I Won't Lie to You

I woke up the next morning with a light sweat from the dream last night. It wasn’t a bad dream per se. But it was about Mom. It was strange because I could see her face so clearly and for once I could remember something about her. Not only that but I’ve never dreamed about her before or anything like that.

And I don’t know why or how, but Nicolas had been in my dream just before he melded into a perfect copy of my own self. But I wanted my copy to disappear and bring Nicolas back.

So I had woken up entirely confused by the entire matter. What was with Nicolas changing into me?
I knew it was irrational, but I made my way over to his bed to see if he was still himself and I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that he was still the same, short, black-haired boy.

Slowly, I reached out a hand towards his head to touch him but I quickly retracted it when I realized what I was doing. Besides that, his eyes slowly opened a few seconds later and I realized I needed a cover-up. “Get up and make me another one of those drinks.” I ordered in a harsh tone, though I instantly regretted it.

“The recipe’s on my desk.” He groaned before rolling over in his sheets.

But I stared at him in a pleading way, and he took that as his cue to retort, “I said make it yourself!” It was a near shriek, but something was holding his voice bad so he didn’t let it escalate into one.

I let my selfish behavior take over, wanting to hear the two words that I was sure he only uttered to me. “I’ll leave you alone if you tell me I’m special. I’ll make it myself every day, even.”

But it didn’t work this time. “Forget it. I’ll just make it. Now move so I can just get dressed.”

I made some strange sound at him as I left him for the bathroom. I sat down on the floor and groaned. I must seem like the biggest dick to him right now. I don’t want that. For whatever reason – I don’t want him to hate me. I didn’t care if people before me hated me, but just not him.

There was some commotion in his room and then muffled dialogue between him and a new voice which I easily recognized as his mother’s.

I threw some cold water on my face; I had a headache again. It made me question what the hell I had been thinking when I took up smoking. I knew it wasn’t a big thing to Nicolas, but him bringing me that nicotine drink for me really made me happy. But I didn’t understand why. Why would it make me so… happy?

I pulled a shirt and pants over my body and headed out into Nicolas’s room; which was also mine, but I was fine with it belonging to him in its entirety.

“Who said I was pouting?” He asked as I crossed the threshold into the room. I had no idea what they were talking about, but Nicolas was pouting.Very cutely I might add.

“I’m pretty sure you were pouting.” I told him the truth, grinning at him. I was just trying to be playful but he rolled his eyes at me and then walked away from his mom.

I made my way to follow him until his mom spoke to me. “Listen, I know he’s being a bit rude, but he’s just really shy. Go easy on him, okay?”

“No, I’m the one being rude.” I told her.

She made a strange face at me as I bounded down stairs just after Nicolas.

“Hey! You guys hungry?” My twin asked us from the stove. I guess cooking’s helped her take her mind off of Dad leaving us. But even if she didn’t have cooking, she’d still be bright and cheery just to cover up her despair.

“O-oh. Um… no, I’m good.” He said shakily and instantly, I was worried about him. Why wouldn’t he eat?
Thinking that, I made my mind up to convince him that food was good for you.

But the sentence-making process didn’t go too well. The nicotine withdrawal irritability made me utter words I really shouldn’t have said. Especially if I wanted to get him to listen to me. “Make him something to eat or else he’ll be hungry and I don’t wanna hear him bitch.”

“I said I didn’t want anything!” He retorted.His angry was adorable. Like I said – I don’t give a damn about the gay thoughts I was having because, well, they felt so right.

“Aww… Nicolas, you’re so cute when you’re angry!” Mina vocalized my thoughts. I supposed it was only normal when she (a girl) said something like that to him.

“Jesus Mina, save it for your internet boyfriend.” I told her, holding back a laugh. She didn’t care if people knew about her boyfriend.

We’d grown up with Michael since we were in the first grade and in middle school there was an accidental kiss between them and, well, things took off from there.

She laughed and admitted to it.

“How is Mikey doing anyways?” I asked as I grabbed her food and shoveled it into my mouth.

She told me something that he’d told her over instant messaging and proceeded to ask Nicolas, “What about you, Nicolas? You have a girlfriend?”

I froze. Of course, it was normal for boys to like girls.

But I relaxed as his cheeks dusted with blush and he shook his head. “Aww… what a shame.” Mina said half-heartedly.

No way. She couldn’t have known about what I was thinking of Nicolas. Fuck. I hate being a twin.
But I decided to make it apparent to her as I leaned over to whisper a demand into her ear. “Look after him for me.” I said in an earnest tone before pulling away to watch her nod and smile at me. I gave her a ‘thank-you’ look. Then I realized that it probably hadn’t gotten through to her.

Mina had kept to her promise and kept an eye on him for me all throughout school.

Nicolas and I only shared one class, which Mina was also in. She was muttering something to him and I silently wished that he and I could actually share a conversation that didn’t become so easily volatile and hostile.

But my attention caught when Mina brought up ‘forging a new identity’ to him. She must not have remembered that I was in the back of the room listening in. She knew how I’d had problems with my own personality and identity since Mom died.

And then when Nicolas said, “I’d rather be myself.” I lost it. I had to get out of that room. Oxygen was suffocating me and I couldn’t focus. I clattered over the desks in order to get out of the room, telling the teacher I thought I was going to be sick and ran out the door.

It wasn’t Nicolas’s fault; I refused to blame anything on him. My fucked up life wasn’t part of any of his problems.

In the bathroom, I splashed my face with cold water, trying to force myself to get a grip on reality. I looked at myself in the mirror. A few wet strands of my dyed black hair hung in my face as always, halfway covering the top of my intense hazel eyes that burned of hatred.

I really suck, don’t I? Not only am I nicotine deprived, but I’m also a mental case. Of course Nicolas would never want me; not even if he was into guys. Not saying that I was, personally, it was only Nicolas that had piqued my interest. It was only him that I was even remotely interested in. Everyone else can go fuck themselves.

As normal, I hid in the library, taking on mounds of AP class work as well as regular classes. Usually I questioned why I’d even considered taking all this heavy coursework. But I knew it had something to do with what Mom said; Mina told me so. Mom had wanted me to be a good student a smart kid so that I could go to a good college and hold down a good job and raise a good family.Of course I might not have a family if I’m with Nicolas. Not that there was any way he’d ever want to be with me.

Even knowing that, I still wanted him, I wasn’t going to deny that. But there was no way I was going to tell him that; it’d only burden him.

Because that’s all I ever was, and all I ever could be was a burden; no good to anyone and useless in most situations.