Forever or Never

It was a rainy day in Chicago. I set at my cubicle, wanted time to go faster. Sure, no one likes a dead-end job, no one likes a life you can't get out of.

I stared at the computer screen in front of me, clicking and writing and doing things they told me to do. Anything to get out of that little space. Anything to make time go faster.

When the shift was over I filed out of the building with the rest. It all seemed like we were running to get out. I made small talk with friends, telling them we should get together, but not really meaning it.

I drove home in the same familiar car facing the same familiar traffic. Feeling stuffy, I unbuttoned my shirt.

God it was raining hard. I know you should be careful in the rain, but I wasn't. I sped home. Do I have a deathwish? Maybe. Just anything to get me away from the same boring life.

I went up to my apartment, which was on the seventh floor. I unlocked the door, frowning to myself as I heard the Thompson's yelling at each from across the hall. I checked my watch. Four o'clock. Those old crazies had a fight at four o'clock everyday.

Walking into the small little loft apartment, I frowned. Ava's expression was a mixture of impatience and stress. She gave me a lecture about something; maybe it was about the apartment or maybe it was about her job, I don't remember. All I heard was her nagging and I hated it.

She wasn't the girl I thought I'd married. She had been kind and beautiful and charming. Now she was nagging and unpleasant, which made her seem ugly. I hated myself for ever falling in love with her.

I went to take a shower as she continued to complain about her less-than-perfect life. There, underneath the scolding hot water, I let myself cry. I cried because of regret, of what I could have had in life. But don't feel bad for me. I cry everyday. I suppose you could say I feel sorry for myself.

I got out of the shower and shaved, hoping to nip myself so bad with the razor that I bled to death. But that didn't happen.

I joined Ava in the kitchen to eat a tasteless dinner and listen to her tasteless chatter. When I was done forcing myself to eat, she took my plate away.

"I wish you would look at me," she muttered. "Would it kill you, Dan? To look at me?"

I looked up at her half-heartedly. There were tears in her eyes. She walked over to the sink, her back to me, and kept her mouth shut.

I kind of felt bad for her. I knew I was a terrible husband, yet she didn't give me any reason to be a good one.

That night I got ready for bed, though I wasn't really tired, and walked out into the living room. She was on the couch, cuddled up with a few blankets and watching some sappy romantic movie. You can't always get what you want.

"Are you coming to bed?" I asked, hoping I could make it up to her. Sure, I still loved her even if she was so cold. I knew I was partially to blame for the downhill status of our relationship.

"No," she said weakly. "I'll sleep out here." She wouldn't look at me. She had a reason not to.

I went to our bedroom and crawled into bed. I wasn't tired. I spent so many nights just staring at the cieling. Sleep never came to me. I think God was punishing me.

I turned on my side to look out the window.

I thought of her for just a moment, and regretted it. I knew the memory of her would keep me up all night.

It was a rainy night in Chicago.

=+=

It was a rainy night in Chicago.

I loved the rain; the way it felt, the way it tasted.

I grabbed my camera and opened the balcony door and took a few pictures. I loved how the rain blurried the city lights, especially in photographs. It gave you a new perspective of things.

I came inside and sat silently on the sofa, a bug jar of iced tea in my hand. I took a sip.

There was something on the televsion, but I had it on mute. I wasn't in the mood to watch anything or hear anything. I liked the silence.

Sitting there like that, hearing the only the rain against the balcony door and the cars on the street below, made me think of him. I wondered if he ever thought of me on nights such as this where everything was quiet.

I frowned slightly and put the jar back on the table. I was silly to think that he was thinking of me. He had a wife now, or so I'd heard.

I couldn't help but wonder if he loved her as much as he'd loved me. But thinking like that put me in a terrible mood.

It was a rainy night when we broke up. That's why I think about him when it rains.

We had gone to high school together and only started going out after school was over. I was away at art school here in Chicago and he had a full ride scholarship to Harvard. He had always been amazingly brilliant. But even the most brilliant people can't make it in that career.

Being so far apart was hard on the both of us. He switched to a good business school in Chicago and we spent two of the most amazing years together. It was kind of surreal. Life was so different and positive with him in it.

We both knew we'd be together forever but I suppose we were both kind of scared of the future. I had never stopped loving him, but it suddenly became awkward. Were we going to get married or what? And then I heard rumor that he was cheating on me, he heard rumor I was cheating on him, and we said goodbye on that rainy night.

We knew the rumors weren't true but I suppose it was just our excuse to get out of commitment. We loved each other almost too much. And we still had careers to focus on. We weren't going to be stuck in a life of the same. We were both too good for that. So we never saw each other again. Being friends would have just been too awkward.

I laid back on the couch, tears burning my eyes, and once again regretted thinking about him. He was just something I could never have.

I got up, went into my room, and changed into the little nightgown he'd gotten me years ago. I stared at myself in the mirror. I was like the ghost of who I used to be. I'd been so quiet and emotionless ever since he'd left.

I could almost imagine his arms around me while wearing the nightgown. I missed the summers we'd spend together. We'd stay up all night and sleep all day. Life was so simple, but yet it was beautiful.

I turned from the mirror and nearly had a heart attack.

"Hello, Genna," he said, a smile playing on his lips.

"Dan.. I.. uh.." I shook my head, looking for words. "What are you doing here?"

"You look beautiful," he said, making my heart jump. He looked so different. Like a ghost of what he used to be...

"How did you get in?" I asked.

"I still have my key..." he replied.

It was silent for a second, but that second was all it took for me to be in his arms. I sobbed and sobbed and from what I heard, he was crying too.

"I'm sorry," he said, looking down at me.

"I'm sorry too," I replied.

We brought our lips together and it was almost like the magic never went away. Our bodies were still inviting to the other's touch and we took advantage of that fact while we could.

An hour later and all the pain was melted away. Tears still gathered in my eyes because of the sadness I'd held in for so long, but he tenderly wiped them away when they fell.

"Do you love her?" was all I said.

He shook his head. "She could never ever replace you."

I just smiled. That was all I could ask for.

"So what do we do now?" he asked.

"Live in the moment," I replied and kissed his chest. "You never know when it can change and everything you've ever lived for goes away."

I was never going to live in the future again.

We still laid awake as the sun rose. And from what I could tell, it was going to be a beautiful morning in Chicago.