocked on my bedroom door. I was sitting at my desk writing the first passage of this entry when he stopped me.

"Marina, I have something important to give to you." He was holding something behind his back, "I want you to take this money and leave here."

I was intrigued, "Is this a bribe to kick me out of the apartment again?"

"No. I mean to leave New York."

"You're not serious?" He had to be joking. There was no way I could take that money and not feel guilty about it.

"I am. Caroline and I chipped in to give you enough money to move out of this city, this state. You can go where ever you want. And we felt bad hearing that you spent the rest of your money on Liam so that he didn't have to stay here."

"I can't take your money."

"It's not my money, Marina. It's a gift. You've been nothing but a great friend to me and Caroline has seen that as well. Although I don't want you to leave, I want nothing but the best for you and we both know that that isn't here." He held out the money in front of my face again. There had to be about a thousand dollars in that stack.

I hesitated to reach for it, "What if I don't want to leave?"

"You can't lie to yourself Marina. You need to move on and start somewhere new."

So with those final words, I took the deal. I was no longer going to reside in New York. Caroline walked through the door when she heard that I accepted it. She came in with two new suitcases for me. I wanted to cry tears of joy. These two are some of the best people I have ever met.

I immediately packed and then gave my heart felt goodbyes to the both of them. I did shed a little tear when I hugged Caroline who was shedding tears herself. But when it was time to say goodbye to Jason, I didn't know if I could pull through it. I, indeed, was a big baby. This man is like the older brother every girl wants.

"Be strong. Don't forget to stay in touch with me okay?" Jason smiled and lightly kissed my forehead. "I'll miss you."

I babbled out my words and he lightly laughed. I hiccuped and waved goodbye from the open door. As soon as I hit Sax Avenue, I wanted to turn back around. My mind telling me "No, no run back! There is still time!" but my heart told me to go. I sighed and hailed a cab to JFK airport.

It's currently two in the afternoon. My flight is booked, the luggage is packed, and my eyes are still tired from the night before. My plane is set to leave in ten minutes and I am debating on keeping this journal for the road ahead. But hey, it was time for a change right?

I won't be telling you where I'm going but just know that it will be everything I ever dreamed of. Mom, I'm finally coming home.