Love Isn't Love, 'Til You Give It Away

The walk that normally takes 10 minutes took me half an hour because I was so reluctant to get home I just put it off for as long as possible. I walked passed Alex's house, forcing myself not to look up. But if he'd seen me, I knew he would come out, whether I looked up or not. But he didn't come out; he hadn’t seen me. Part of me was relieved, but another part of me wished he had seen me and he would come out and look after me.

Eventually, I got to my house and I felt butterflies burst into life in my stomach. I took a deep breath and approached the door. I wanted to go in silently, not alerting anyone to my presence, and just slip up to my room. But I knew I wouldn’t be able to. Mum and Kevin were probably worried about me and were keeping an eye on the front door. I knew I was in for it when I walked through the door, so I bit my lip as I walked forward, bracing myself for what was to come.

I opened the front door silently, shut it behind me silently, and took a step forward. "Nick!" Kevin shouted as he appeared from the living room. I immediately tensed, waiting. I knew everyone would have heard him announcing my return.
"Nicholas!" I heard mum shout from the kitchen. "Where have you been? We've been so worried!" I shrugged awkwardly.
"Nick?" I turned to see my dad standing in the living room doorway behind Kevin. "Are you okay, son?" I looked into his eyes. I nodded slightly and he smiled.
"Nick, I'm so sorry for-"
"Mum, don't apologise for Joe," Kevin said to her before she could finish. "Joe should grow up and apologise himself." I lowered my eyes. Their conversation implied that Joe wasn't sorry and wasn't going to apologise.

I ignored what they were saying and walked passed them towards the stairs. "Nick?" mum asked and I turned and looked at her. But I didn't look at her as if she was my mum. I looked at her as a person. Someone who has no ties to me whatsoever. Someone who doesn’t have any connections to me. Someone who could act like Joe.

I thought of the rest of my family. I had to see them all like that. Not people who I loved, or people who I cared about. People who were strangers. People who, if they betrayed me, wouldn’t hurt me as much as they would if they were family. I had to distance myself from them now. I didn't know what they were going to do. How they were going to treat me. So I had to think of them as strangers if I was going to survive. Because I couldn’t survive this day happening again.

I heard her gasp softly and I knew she could see the coldness in my gaze. I turned and continued to walk up the stairs; away from the people I call my family. I felt tears pricking in my eyes, but I had to be strong. I had to force a distance between myself and them. Just in case.