Love Isn't Love, 'Til You Give It Away

I opened my eyes again and I realised the room was dark. I frowned slightly, wondering why I had woken and then realised that I could hear soft voices. There was no one else in the room, so I guessed they were standing just the other side of the door. "...have to make sure he's okay," one voice said and I immediately recognised it.
"Alex?" I whispered.
"You have to let him know you're here," a second voice said. It was Joe.
"No, I can't," Alex said softly. "I'll just go in, see that he's still okay and then I'll leave."
"Alex, you can't keep just coming when he's asleep." Kevin spoke this time, but I wasn't concerned with my brothers. Alex came to visit me? True, I was asleep when he did...but he still came.

As soon as the door handle turned I closed my eyes again and pretended to be asleep. I heard one person cross the room and stand next to my bed. They didn't touch me, just stood there. Then they turned and walked away. I opened my eyes slightly to see Alex's retreating back, heading for the door. "Alex," I whispered and he froze and stiffened. There was a tense moment, and then Alex continued for the door. Tears pooled in my eyes and I gasped. He was still going to leave, even though he knew I was awake. "Alex," I cried and he stopped again.

He finally turned round and I saw tears running down his cheeks. "Don't ask me to stay, Nick," he whispered and I felt my heart twinge.
"Why?" I whispered. I wanted him to stay, I needed him to.
"I can't," he said and I gasped. He lowered his head and I saw a tear trickle down his cheek silently.
"Please," I whispered and he looked up and finally met my gaze. I knew he was going to say no, so I spoke before him. "Just tell me why..."
"I...I..." He trailed off and he looked away from me. He then crossed the room and sat on a chair that was against the wall. As far away from my bed as he could get. "I won't put myself through the last few months again. You need help, Nick. And I thought I could help you...I thought I could help you passed whatever was haunting you. But I couldn’t. I...I just...made it worse. I'm not going to stick around for you to just continue to hurt me and you can't ask me to. You have no idea what the last few months did to me, seeing you so bad and knowing I wasn't helping you one bit. It killed me, Nick. You were my...my best friend and...and I couldn’t help you..." He shook his head and I watched with dread as he stood up.
"Alex-" I whispered but he shook his head.
"Don't," he said. "Don't try to convince me to stay with you. Because it's too painful..." I watched as Alex crossed the room. I wanted to keep my mouth shut because that's what he wanted, but I had to let him know how I felt. He deserved to know.
"I love you, too, Alex," I whispered as he reached the door and he froze. He turned and looked at me and the pain I saw in his eyes almost broke my heart.
"I don’t know if that's enough anymore, Nick," he whispered and I felt my throat constrict. "You need help. Help that I can't seem to give you. And I don’t want to be with you if you're going to treat me in the same way you have over the last few months."
"Alex!" I sobbed. "You did help me! You have no idea how much I depended on you coming to see me every day. That's why I did this. I didn't have you anymore. And I need you. I do. I know I do. You can't leave me." Alex didn't move.
"How can I trust that, Nick? How am I supposed to believe you?" he asked and I gasped softly but realised I didn't know how to respond. He realised after a few seconds that I wasn't going to respond and shook his head. "I can't be with you. Not like this," he said and I felt my heart break.
"Then tell me!" I shouted and I saw Alex jump slightly, not expecting this. "Tell me what you want me to do to prove that I love you, that I need you. What do you want?" I watched Alex as he stared at me, seemingly frozen in place. I wondered what he was doing, but then he started moving closer to me. His eyes locked onto mine and he eventually sat on the bed next to me. We weren’t touching, but we were that much closer. He looked searchingly into my eyes, a frown on his face, and then he pulled back, his face clearing of his frown, his eyes widening.
"Nicky?" he whispered, still gazing into my eyes. I smiled weakly and nodded. "You're...you're back..." he whispered.
"I'm so sorry, Alex," I said quickly. "I never meant to hurt you, I promise. I love you."
"I love you, too, Nick," he whispered. "So, so much." He raised his hand and cupped my cheek as he continued to look into my eyes. Tears pooled in my eyes at his touch and I leaned into his hand.
"Kiss me," I whispered, my voice full of all the emotions I was feeling. I saw Alex hesitate, but then he leant forward and softly placed his lips on mine. I kissed back instantly, my eyes slipping shut. Alex pulled back after a very short while and gazed into my eyes again.
"I missed you, Nicky," he whispered and I smiled weakly.
"I've always been here, with you. I could never hide from you," I said softly and he smiled slightly.
"That's why you kicked me out..." he guessed and I nodded.
"You kept knocking down my walls..." I whispered, lowering my head.
"What were you trying to keep out?" he asked.
"Emotions," I said quietly. "Feelings towards other people...my family mostly. Trust in my family."
"Because of Joe?" he asked and I nodded.
"I didn't know how to trust them. Or anyone I loved. But I couldn’t do that with you...and that scared me," I said, ashamed.
"Loving someone means you have to trust that they won't break that trust," Alex said.
"But Joe broke it...so anyone could..." I said and he smiled weakly.
"But until they do...you have no reason to drive them away," he said.
"I didn't want to get hurt again," I whispered.
"It's a risk you have to take," he whispered back, stroking my hair softly. "For example, I love you, but you have the potential to hurt me. But I'm taking the risk because I'd rather be with you and love you than have to cut you from my life completely."
"I'm sorry," I whispered and Alex nodded.
"I know," he said.