Harder To Breathe

"So this entire time. This whole year that I've given you everything that you ever wanted. All the times you told me you loved me. When you said you were happy. It was all a lie, wasn't it, Jenna? Shit. This wouldn't even hurt so bad if you had the guts to tell me. I asked you if you were happy. I guess there's not much else I can say now, huh? You broke my heart. I think it should just be known that I will never love another girl the way I loved you. I will never trust another female, and it's all your fault, Jenna. I hope you're finally happy. Give Alex my regards, he's going to need them when he's in Hell."

I kept my eyes closed and my head down as Jack's voice drifted out of my phone. I could feel a slight vibration in my finger tips as his voice grew loud when he was fighting off his tears. This was the last thing I wanted. I knew it would hurt Jack, but I couldn't handle his tears. As the voice-mail came to an end, I closed my phone just before letting it slide out of my hand and bounce on the floor.

It was January third. Only two days had passed since that night at the club. I thought maybe with Jack finally knowing and Alex finally caring that this would be the easiest part, but I was wrong. This was the hardest part. I do love Jack, really, but the word 'love' had so many different meanings. And as he was speaking to me, he was taking all of his anger out on Alex.

"I told you it was rough," I finally lifted my eyes from the ground. Alex's face was pale, and his eyes were dark. I continued to speak, but my voice never grew higher than a whisper. "I want to call him and apologize, but I know he needs his space."

Alex gave me a small nod. His face had changed so much over the last twenty-four hours. The smile that he had on his face when he realized he could freely hold my hand had disappeared the moment that he saw Lisa crying on Rian's doorstep. The happiness in his eyes had been swept away when Jack Barakat screamed hate in his ears. Now, dark circles were under his eyes; he didn't fall asleep last night.

He allowed his eyes to land on mine. My face didn't look much different from his. He stayed where he was for a moment, just staring at me, not even breathing. But out of no where, he flashed me a gentle smile, running hand over his tired, pale face.

"He'll get over it," Alex remarked. His voice was suddenly back to normal. "He has to get over it."

"He doesn't have to do anything, Alex." I gave a long sigh. "No matter what we do, this will never be right."

"But it is right, Jenna." Alex bent his body over slightly. He grabbed my hands, and held them tightly in his own. "Being with you is right."

I wanted to believe his words. I wanted everything to go back to normal- At least as normal as they could get. I wanted Jack Barakat and Alex Gaskarth to be the same goofy best friends they'd always been. I wanted Lisa to stop crying over a boy who didn't really care about her. I wanted everyone to stop being so angry. I wanted my love for Alex to acceptable.

But things never go as planned. Jack Barakat had planned to spend his New Years with me and I was found making out with his best friend. Lisa was planning on marrying Alexander Gaskarth one day, and I ended up sleeping with him. I was planning on telling Jack the truth myself, but it never happened. I was planning on being with Alex no matter what the world said; but this just felt wrong.

As Alex held tighty to my hands, his fingers qickly un-laced with my own as his phone began to go off. It seemed like over the last two days, the both of us were getting more phone calls than we'd ever gotten in our lives. His lifted his phone off the dresser, staring at the bright screen. I noticed Lisa's name flashing on the screen.

Maybe I was over-reacting, but that seemed like a sign to me. First, Jack calls to tell my voice-mail exactly what he was feeling, and now Lisa, who last told Alex to choke on his words; was calling in attempts to fix things. I didn't have to hear what she would say to know it was true, because if I were her, I'd be doing the same thing.

Alex decided to ignore the call. He placed his phone back on the dresser, but as soon as I heard the tone signaling Lisa had left a message, I couldn't help myself. I pulled my body off of his clean bed, and nearly ran for the door. It seemed like too much to handle. Not only the call, but my thoughts.

I knew that if I stuck around, Alex wouldn't have the life he dreamed. His band would never go anywhere. He'd lose every person that he loved. And if it was so easy for me to break Jack's heart because I fell for Alex, how did I know that I would do the exact same thing to Alex? Better yet- How did I know he wouldn't do it to me? I realized that I wasn't just ruining Jack's life, and I wasn't just ruining Lisa's life, I was ruining his, too.

When my body finally pushed through the front door of his house, I nearly hit the ground when I felt the fresh air against my face. As my blonde hair made friends with the wind, I could see from the corner of my eye that there was figure across the road. A figure that I couldn't handle seeing.

Jack Barakat sat on his front porch, his face held deep in his hands, and his body was shaking lightly. The air was still like ice as it hit the Baltimore streets, and Jack wasn't wearing any sleeves. He hadn't noticed me standing in Alex's yard, which I personally thought was for the best. He already knew the truth- He didn't have to see it all over again.

But my plans to keep Jack's heart safe quickly flew out the window when Alex Gaskarth followed me into his front yard, screaming my name. It seemed as though I could barely hear Alex, however. Everything around me seemed to become one big blur. The only thing my eyes could clearly focus on was Jack. His low head shot up, and his dark eyes held tears. Though he wasn't crying, I knew he wanted to. He followed Alex's figure as it ran behind me. I thought for sure he would get up and scamper back into his house- But he didn't move.

"Jenna, stop!" Alex grabbed my shoulder, spinning me around to face him. "This is what we wanted. We just wanted to be together."

"I can't do this, Alex." My voice began to crack. The images of Lisa's tears, Jack's hurt, they just kept popping into my mind. "It's not fair to everyone else."

"Who cares about everyone else?" Alex released my shoulder. He tilted my face up, so I could stare into his chocolate eyes. "I only care about you."

"And that's not fair." As I spoke more, I could feel the tears filling my eyes. I was trying so hard not to blink, because if I did, they'd fall. "He's your best friend, Alex."

"I told you. He'll get over it, Jenna. He'll get over it, and we-"
"But it's wrong, Alex! Look at your best friend!"

I never once expected my voice to leave my lips as loud as it did. The city seemed to grow quiet with my screaming words. Alex's hand dropped my face, and he took a step away from my shaking body. It was like I was breaking down. I didn't mean to yell at Alex. I didn't mean to cry, but I couldn't stop the tears from coming.

I ran my hands over my face, partly so I didn't have to look at him, partly because I didn't want him to see my tears. I inhaled a deep breath, and turned around, trying to calm myself. But as I brought my hands away from my eyes, I could see prefectly through my tears. Jack Barakat had left his porch, and he was now standing just across the street from me. His once happy eyes had grown dark. He looked like more of mess than both Alex and myself. He had his hands stuffed in his pockets as he stood on the sidewalk. He didn't speak, he didn't even look mad, he just stared at the scene.

My sobs came to an end. Instead of crying out loud, I was crying silently. As the tears ran acorss my cheeks, I took a step away from the sidewalk. I pulled my eyes away from Jack, and I glanced to Alex. His eyes didn't even flash to my own. Instead, he kept them locked on Jack, and the more I stole glances from each of them, I realized they were connecting in one of those best friend ways I could never understand.

"Jenna, I love you." Alex finally tore his eyes away from Jack's. He wouldn't look me in the eyes, but he was staring at my face. "And I don't want you to go."

"I'm sorry," I choked out. I turned my head back across the street. Jack still hadn't moved, but this time, he was staring at me. "Jack I am so sorry."

And without another word to either of the boys, the boys that I had torn apart; I ran as fast as my feet would carry me without another glance.

Please don't go away, 'cause I will never be the same without you.

But that was two years ago.

And even to this day, I can't look at either of them. Though we still in the same neighborhood, I haven't spoken to either of them. Not a single word. I heard through people that we all know it only took Alex Gaskarth and Jack Barakat three months to work out their problems. I heard from people we both know that it only took Alex Gaskarth six months to hold Lisa in his arms again.

But since I've been gone, I keep telling myself that I did the right thing. They finally got what they'd wanted. All Time Low was singed. They were shipped off on tour, where their names would go up in lights. They managed to get everything they ever wanted.

I hear their music all the time, but I don't have the guts to listen to it. Though I have heard from many people, fans if that's what you want to call them, that Noel is a popular song. I guess, when I think about it, that's all the proof in the world that Alex really cared.

I know that Jack's had his share of problems since, too. He drinks a lot, or at least that's what I hear. He apparently didn't lie to me when he sent that voice-mail, either, because Jack Barakat hasn't been in a relationship since he found out that I had cheated on him with Alex Gaskarth. It bothered me that Jack wouldn't let himself be happy, but I got it, because I'd been single since I ran away from them.

I guess this is how life ends up sometimes. Things that you've grown so used to, people you love dearly, it all gets thrown down the drain. But at least we all learn our lessons. I'm thankful that I even knew those boys. They helped me become a better person. Miserable, yes, but better.

New Years is just around the corner, and this year, I mean it when I say I'm starting it with intentions of being a better person.

Your lips are a hot flame, baby, and our chemistry is kerosene. Take it off, take it all off, maybe. And I'm lost for words. When words don't compare- Write it down.