Playing God

Michael’s nineteens will never be forgotten.
It’s been months since Nan left the hospital and came to live with Michael’s family. Her husband has died a long time ago and she lived by herself all those six years, occasionally visiting the rest of the family members, but now she’s staying with Michael, Gerard and their parents to be taken care of like her age and heart situation require. She doesn’t mind at all because they’re family and because she feels loved, seriously loved, and company is something she never renounces to.

She seems okay there, she seems happy, and Michael feels the same way, especially as they talk about a lot of things for long hours after Michael comes back from work every week day. She enjoys that too, Michael can tell, because she seems interested in what he says, and very certain of her answers, and also very delighted to share those moments with her grandson; not only those, because they also pray together every day before dinner, reunited in the spare bedroom of the house where Nan has been sleeping for those months. They pray out loud inside that room and share direct dialogs to God, and Michael loves to do that in there with her because she was the first one telling him about religion and because she taught him how to pray correctly.

They do it because it’s only natural to them, but Michael keeps in mind the main reason behind his current belief and constant prayers; Gerard. His brother has changed since Nan came home; in the first week, nothing happened, but Michael once overheard a very special conversation. He had gone downstairs to meet Gerard and ask how he was doing, since Frank had gone missing for some time for a reason only he knew, but Michael stopped at the bedroom door as voices were heard through it. Michael listened as Nan asked Gerard if he would do something – something that Michael was oblivious about – and the brother promised her he would, he would change and try to get better no matter how bad he was feeling. Michael needed no more.

Michael just ignores the jealousy inside himself; he knows that the grandmother was told back then about Gerard’s reasons for his self-destruction behavior and he feels unhappy toward who is supposed to be his best brother and best friend, but he chooses to ignore such feelings and to comprehend how wrong they are. Consequently, he goes back to his conversations with God, either alone by his bed every morning and night, or with Nan in her bedroom before every day’s dinner. He feels comfortable and at peace when he resigns his silence and gives his heart and mind to God. Michael wants to be the best believer, even if the High Power responds slowly and silently, because He will always be there for him, and vice-versa.

One day, about two weeks after Frank finally called saying he was on family vacation, Michael is observing Gerard from the corner of his eye as the older brother talks to Nan quietly and seems to smile a little. Michael knows Gerard really is trying to change, because he almost doesn’t recognize his brother: not only Gerard’s in the living room, finally out of the basement, he also laughs a little at something Nan just told him and he smiles an honest smile when the bell rings.

“It’s Frank,” Gerard says in an audible whisper as Nan and Michael watch him getting up and looking down at his clothes; he’s never done that before, Michael feels quite sure about that. Gerard is only wearing the regular black t-shirt and skinny jeans, that still look horribly baggy on his frame, so Michael can’t exactly understand, but his mouth tugs a little smile as he enjoys this new attitude from Gerard.

“I want to surprise him,” Gerard concludes with a smile to Michael and, afterwards, to Nan, who nods her head and smiles back. The bell rings again and Gerard moves closer to the door, making Michael feel very proud of his older brother. He remembers one night, when he was praying and having visions of Jesus Christ’s walking-over-water miracle, and Gerard knocked on his bedroom door to tell him that, since Nan was getting better, he wanted to do so too. Now, Michael notices that Gerard really has changed for better and he loves that.

Gerard opens the door as Nan sits on the couch, just next to Michael, and they both turn their heads as Frank’s voice sounds. “Hey… Gee…” He sounds surprised.

“Welcome back, Frank,” Gerard replies and looks out for his boyfriend’s hand to pull him in, close the door and lean in for a short kiss. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Frank says only, eyes very wide at the scene in front of him. Michael knows he wasn’t expecting any of that, because “Gee, are you smiling?” he asks at last, visibly beaming at Gerard.

“I missed you,” Michael hears his brother say when he turns back to the TV. He smiles a grin of his own and imagines a kiss being shared by the closed door, due to the lack of human voices sounding around. Michael looks at his grandmother and she’s smiling too, before she winks, obviously anticipating the “I missed you too,” coming from Frank’s only-a-bit-panting voice.

That’s the last thing Michael can properly hear as he shuts down to the rest of the scene; he’s focusing on the words constantly repeating inside his head for the obvious reasons and his various actions from the past; thank you, Lord.

**

The next Saturday is very calm. Michael is in the kitchen preparing lunch for six people, even if he’s alone at home right now. He doesn’t mind at all, because it means he can talk, pray and sing out loud, knowing only he and God will listen; he likes that. That and the idea of so many people united for lunch that day; it’s unique for the time, Michael thinks, and he ponders about the situation.

Dad is the biggest surprise, because he used to spend hours on end at work, definitely to avoid the hurt feeling and the tension that once reigned in that house and hovered over that family. Now, though, he comes home for lunch and in the middle of the afternoon, from Monday to Saturday, his working days; and on Sundays, he stays at home and spends time with the family. He’s also grown to accept Gerard’s sexuality and, for everyone’s surprise, for a reason Michael can’t exactly point out, he asks very often for Frank. Michael loves the change and he thanks only one.

Mom remains the same caring and active mother, dwelling in pain or inundating of joy accordingly to the family’s mood. She’s happier now, and Michael prays for that feeling to last very long.

Nan is once more the light of the house and the reason for everyone’s smiling expressions. Michael knows she loves every single one of them with all her heart, even if now it still is weak and needs to be carefully taken care of. She’s always worried about being unhappy and that’s the reason why she makes them grin, and laugh, and be a real family. Michael loves that and everything else about his grandmother, who will come home soon from the cemetery, where she went with her daughter, Michael’s mother.

Gerard is, then, the most wonderful case of success in the house, in Michael’s opinion. His brother is back! He smiles, he talks, and he laughs; he shares good things with Michael again, he holds Frank’s hand in front of everyone, and he gets out of the house for walks; he also sits at the kitchen table during meals and Michael is proud that Gerard can eat again, even if it’s such small portions. Michael feels, too, very deeply in his heart, hope and faith, that it all will get even better with time and patience… and prayers.

And Frank. He’s already part of the family, from all the years he’s known them all, since the very first moment his and Michael’s mother introduced them after Mass. It’s been long years of a true friendship between the boys, since Michael is only one year older than Frank and, even if they were so different in many points of their lives and convictions, it didn’t matter any day, especially as Gerard joined their juvenile friendship and transformed some of the feelings between all of them. Michael wasn’t jealous that Frank and Gerard got closer and became boyfriends later, he still isn’t, because he knows that those feelings are true and strong, and he knows how supportive Frank can be to Gerard and himself, and he knows how much Frank cares for Gerard and wants him to be healthy, lively and happy for many years of their lives. Michael can’t be jealous of that because he feels the same towards Gerard, only in his brotherly way, and even towards Frank, in his friendly way of loving him.

So they will all come home soon and Michael is almost done with their lunch, focusing on that while thinking of how much more right his life feels now. He definitely can multi-task as he’s still mouth-whispering his prayers or songs to God, which actually are his favorite because Nan once told him that singing holy hymns was transferring a double, or triple, power to the words and God would listen to them better and more carefully.

Michael still believes in that, because after all Nan wouldn’t lie to him, and he randomly looks out of the window that will direct his eyes and glasses to the main street to see if someone is already coming, but the street isn’t there again. It’s the never ending lake and the figure walking on the water, dressed in the white tunic, but this time it isn’t Christ. Michael is looking at himself, he recognizes the brown hair and the square glasses, and his previous smiles and hymns fade away, because he can’t quite comprehend the meaning of that vision. Christ has done the miracle of walking on water, but Michael can’t do it; it’s humanly impossible. So, what can it mean; a sign that he can metaphorically take Christ’s place because of his constant prayers being answered through time? Can it be a premonition that everything will be as alright with his family as he wants it to be?

Michael smiles again, staring at his miraculous image, and turns around to dissolve the vision before it gets too addicting. He thinks that continuing his prayers and sacrifices can be the way to go and reach his current goals. Since Nan came to live with them, Michael hasn’t sacrificed in any way because it all started going back to place, but maybe now he’s being called to re-start those self-inflicted choices. The vision, he thinks, has definitely come to him to make him see that, so he tries to think of something as the prayers return to his head and mouth.

He’s whispering and thinking that he needs to be fast to not get caught by anyone suddenly coming home; everything as he looks around, checks the boiling lunch to make sure he still has time and gets a glass from the kitchen table. He spins it in his hands and an idea hits him; he still has to open all the cabinets in the room because his prayers occupy all parts of his mind and he can’t exactly focus on anything else. Michael just moves out of instinct.

Opening the right door at last, he glances at his target and the sounds in his head get louder and come out through his mouth as actual words. He reaches for the thin plastic bottle and pours some of its contents into the glass in his hand, ready to drink that until not one drop is left. Michael gets it closer to his face and the smell of pure white-wine vinegar is very intense from the concentrated quantity in front of his nose; he whimpers in between prayers and is quiet for one moment before bringing the glass to his lips.

He drinks his sacrificial cocktail and the nasty taste fills his throat with disgust, because it sure doesn’t taste good, any good. He prepares another one, though, a bitter sensation in his stomach, but a sweet one in his soul, as his prayers get louder and spoken yet again. They’re very deep in his mind, and natural in his soul, as he prays to God and to Mary with the third glass; his belief somehow detached him from the horrible taste because it all happens while Michael focuses on Gerard, and Nan, and everyone else soon getting home, until he can’t drink any more.

He swallows the hash lump in his throat and puts the glass on the counter to get the plastic bottle to the cabinet again; “Assist our family, Holy Father,” Michael randomly says before another Our Father and checks on lunch again, making sure to also remove any evidence that can denounce his previous actions. The prayer ends and he’s ready to start another one, right after his sigh, but the door lock can already be heard and Michael just opens his regular smile.

“Hello, Michael.”

“Hello, Mom.” He turns around. “Nan. Lunch’s almost ready.”

**

It’s Wednesday evening. Michael comes home from work, it’s already past six o’clock, and the house is empty. He knows the mother and the father will be arriving soon, from their own jobs, but it’s weird to not find Nan or Gerard at home; Michael even thinks that the brother might have done something for some reason in the basement bedroom, he panicked about that, but no – the dark room is tidied and empty. It only means that Nan has been there and together they have gone somewhere, somewhere.

Michael shrugs and goes to the kitchen to prepare something for dinner, because that’s what he does for his family. So, he consults his mother’s weekly schedule to see what she predicted for that day’s meal; it reads pasta, it’s pasta night!, and Michael smiles at only the mental smell and flavor of steaming carbohydrates and the delicious sauce; mmm. He’s getting everything ready, exposing all the necessary ingredients, bowls and utensils on the counter when the door sounds open and closed, and in come Gerard and Nan. They walk in and Michael smiles.

“Oh, hello, Michael,” Nan greets with a similar smile and gets closer to kiss his cheek caringly.

“Hey there, Mikey,” he hears Gerard and sees him pull out two chairs by the table. Why two?

Oh, Frank is just walking in. “Mikes!” he nearly yells and runs to pull Michael into a tight hug; that’s just how joyful Frank can be at times. “I missed you, buddy!” He playfully squeals and ruffles Michael’s hair as everyone smiles or laughs in the room.

“How come, if you have practically moved in already?” Michael teases.

--

Some time after dinner, Michael is in the living room with Mom, Dad and Nan, half-watching TV, half-dozing off from boredom, when the basement door sounds weirdly. Gerard has taken Frank down there as soon as the meal was over and now they’re coming back upstairs; Michael’s eyes snap open at the noise – even if he didn’t know that they were closed – and stares at the two boyfriends walking in… looking suspiciously flushed and red on their lips. Michael shakes his head playfully.

“Frank’s going home, everyone,” Gerard announces with one palm rubbing one of Frank’s shoulders, as they both smile. Then, everyone waves goodbye and wishes him a good night.

“Bye, Franks,” Michael squeals jokingly and flutters his eyelids towards Frank, making him laugh and Gerard scoff at the same time. He’s looking over the backboard of the couch and watches Gerard kissing Frank’s temple and whispering another of the boyfriends’ secrets.

Michael can only smile, because his brother has just changed so much the past weeks that it’s almost unbelievable. If Michael hadn’t seen Gerard’s evolution for himself, he wouldn’t believe if someone told him. He feels proud of his older brother for having succeeded in getting better, and also proud for having done it again. It started working when he was only a boy of ten years old, then it worked years later when bugs plagued at least three different cities in the country, and even more years later when Nan had two heart attacks; now, it’s working on Gerard. God is being his best friend; He has always been Michael’s greatest, more trustworthy Friend and Father to Whom Michael will always turn to in critical times.

Running thoughts inside his head, Michael stares at Gerard after he closes the door and watches him intently as he sits on another couch in the room. Gerard finally looks up and meets Michael’s eyes. They smile, but Michael can see deeply into Gerard’s eyes and he just knows it’s not over yet.

--

Michael is reading a book in the silence of his bedroom; there’s only the light from his bedside lamp illuminating the small area by the headboard of his bed. He’s lying half down against it, weirdly sitting cross-legged under the duvet in nothing but his natural pyjamas, and he’s waiting. The clock on the nightstand reads half past midnight and Michael knows most of his family is either falling asleep or already sleeping softly, because they always go to bed early on week days.

He waits for another half hour, half-reading the thriller story in his hands, half-dozing off to thoughts of what he’s about to do. As always, his heart is beating fast against his ribcage, fast and very hard, because of that adrenaline his body releases at the thought of getting up, doing it and getting caught. He doesn’t want that, so he waits, just another ten minutes and, then, he finally closes the book and gets up from the bed.

Michael does everything as silently as he can. Everyone in the house is in bed and he can’t risk anything, so he only pitter-patters through the corridor and downstairs to the kitchen, where he stops and listens. Nothing. It means that he’s safe to do what he came here to do.

The middle of the night is Michael’s favorite moment for this daily sacrifice, because in the past Father Doyen made him see that sometimes we have to allow sufferance to come down on us, so that others can enjoy God’s mercy. And Michael wants that; he will make himself suffer to let others feel how God can be a good friend; he will prove his faith and strength through pain and he knows the Holy Father will listen to his prayers and see that he is strong enough to keep an eye on himself and on others that may need help – for anything.

That’s the way Michael sees things, believing in God the way his family has taught him to and believing that everyone can feel and see the same God he does.

That’s why Michael comes to the kitchen every night, in the silence and secrecy of the night, with his purpose, his goals and his prayers in mind. And there he gives life to his sacrifice, sometimes it’s handfuls of salt, or rotten food he hid somewhere since he usually takes care of all kitchen duties by himself, but tonight is one to drink. So, Michael gets a glass from the dishwasher, opens the right cabinet and gets the usual plastic bottle that contains the white-wine vinegar – Michael’s best friend for the current belief in his heart.

In his mind, there’s the image of his presently happy family, the wish to keep things like that, but also the image carved deeply in Gerard’s eyes. Michael knows he can see through his brother and, deep down there, right where not many can reach, Michael still reads pain. He just knows it’s not over yet, as though Gerard feels better and wants to keep it that way for everyone’s sake, but he can’t just get out of it. Michael’s eyes fill with tears at the thought of his brother, locked within a ghastly feeling Gerard doesn’t want to feel, that Michael doesn’t want Gerard to feel.

Michael can’t help it; he reads Gerard’s eyes and it’s like his brother can’t get out of that hole he got into for far too many years. Therefore, Michael wants to keep helping Gerard through God and he does the only thing he can think of: he whispers his favorite prayers, thinks of his best brother and best friend and drinks his second glass of the night. The bittersweet sensation swims freely, lost within his insides as soon as it gets there, extending the bitterness down his throat and drowning that sweetness deep within his soul, until it all consumes him from inside out. He feels hopeful, somehow, so he prepares the third vinegar cocktail. He always had an extra plastic bottle to compensate those mysterious ‘vinegar disappearances’, but that’s not what fills his mind now.

As soon as he brings the glass to his mouth, he inhales and the nasty odor makes him feel dizzy; everything stops. His whispered prayer fades to nothingness, his thoughts to blankness, and Michael feels like his brother; he has dug a hole that’s too deep now and he can’t get out. He just can’t climb up those walls and set himself free anymore, only to suffer and save his brother Gerard, but he’s also tired, especially of the visions. They keep coming to him, the never ending lake, the figure in that white tunic walking on the water. And he has dreams too, about himself walking over that lake and having to see Gerard drowning in those waters; Frank is there too, trying to save Gerard and calling for Michael’s help, but he can’t do anything because his feet barely touch the surface, and he can’t kneel down, and his hands won’t be able to pull Gerard up.

Michael doesn’t know what those mean anymore and he’s confused, so he keeps praying to God to try and get the explanation for those images, perhaps fears, and to pray and try to steal Gerard from his very own hole.

Michael finally drinks that third glass of vinegar and his eyes close at the repulsive taste, at the impure scent, but he can’t avoid the lonely tears. They fall at his situation, but he wipes them right away because God will help him, if Michael believes enough. He knows that.

He prays inside his head, over and over and over again, until his mind is at peace once more and his heart beats regularly. He’s calm again and he takes care of everything in the kitchen, tidying everything, removing all evidences of his presence there, so that he can go back to his room. That’s Michael’s intention, but as he gets to the bottom of the stairs, he finds Gerard.

He’s wearing a t-shirt and only boxer briefs, as he has clearly come from bed, but Michael recognizes his actions from somewhere. Gerard is wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and rubs his cheek afterwards, but from his palm a single drop of water falls, as though he has washed his hands and failed at drying them. Oh, no…

“Goodnight, Mikey,” Gerard says as he walks to the kitchen. Their eyes meet brutally and Michael can read that deepness again, feeling that the sacrifice still isn’t enough. Gerard can’t hold the gaze and he suddenly looks away when Michael tries to show him his concern, but Michael sighs and decides to respond.

“Goodnight, Gerard.” He walks closer to the first step of the stairs, but turns around to follow Gerard’s figure.

In those sleeping clothes, he seems too tall and too thin, but not in the same way as Michael. He has always been thin and tall, but he knows he never looked that ill. Gerard’s bones are poking out from everywhere; Michael can see the cartilage on Gerard’s heels, and the weird forms of his knees, and the hipbones protruding beneath the thin fabric of boxer briefs, and the way his t-shirt looks too large for him even though Frank has offered it to Gerard only five months ago for his birthday and, even on the back of Gerard’s neck, Michael can distinguish Gerard’s spine perfectly. He whimpers when the brother turns right and enters the kitchen, leaving behind the phantom of his lack of weight and the reflex of his so-pale, almost-grey skin. It’s awful.

Michael wonders how it can be possible, so much that there is no answer, but there’s space for a prayer and the too many memories from everything Michael has seen in his brother. For too many years, Michael has seen too many things in Gerard, from the incomprehensible images of his young teenage years that make full sense now, to the barely-existent slice of apple, to the days he found Gerard passed out or vomiting, and even to how much Frank has been on his side – to save Gerard. It’s not over yet.

As his third Our Father fades to silence, Gerard re-appears at the kitchen door and catches Michael’s eyes from where he’s standing by the stairs. He’s smiling weakly, certainly trying to look secure of himself, but Michael just reads through him and knows that it’s all fake. “Gerard…”

“It’s okay, Mikey,” the brother says immediately, not waiting to hear about the concern Michael was just about to word. “Everything will be alright,” Gerard states and kisses Michael’s cheek, who’s left silent and without knowing how to react, what to think or what to say.

So he just watches.

Gerard walks the rest of the way to the basement door and Michael’s eyes follow his figure again, still so tall, so scarily thin, as Michael has never seen. The next prayer, this time to Mary, begins its rhythm in Michael’s head as soon as his eyes land on Gerard’s left hand, because his right one grabs the door handle to open Gerard’s way to his bedroom, in the darkness. It’s not over yet… Gerard carries what seems to be a water bottle, made of plastic, but it has no label on it, so maybe it doesn’t contain water at all. Michael shakes his head as his eyes burn from tears, blurring his vision even with his square glasses on; it’s hopelessness and Michael prays again as the basement door closes and he tries to memorize Gerard’s words to him; everything will be alright.

He stays there for some time, still not knowing how to react, but soon his mental prayer ends and he mechanically ascends the stairs to his own bedroom. It’s dark in here too, so he goes to the window and opens the blinds, eyes closed fearing his visions, at the same time as his eyesight needs some natural light from the moon outside. Michael opens his eyes and he sees only the street lamps and the houses, and the almost full moon sharing its brilliant shape with him.

Michael sighs, feeling too empty, and he just moves in his bedroom to kneel by the bed; opening the only drawer on his nightstand, he pulls out the rosary and holds it in his hands, as Gerard occupies his mind again, along with his own confusion, as he talks to God within whispers. Michael feels and knows that he will spend the night awake and praying, and any time he feels sleepy, Michael just gets up and walks around or presses the rosary beads further against his fingers, nearly ripping the skin there. He never stops his prayer until the moment he can’t fight it anymore.

He’s really sleepy at some point, his feelings, thoughts and prayers draining all the energy from him, so he just lets himself fall in bed and, then, asleep as words escape his tongue by themselves.

“Our Father, Who art in heaven; hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread…”

**

“And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. Amen,” they say.

It’s the next Saturday, the day of Michael’s birthday celebration for his twenty years old. The whole family isn’t at work, but they’re not at home either. Frank is there too, because he has slowly made his way into that concept of family, and he’s close to everyone’s heart for the love he feels towards everyone. Michael stares at him and watches Frank’s deep gaze and the dark holes around his eyes, almost taking his life away from him, due to the obvious lack of sleep. Next to him is Nan, almost Frank’s grandmother too, and there are tears in her eyes as she looks around to everyone and spreads her everlasting love to all of them.

Michael can also see his mother and his father, holding hands lovingly, definitely grateful for being together and in between so many people that carry the same blood and genetic cells. There are other family members there, all united in that special day, and Michael receives their caring and encouraging gazes as he stands in front of them.

Awkwardly or not, Gerard is by Michael’s side, his horribly pale skin looks even worse, especially from this angle, and Michael can see once more the sick shape of every single bone on Gerard’s face, like his protruding cheekbones, and on Gerard’s fingers, like his too-much-defined knuckles as his hands lie together. Michael stares at his figure and tries to form a smile, but his mind is too confused and his feelings too messed-up.

Michael has no hurry and he doesn’t want to do this, to say these things, because it’s his twentieth birthday and his brother almost promised him, merely three days ago in that sudden meeting by the stairs, that everything would be alright. However, no matter how much Michael wants that, it isn’t alright; Gerard was wrong. He still is wrong, looking so ill and sounding so silent by Michael’s side, but Michael clears his throat, eyes falling on Frank again and he finally begins his words.

“Gerard knows I love him and I did everything I could to save him. I guess he didn't want to be saved, or didn't think he needed that. But no."

He whimpers and pauses, catching Frank's eyes with his own and sharing that pain, that loneliness left in their hearts. And, then, Nan is there too to catch his gaze and share something, but this time is strength to go on. He just looks forward, to no one at all, as words fall freely from his tongue.

"I never thought You were capable of getting angry for something like this. You made me believe and pray. You saved my mother from asphyxiation, when I was ten, through my prayers; You saved those towns from bugs plagues, when I was fourteen, through my prayers; You saved my grandmother from two serious heart attacks, not so long ago, everything through my prayers. You showed me Your son in visions, and gave me images of myself miraculously walking over never-ending waters, as I sacrificed myself and showed You that I was strong enough to bear that suffering, so that You could focus Your mercy in my best brother and best friend, but no. Just because Gerard didn't believe in you as much as we all do..."

Michael pauses for only two seconds, so that he can get his breath back, because his words almost lead him to forget that he has to breathe to live and talk.

"It's unfair. Just because he didn't believe, you didn't..." He looks at Gerard in the middle of the church, lying down with his eyes closed, but now Michael knows it isn't from passing out. He sniffs. "Not fair and, well, that's not forgiving. He was trying to believe in You, trying to dig himself out of the hole You allowed him to sink in, and I fought by his side, even if he didn't properly know about it or didn't ask for it.

"Do You think I tried to take Your place? Is that why You got so angry and took him away from me, away from us, away from FRANK? I only asked for Your help and Your endless mercy, because my brother was sick, and I did what you taught me through the years and through my prayers. Now look!"

Michael takes a long pause and sees that nearly everyone is silently crying. His mother is looking down and shaking her head heavily. His father is looking at him with teary eyes, piercing them right into Michael's soul. Nan is just letting her tears fall. And Frank is... not there; he just stares at the coffin and seems unfocused. Everyone else is listening.

Michael sighs. "I hope Gerard meets You in peace."

Michael takes a final glance at the small crowd in front of him and he can almost swear that Father Doyen is looking directly at him from somewhere he can't exactly identify. Then, he turns around and stares at his brother in his black clothes, his pale skin contrasting to everything around him except for his awful bones. Michael lets tears fall down from the confusion he feels inside, not daring to look away from his brother's dead face as he walks closer to the coffin, in the middle of the church where they are. He doesn't look elsewhere, especially not up because there will be God there, staring back at him and trying to tell him that it had to be like this, but Michael can't stand that right now; he won't be able to contain his belief in his heart and mind anymore. Gerard left him and took Michael's faith with him.

As Michael gets to the coffin, he touches Gerard's hair softly as he hears a cry that sounds like Frank, but only too sad to be truly his, and he leans down to place a kiss in Gerard's cold temple and to whisper, "I'll see you later, Gee."

The End