Status: complete :)
Love Isn't Love, 'Til You Give It Away
Whatever I did, Was never enough
My phone rang in my pocket as I walked and I sighed. I pulled it out and was surprised when I saw it was Alex calling me. "Hello?" I said, answering the phone.
"Hey, what's up?" he asked happily. His happy tone briefly got inside my walls before I completely blocked it out. No one was going to get inside my walls again. No one.
"We just got fired," I said, my voice back to its flat lifelessness.
"What?" Alex asked loudly. "What are you talking about?"
"We had a meeting with the higher-ups of Disney. They can't associate with a band that has a gay member," I said. I knew I should sound upset, angry, disgusted. But no, I didn't sound like anything. I sounded like I was reading a script and I couldn’t be bothered to play the role properly. I was just uninterested.
"Nick? What's going on? What's wrong?" he asked. I could hear his worry.
"Nothing, I'm fine," I said, forcing my voice to be reassuring. "I knew it was coming."
"No, not that...there's something else," he said and I frowned.
"There's nothing, Alex," I said surely.
"I don’t believe you," he said.
"Fine," I shrugged. "I don’t care." Alex was silent. I felt the immediate need to apologise, but I forced myself not to.
"Where are you?" he asked.
"I'm walking home," I said vaguely.
"I want to come get you," he said and I heard him moving. I heard the jangle of keys and knew that no matter what I said, he would still come out.
"Fine," I said and snapped my phone closed. If he wanted to find me, he had to do it himself. I didn't ask for company, I didn’t need it. If he was going to force his company on me, then he had to work to do it.
I continued walking. However, I found myself walking at a slower pace. I don’t know why I did that, but some part of me answered: 'to give Alex longer to find you.' About an hour later, I was still not nearly half way home, a car beeped its horn and pulled along side of me. I turned and saw Alex smiling slightly at me. I looked away from him but got into the car regardless. "Your hair is a giveaway," Alex grinned as he ruffled my already messy curls. I smiled weakly. I felt like I had to give Alex a response, whereas if it had been my family, I wouldn’t have reacted at all.
Alex continued driving for about 10 minutes and I realised we were going in the wrong direction. "Where are we going?" I asked, still not showing any emotion in my voice.
"You'll see," he replied, a small smile on his lips. I frowned but then returned to looking out the window. It was another half an hour later that I started to realise where Alex was taking me. I looked down into my lap, trying to think but not being able to.
"Why?" I asked him and he shrugged.
"Felt like it," he said. I knew he wasn't telling the truth but I didn't press him for information. He wasn't asking me questions, so I wasn't going to ask him any.
Another 20 minutes passed and we travelled further into the forest. Eventually, Alex pulled to the left and started driving down a dirt track that no one seems to ever use. We got to the end and Alex quickly pulled to a stop. I glanced at him before climbing out. I walked forward, towards the edge of a steep cliff and looked across the valley at the river, the trees, the fields. Nature. A small smile graced my lips for a second before it was forced back. Alex came and stood next to me, but I didn't take my eyes off of the view. "I haven’t been here in ages," he said and I nodded. "Not since we last came up..." I nodded again. I was sure that even if I wanted to talk, I wouldn’t be able to.
Whenever we came here, I always found the most intense need to be quiet, to let nature surround me. "Hey," Alex said softly. I turned to him and was surprised to see my guitar in his hands. I frowned slightly. "I picked it up before I came after you." He put it in my hands and then pulled me down onto the grass. "You shouldn’t let anything stop you, Nicky," he said softly. I looked at him for a second. He raised his eyes and met my gaze and I felt my heart skip a beat. I quickly looked down. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, mentally rebuilding my wall. I didn't know why it was so fricking hard to keep it surrounding me. Things...people...kept getting inside. And I didn't want them there. I didn't.
"Hey, what's up?" he asked happily. His happy tone briefly got inside my walls before I completely blocked it out. No one was going to get inside my walls again. No one.
"We just got fired," I said, my voice back to its flat lifelessness.
"What?" Alex asked loudly. "What are you talking about?"
"We had a meeting with the higher-ups of Disney. They can't associate with a band that has a gay member," I said. I knew I should sound upset, angry, disgusted. But no, I didn't sound like anything. I sounded like I was reading a script and I couldn’t be bothered to play the role properly. I was just uninterested.
"Nick? What's going on? What's wrong?" he asked. I could hear his worry.
"Nothing, I'm fine," I said, forcing my voice to be reassuring. "I knew it was coming."
"No, not that...there's something else," he said and I frowned.
"There's nothing, Alex," I said surely.
"I don’t believe you," he said.
"Fine," I shrugged. "I don’t care." Alex was silent. I felt the immediate need to apologise, but I forced myself not to.
"Where are you?" he asked.
"I'm walking home," I said vaguely.
"I want to come get you," he said and I heard him moving. I heard the jangle of keys and knew that no matter what I said, he would still come out.
"Fine," I said and snapped my phone closed. If he wanted to find me, he had to do it himself. I didn't ask for company, I didn’t need it. If he was going to force his company on me, then he had to work to do it.
I continued walking. However, I found myself walking at a slower pace. I don’t know why I did that, but some part of me answered: 'to give Alex longer to find you.' About an hour later, I was still not nearly half way home, a car beeped its horn and pulled along side of me. I turned and saw Alex smiling slightly at me. I looked away from him but got into the car regardless. "Your hair is a giveaway," Alex grinned as he ruffled my already messy curls. I smiled weakly. I felt like I had to give Alex a response, whereas if it had been my family, I wouldn’t have reacted at all.
Alex continued driving for about 10 minutes and I realised we were going in the wrong direction. "Where are we going?" I asked, still not showing any emotion in my voice.
"You'll see," he replied, a small smile on his lips. I frowned but then returned to looking out the window. It was another half an hour later that I started to realise where Alex was taking me. I looked down into my lap, trying to think but not being able to.
"Why?" I asked him and he shrugged.
"Felt like it," he said. I knew he wasn't telling the truth but I didn't press him for information. He wasn't asking me questions, so I wasn't going to ask him any.
Another 20 minutes passed and we travelled further into the forest. Eventually, Alex pulled to the left and started driving down a dirt track that no one seems to ever use. We got to the end and Alex quickly pulled to a stop. I glanced at him before climbing out. I walked forward, towards the edge of a steep cliff and looked across the valley at the river, the trees, the fields. Nature. A small smile graced my lips for a second before it was forced back. Alex came and stood next to me, but I didn't take my eyes off of the view. "I haven’t been here in ages," he said and I nodded. "Not since we last came up..." I nodded again. I was sure that even if I wanted to talk, I wouldn’t be able to.
Whenever we came here, I always found the most intense need to be quiet, to let nature surround me. "Hey," Alex said softly. I turned to him and was surprised to see my guitar in his hands. I frowned slightly. "I picked it up before I came after you." He put it in my hands and then pulled me down onto the grass. "You shouldn’t let anything stop you, Nicky," he said softly. I looked at him for a second. He raised his eyes and met my gaze and I felt my heart skip a beat. I quickly looked down. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, mentally rebuilding my wall. I didn't know why it was so fricking hard to keep it surrounding me. Things...people...kept getting inside. And I didn't want them there. I didn't.
♠ ♠ ♠
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