Status: complete :)
Love Isn't Love, 'Til You Give It Away
We All Have Our Things, I Guess
As I sat on my bed, I was shaking and constantly biting my lip. I was scared. I was scared about what I was about to do. I was scared about what I was going to say. I was scared about how they were going to react. I was scared about the consequences of what I was about to do.
I could hear my own breathing in my ears, loud and uneven. I could feel my heart racing, my veins pulsing in time to my heart beat. I could taste blood from biting my lip too hard. However, the taste didn't stop me from chewing on my tender lip. I stood shakily, my knees weak and crossed my room. I glanced back, as though hoping to find something that needed to be done, to stop me from doing what I was about to do. But there was nothing there. If anything, all my belongings were telling me to hurry up and tell them. I closed my door behind me and went downstairs, towards the family room where I knew everyone was congregated after dinner, watching television.
I got to the door to the room and then stopped. What if it went badly? What if they didn't want me anymore? What if they kicked me out? How would I live? My family were the most important people in my life. I don’t know what I would do if they didn't want me. That's the main reason why I've kept this secret since I was 14. I didn't want to risk my family. But it was time now. I had to tell them the truth, they deserved that much. And now was the best time to do it; after tour and before starting the next album. We had a relatively calm period of time in front of us. Enough time for everyone to become accustomed to this news. Of course, I then had other people to tell, like Miley (kill me) and Alex, my best friend. He was the only person I wasn't scared to tell, I knew he would be okay with it. I don’t know why I thought he would be, but I knew he would.
"Nick?" I snapped out of my thoughts and turned towards Joe, who had spoken. "You okay?" he asked. There was a small smile on his lips, as though he was trying hard not to laugh at me.
"Um, yeah," I said, walking into the room. "I actually, um, need to talk to you."
"Me?" Joe asked, confused.
"No, everyone," I said calmly. But inside I was anything but calm. Everyone then turned to me and I slowly looked at them all. Mum and dad were sitting next to each other on the sofa, dad's arm was round mum's shoulders. Joe was in the armchair. Kevin and Frankie were both on the floor, having just stopped playing with one of Frankie's toys. Everyone was looking at me, waiting for me to say something. I took a deep breath and opened my mouth, but I was interrupted.
"Oh, I almost forgot," dad said and I let out my breath, slightly annoyed that I'd been stopped. But I then realised I hadn’t really started yet. "You boys have an interview tomorrow on Good Morning America. It's at 10 in the morning but we have to be there an hour and a half in advance." We all nodded, accepting that we had to do it. We never mind anyway, we're used to it now, and dad never gives us much notice, he always forgets until the last minute.
"Nick, what did you want to say?" mum asked, pulling everyone's attention back to me.
"I-um...I-" I didn't know how to say it. No matter how much I'd planned, or learnt the whole speech of what I wanted to say, it just wasn't coming out now.
"Nick?" Kevin asked, sensing that something was very wrong.
"Um...I don’t know how to say this..." I said, looking down at the floor.
"Just say it, whatever it is," Kevin said and I nodded, keeping my eyes lowered.
"I'm...um..." I could barely hear my own voice, so I didn't know if they could, but I wasn't going to say it any louder. I didn't want to say it any louder. "I..." I looked up again, into everyone's eyes. I then looked back at my mum, and spoke as I looked into her eyes. "I'm gay."
I heard the collective gasp of the room and my whole body tensed as I waited for someone to talk. But no one did. It was silent. It was awkward. It was uncomfortable. I lowered my head, ashamed of myself. I heard some movement and I raised my head to see my mum walking over to me. She enveloped me in a hug, holding me tightly and I smiled. One out of five so far. I pulled out of her embrace and looked behind her. I saw Joe and my dad had left and my heart sank slightly as tears pooled in my eyes, but Kevin and Frankie were still in the room. Kevin walked over to me and hugged me tightly. "You know we love you, little bro," he smiled and I smiled back and nodded slightly.
"Do they?" I asked, indicating the way dad and Joe must have left the room.
"Of course they do, sweetie," mum said, giving my hand a squeeze. "They might just take a while to get used to it. We all love you." I smiled and nodded. I then realised Frankie was standing next to me and I smiled down at him. He wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me tightly.
"I love you, Nicky," he said and I smiled and hugged him back.
"I love you too, Frankie," I smiled. So, I had 3 out of 5. That's not bad. Better than my worst fears... Just not as good as my greatest dreams.
I could hear my own breathing in my ears, loud and uneven. I could feel my heart racing, my veins pulsing in time to my heart beat. I could taste blood from biting my lip too hard. However, the taste didn't stop me from chewing on my tender lip. I stood shakily, my knees weak and crossed my room. I glanced back, as though hoping to find something that needed to be done, to stop me from doing what I was about to do. But there was nothing there. If anything, all my belongings were telling me to hurry up and tell them. I closed my door behind me and went downstairs, towards the family room where I knew everyone was congregated after dinner, watching television.
I got to the door to the room and then stopped. What if it went badly? What if they didn't want me anymore? What if they kicked me out? How would I live? My family were the most important people in my life. I don’t know what I would do if they didn't want me. That's the main reason why I've kept this secret since I was 14. I didn't want to risk my family. But it was time now. I had to tell them the truth, they deserved that much. And now was the best time to do it; after tour and before starting the next album. We had a relatively calm period of time in front of us. Enough time for everyone to become accustomed to this news. Of course, I then had other people to tell, like Miley (kill me) and Alex, my best friend. He was the only person I wasn't scared to tell, I knew he would be okay with it. I don’t know why I thought he would be, but I knew he would.
"Nick?" I snapped out of my thoughts and turned towards Joe, who had spoken. "You okay?" he asked. There was a small smile on his lips, as though he was trying hard not to laugh at me.
"Um, yeah," I said, walking into the room. "I actually, um, need to talk to you."
"Me?" Joe asked, confused.
"No, everyone," I said calmly. But inside I was anything but calm. Everyone then turned to me and I slowly looked at them all. Mum and dad were sitting next to each other on the sofa, dad's arm was round mum's shoulders. Joe was in the armchair. Kevin and Frankie were both on the floor, having just stopped playing with one of Frankie's toys. Everyone was looking at me, waiting for me to say something. I took a deep breath and opened my mouth, but I was interrupted.
"Oh, I almost forgot," dad said and I let out my breath, slightly annoyed that I'd been stopped. But I then realised I hadn’t really started yet. "You boys have an interview tomorrow on Good Morning America. It's at 10 in the morning but we have to be there an hour and a half in advance." We all nodded, accepting that we had to do it. We never mind anyway, we're used to it now, and dad never gives us much notice, he always forgets until the last minute.
"Nick, what did you want to say?" mum asked, pulling everyone's attention back to me.
"I-um...I-" I didn't know how to say it. No matter how much I'd planned, or learnt the whole speech of what I wanted to say, it just wasn't coming out now.
"Nick?" Kevin asked, sensing that something was very wrong.
"Um...I don’t know how to say this..." I said, looking down at the floor.
"Just say it, whatever it is," Kevin said and I nodded, keeping my eyes lowered.
"I'm...um..." I could barely hear my own voice, so I didn't know if they could, but I wasn't going to say it any louder. I didn't want to say it any louder. "I..." I looked up again, into everyone's eyes. I then looked back at my mum, and spoke as I looked into her eyes. "I'm gay."
I heard the collective gasp of the room and my whole body tensed as I waited for someone to talk. But no one did. It was silent. It was awkward. It was uncomfortable. I lowered my head, ashamed of myself. I heard some movement and I raised my head to see my mum walking over to me. She enveloped me in a hug, holding me tightly and I smiled. One out of five so far. I pulled out of her embrace and looked behind her. I saw Joe and my dad had left and my heart sank slightly as tears pooled in my eyes, but Kevin and Frankie were still in the room. Kevin walked over to me and hugged me tightly. "You know we love you, little bro," he smiled and I smiled back and nodded slightly.
"Do they?" I asked, indicating the way dad and Joe must have left the room.
"Of course they do, sweetie," mum said, giving my hand a squeeze. "They might just take a while to get used to it. We all love you." I smiled and nodded. I then realised Frankie was standing next to me and I smiled down at him. He wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me tightly.
"I love you, Nicky," he said and I smiled and hugged him back.
"I love you too, Frankie," I smiled. So, I had 3 out of 5. That's not bad. Better than my worst fears... Just not as good as my greatest dreams.
