Don't Cry To Me.
My Life As A Teenage Abductee.
I sighed as my body tried to tell me to wake up.
A groan escaped my lips. It wasn't time to wake up yet, my alarm hadn't gone off! Stupid body, shut your mouth before I punch you. I rolled over. When sunlight poured onto my eyelids, I squeezed them closed tighter and buried my face under my pillow. Then I froze.
Sunlight? Oh no. Oh no, no, no…
I was late for school. My dad was going to kill me! Why didn’t he wake me up!? Unless… Maybe I was somehow wrong...?
I glanced at my alarm clock, and winced. It was ten o’clock. Standing up, I sighed and trudged out of my room and down the hallway. No sense hurrying; it wasn’t like it would matter how much more late I was. I walked to the closet for a towel. I hate Mondays.
A clap of thunder sounded through the closet as I stepped through the doorway. The door slammed shut, and a flash of light blinded me. That wasn't supposed to happen.
Suddenly, I was dropped a foot through the air, landing on a large, grassy hill. I looked around, blinked, looked down at my tank top and pajama bottoms, looked around again, and screamed.
This was not my closet.
My gaze traveled down the hill. For miles – I swear, miles – all there was to see was grass. No trees. What kind of an extraterrestrial grassy location doesn't have trees? Why was I even here?
I stood up, pacing the hill. First, I was late for school. Wasn't it bad enough that I didn't set my alarm clock? Did this really have to happen, too? Really? My stomach growled. I sat back down in the middle of the hill. Looked around.
Man, I could really go for a sandwich.
***
I sat, shivering, on my grassy hill. Hours went by, or what seemed like hours, and I was still here. Wherever here was. And I couldn’t find any animal to speak of.
Another flash of light flared through the air. Impulsively, I ducked. It didn’t do any good, though. I still floated up through the air, gripped by an invisible hand. Thrash as I might, I couldn’t break free.
I suddenly found myself in an alien spaceship. Yeah, an alien spaceship, with the whole bleep-bloop-bop crap, green people… the whole nine yards.
Hello, my name is Kayla Ann Katastrophe, and I was abducted by aliens.
Now, you might be thinking, "Dadgum, this girl has gone and lost her ever lovin' mind!" Well... Maybe not that country, I suppose, but I'm sure you cannot possibly think I'm sane by any means. But I'm not crazy! Hungry, on the other hand... Which reminds me.
I'm telling you a story, aren't I?
***
"Excuse me, sir... uhh, ma'am? Whatever you are... Do you think that you could maybe, uhh, not poke me with that?"
The green creature – guy? girl? – paused, staring at me like I spoke a foreign language. Oh, I forgot. Alien. Maybe it couldn't understand what I was saying?
Obviously, as it brought its tool to my skin again. What was it trying to do, eat me for breakfast? Could I eat, too, then?
I wriggled. That thing was COLD! Maybe if I made obnoxiously loud noises it would stop... "BLEEP! BLEEEEEEP BLOOP! BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!"
It worked! Well, sort of. It stopped poking me. And it looked kind of confused. Maybe it was going to feed me!
The creature cleared its throat. "Excuse me, you poor excuse for a human earthling creature. Could you stop making those primitive noises? They are quite unpleasant."
My jaw dropped. Ten feet, I swear it did. "You... Y-you speak? Why didn't you tell me that before!?"
The creature shook its head. "Because, I had hoped, just maybe I could avoid having to endure having a conversation with you if I did not speak to begin with. Your primitive mind would just assume I was lower level. And that plan would have worked, had you been able to keep your jaw shut."
Man, this thing was mean! Who pissed in its cheerios? Which reminds me... "Are you a boy or a girl?"
"I... uh... Well..."
Hah! Now who's primitive? It sputtered on for a few more moments, while I sat there smirking at it. "What, are you genderless or something?"
"That is exactly it, actually."
Now it was my turn to sputter. "Y-y-you wh-whaaa?" It sat blinking at me. Totally serious! I cleared my throat. Whatevs, none of my concern. "Hey, do you think you could maybe untie me? I'm hungry, dangit."
The creature sighed. "Well... since obviously you aren't going to let me peacefully inspect you, I suppose I could do that."
"Well thank you kindly."
***
Hours, I spent with that alien thing. I learned, too. Not like my knowledge will benefit me... Who would listen and not doubt my sanity? ...Exactly.
But I learned that aliens don't have genders. Their babies just kind of materialize at random times. They grow up in a week. They don't need to learn to talk.
And another thing: ALIENS DON'T EAT! So I still haven't gotten that stupid sandwich.
I also learned that the alien's name is Timmy. So I shall refer to Timmy as a he. He has a boy name!
But what a random name, right? Timmy said that his parents had always wanted to be human – which was weird, most aliens hated humans with a passion. Timmy's parents must have rubbed off on him, though, because he was okay once you got past his constant insults. He didn't really mean them, anyway... I think.
He told me that when aliens get punished, they have to go to earth and pretend to be human for a day. They can shape shift, you see. But apparently, being in a human body is pure torture... the emotions come with it. Aliens hate emotion.
Another thing I learned, though, was that Timmy had nothing to do with my closet experience. Just what I always wanted. Two unexplainable and unbelievable things in one day, completely unrelated! Great...
Eventually, I had to go home, though. But Timmy didn't know how to get to my house, so he put me back on the hill. I watched him fly away, wishing I could do the same.
How was I going to explain this absence?
***
My stomach growled. Again.
Was it really too much to ask for a simple sandwich? I mean, here I am. Been poofed through my closet to a random hill, abducted by aliens, poked with cold objects, stranded with no way home. I just want a sandwich...
Maybe if I fell asleep, the hill would have mercy on me? I mean, it randomly sucked me to it. Maybe it would take me back home just as randomly.
And besides. I was... feeling... a... little.... slee...py...
***
I sighed as my body tried to tell me to wake up.
It was completely dark in my room. It worked? It had worked! I was HOME! ...And I really had to pee. What time was it? A yawn pushed through my lips as I rolled over and looked at my alarm clock. My jaw dropped.
Five in the morning. On MONDAY.
But.. I... What? WHAT!?! I just... and... Aliens! What happened to... WHAT!? My brain sputtered in circles. It had been a dream? A DREAM!? It was... But! It was so realistic!
Oh geez. What if it was a warning? I hopped out of bed, and tiptoed out of my room and down the hallway to the closet. Nervously, I slid my hand onto the doorknob. Did I dare? Quickly, I pulled the door open before I could talk myself out of it. And!
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I. Was. Retarded. Did I really expect to be transported to a hill or something? Whatever, I need to go to bed.
With a sigh, I walked back to my room and fell asleep.
***
When I woke up, I was cold. Shivering, actually. Where was my blanket? And why was my bed so wet? Wait... Wet? Like dew? On grass? Without opening my eyes, I rubbed my hand across my bed. It was kind of hard. And... fuzzy, for lack of a better word. I opened my eyes. Groaned. I was still on the hill.
Man, I could really use a sandwich.
A groan escaped my lips. It wasn't time to wake up yet, my alarm hadn't gone off! Stupid body, shut your mouth before I punch you. I rolled over. When sunlight poured onto my eyelids, I squeezed them closed tighter and buried my face under my pillow. Then I froze.
Sunlight? Oh no. Oh no, no, no…
I was late for school. My dad was going to kill me! Why didn’t he wake me up!? Unless… Maybe I was somehow wrong...?
I glanced at my alarm clock, and winced. It was ten o’clock. Standing up, I sighed and trudged out of my room and down the hallway. No sense hurrying; it wasn’t like it would matter how much more late I was. I walked to the closet for a towel. I hate Mondays.
A clap of thunder sounded through the closet as I stepped through the doorway. The door slammed shut, and a flash of light blinded me. That wasn't supposed to happen.
Suddenly, I was dropped a foot through the air, landing on a large, grassy hill. I looked around, blinked, looked down at my tank top and pajama bottoms, looked around again, and screamed.
This was not my closet.
My gaze traveled down the hill. For miles – I swear, miles – all there was to see was grass. No trees. What kind of an extraterrestrial grassy location doesn't have trees? Why was I even here?
I stood up, pacing the hill. First, I was late for school. Wasn't it bad enough that I didn't set my alarm clock? Did this really have to happen, too? Really? My stomach growled. I sat back down in the middle of the hill. Looked around.
Man, I could really go for a sandwich.
***
I sat, shivering, on my grassy hill. Hours went by, or what seemed like hours, and I was still here. Wherever here was. And I couldn’t find any animal to speak of.
Another flash of light flared through the air. Impulsively, I ducked. It didn’t do any good, though. I still floated up through the air, gripped by an invisible hand. Thrash as I might, I couldn’t break free.
I suddenly found myself in an alien spaceship. Yeah, an alien spaceship, with the whole bleep-bloop-bop crap, green people… the whole nine yards.
Hello, my name is Kayla Ann Katastrophe, and I was abducted by aliens.
Now, you might be thinking, "Dadgum, this girl has gone and lost her ever lovin' mind!" Well... Maybe not that country, I suppose, but I'm sure you cannot possibly think I'm sane by any means. But I'm not crazy! Hungry, on the other hand... Which reminds me.
I'm telling you a story, aren't I?
***
"Excuse me, sir... uhh, ma'am? Whatever you are... Do you think that you could maybe, uhh, not poke me with that?"
The green creature – guy? girl? – paused, staring at me like I spoke a foreign language. Oh, I forgot. Alien. Maybe it couldn't understand what I was saying?
Obviously, as it brought its tool to my skin again. What was it trying to do, eat me for breakfast? Could I eat, too, then?
I wriggled. That thing was COLD! Maybe if I made obnoxiously loud noises it would stop... "BLEEP! BLEEEEEEP BLOOP! BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!"
It worked! Well, sort of. It stopped poking me. And it looked kind of confused. Maybe it was going to feed me!
The creature cleared its throat. "Excuse me, you poor excuse for a human earthling creature. Could you stop making those primitive noises? They are quite unpleasant."
My jaw dropped. Ten feet, I swear it did. "You... Y-you speak? Why didn't you tell me that before!?"
The creature shook its head. "Because, I had hoped, just maybe I could avoid having to endure having a conversation with you if I did not speak to begin with. Your primitive mind would just assume I was lower level. And that plan would have worked, had you been able to keep your jaw shut."
Man, this thing was mean! Who pissed in its cheerios? Which reminds me... "Are you a boy or a girl?"
"I... uh... Well..."
Hah! Now who's primitive? It sputtered on for a few more moments, while I sat there smirking at it. "What, are you genderless or something?"
"That is exactly it, actually."
Now it was my turn to sputter. "Y-y-you wh-whaaa?" It sat blinking at me. Totally serious! I cleared my throat. Whatevs, none of my concern. "Hey, do you think you could maybe untie me? I'm hungry, dangit."
The creature sighed. "Well... since obviously you aren't going to let me peacefully inspect you, I suppose I could do that."
"Well thank you kindly."
***
Hours, I spent with that alien thing. I learned, too. Not like my knowledge will benefit me... Who would listen and not doubt my sanity? ...Exactly.
But I learned that aliens don't have genders. Their babies just kind of materialize at random times. They grow up in a week. They don't need to learn to talk.
And another thing: ALIENS DON'T EAT! So I still haven't gotten that stupid sandwich.
I also learned that the alien's name is Timmy. So I shall refer to Timmy as a he. He has a boy name!
But what a random name, right? Timmy said that his parents had always wanted to be human – which was weird, most aliens hated humans with a passion. Timmy's parents must have rubbed off on him, though, because he was okay once you got past his constant insults. He didn't really mean them, anyway... I think.
He told me that when aliens get punished, they have to go to earth and pretend to be human for a day. They can shape shift, you see. But apparently, being in a human body is pure torture... the emotions come with it. Aliens hate emotion.
Another thing I learned, though, was that Timmy had nothing to do with my closet experience. Just what I always wanted. Two unexplainable and unbelievable things in one day, completely unrelated! Great...
Eventually, I had to go home, though. But Timmy didn't know how to get to my house, so he put me back on the hill. I watched him fly away, wishing I could do the same.
How was I going to explain this absence?
***
My stomach growled. Again.
Was it really too much to ask for a simple sandwich? I mean, here I am. Been poofed through my closet to a random hill, abducted by aliens, poked with cold objects, stranded with no way home. I just want a sandwich...
Maybe if I fell asleep, the hill would have mercy on me? I mean, it randomly sucked me to it. Maybe it would take me back home just as randomly.
And besides. I was... feeling... a... little.... slee...py...
***
I sighed as my body tried to tell me to wake up.
It was completely dark in my room. It worked? It had worked! I was HOME! ...And I really had to pee. What time was it? A yawn pushed through my lips as I rolled over and looked at my alarm clock. My jaw dropped.
Five in the morning. On MONDAY.
But.. I... What? WHAT!?! I just... and... Aliens! What happened to... WHAT!? My brain sputtered in circles. It had been a dream? A DREAM!? It was... But! It was so realistic!
Oh geez. What if it was a warning? I hopped out of bed, and tiptoed out of my room and down the hallway to the closet. Nervously, I slid my hand onto the doorknob. Did I dare? Quickly, I pulled the door open before I could talk myself out of it. And!
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I. Was. Retarded. Did I really expect to be transported to a hill or something? Whatever, I need to go to bed.
With a sigh, I walked back to my room and fell asleep.
***
When I woke up, I was cold. Shivering, actually. Where was my blanket? And why was my bed so wet? Wait... Wet? Like dew? On grass? Without opening my eyes, I rubbed my hand across my bed. It was kind of hard. And... fuzzy, for lack of a better word. I opened my eyes. Groaned. I was still on the hill.
Man, I could really use a sandwich.