The Day I Left the Womb

The white walls covered with band posters in my room were catching all my attention. I didn't want to think in anything else besides the fact that I was alone in my house and with nothing better to do that look at the walls over and over again.

Dried tears on my cheeks gave away that I cried all the afternoon, and the missing calls on my cell phone only made me feel worse.

I didn't feel like getting up, I didn't feel like doing anything.

My heart was broken, completely broken. This is how hell must be, suffering forever without an end.
I mean, I used to suffer all the time when Gerard didn't even look at me on the halls of the school or when I used to wait for him at the end of every class just to hear his voice from far away and to watch that beautiful smile he has. But this kind of suffering was different.

I used to suffer for him, I used to cry for him every night and I used to think about him all the time but he didn't know me. He didn't know I existed 'till today. He didn't know he hurt me every time he passed right next to me without notice me.
I couldn't believe how lucky I was this morning, feeling his arm around me. Knowing the smell of his hair or how smooth his skin actually was. And finally knowing for real how sweet and tender his lips are, and how soft and beautiful his kisses are.

All happened so fast, like it wasn't real. Like a dream come true, I even felt like a fucking princess with his charming prince on her side!

Happiness isn't for me, you know? I think I need to get used to that. I can't be happy, God or whatever the hell controls the fucking universe don't want me to be happy. I think destiny can't stand the fact that I can be happy for one fucking second.
Everybody hates me, even God. Well, why would he love a fucking pansy like me?
I always get hurt, I always suffer and I always get my black little heart completely broken. This isn't the first time, so I need to get used to. I'm pretty sure my whole life is gonna be like this.

I still can't believe how can this perfect day got ruined. Why didn't I stay there? Why did I have to run away?
I got scared, disgusted, angry, confused, sad... So many feelings mixed up in a moment. The moment I saw Mikey's lips touching Gerard's mouth and giving him a kiss brothers should never give to each other.
I couldn't stand stay there after I saw Gerard kissing Mikey back... Yeah, he kissed him back. I stood up not saying a word to Gee who pulled his little brother away from him and looked at me with wide eyes, scared of what I was gonna do, of my reaction, of whatever I was supposed to say at the moment. I didn't say anything. I took my cell phone, my clothes and left. That simple, I just left...

Gerard didn't follow me, he didn't say a word. He stayed there on his bedroom with Mikey, who looked pleased with my reaction and my decision of leaving, that's what the little fucker was trying to do. Making me go away.

I heard the front door and I know my mom already came back from work. It must be like 7pm now, how much time I spent looking at the walls and thinking about Gerard?

"Frank, honey, are you alright?" I heard my mom's voice coming from the kitchen. I didn't wanna get up to say hi, I didn't want my mom to see my face. Every time she sees me sad she asks questions about my sexuality and if I have a boyfriend, it's so fucking stupid. She thinks I'm suffering for being gay, and the fact is that I'm suffering for not being able to be with the one I love.

"I'm fine mom!" I scream, and I'm pretty sure she heard me since she starts talking again, asking me questions about school and how did I get from there to here. How did I feel now and why didn't I take breakfast before leaving in the morning.

"You want something to eat hun?" she asked again and I sighed.

"No mom, I'm fine. I just wanna sleep!" I yelled.

I'm not hungry and I guess I should be, I haven't eat anything besides that coffee that Mikey gave me and made me feel like shit. I don't feel like eating, I just don't wanna... Why is the purpose of eating if at the end I'm gonna vomiting all? Lately I haven't been able to eat anything; every time I get sad I ended up getting sick and bringing up everything on my stomach. It's disgusting.

I just need to sleep; a nap would make me feel better. That's it if my fears decide not to hunt me on my dreams tonight.

I finally stood up taking my clothes off. I check out my cell phone one last time and besides all the missing calls I notice I have an unheard voice message. Should I hear it? What if it's Gerard? I don't wanna hear his voice... That would destroy all the left broken pieces of my heart...

I decide to hear the voice message, not paying attention to my inner voice who was telling me all the time to turn off the mobile and go to bed.
One click.... and...

"Hi Frankie, I-I think we need to talk. What you saw today..." Gee's voice came out from the phone and my hands started shaking. "I think I owned you an explanation and... I-I don't wanna l-lose you..." he stuttered and a sob came out from his sweet mouth. "I'm really sorry for everything, please answer your phone. I f-fucking love you..." another sob and the message cut off and I stood there, in the middle of my room with my knees on the floor crying like the queer I was.

What I am supposed to do now? What I am supposed to do now when I fucking love him too?!