I Won't Lie to You

I knew that I was a despicable person for forcing Nicolas to do those things against his will. Deep down, I wanted him to want it. But more of me just wanted to keep him close, no matter how detestable the method was.

I wanted to hit myself repeatedly or bang my head against a wall as punishment. I felt horrible about doing this to Nicolas. Why did I have to be so messed up? Why couldn’t I just be honest with him and myself and just tell him everything instead of hiding it under impulsive actions. My chest even hurt a little.

I was up much before Nicolas and Mina because of another headache. The cravings for a cigarette pulled at me. I needed one of those drinks but I didn’t want to wake Nicolas up.

Instead, I took a nice, long, hot shower. Those were always quite calming.

Still, the guilt of making him do things he didn’t like, hung on me. But I was still so incredibly happy about kissing him. And I shouldn’t have been. I wanted so badly for there to be something between us. Perhaps what I was hoping for was there to be a spark for him in that kiss. That maybe he’d feel at least one-tenth of what I felt when I kissed him. I was sure that wasn’t the case.

I went down the stairs after my shower to get some cereal, already dressed for school. “Thanks for taking up all the hot water, jerk!” Mina shouted at me accusingly.

“It’s not that I used up a lot, you just wanted more than you needed,” I stated blandly. I wasn’t too interested in fighting with my sister, even if we were just playing. Perhaps it was some kind of mental exhaustion. I couldn’t stay home though, I needed to focus on my schoolwork. It would make me feel better and would take my mind off of things.

However, it didn’t stop me from wondering where Nicolas was. Perhaps I should have woken him up.

She huffed and then chuckled. “Aww… you know I love you, shnookums!”

“I not even going to acknowledge that as an affectionate term,” I told her.

“Hey, guys, Nicolas said he wasn’t feeling well, so are you ready to go?” Nicolas’s mom asked us as she dug in her purse for her keys.

“Yeah, sure,” Mina said before following her out the door.

Biting my lip, I said, “Give me a second.”

I knew this was a detrimental relationship, but I couldn’t stop myself. I headed up the stairs and into our room.

I saw him staring out the window. Probably watching for when we left; when I left. I ignored the way that statement caused my chest to tighten up and before saying, “I heard you were staying home today.”

He jumped, noticeably so, before turning slowly to face me. Like he was scared of me.

I wanted to say something nice, something that could possibly help him forgive me, but instead, all that really came out was, “You’re gonna have to give me something so I don’t get nicotine deprived at school.”

I should slap myself for saying that. Why am I such an idiot? But the thought of another kiss with him propelled me towards him. I stepped slowly though, because I knew that he was expecting it, so he was probably a bit scared. Or maybe disgusted.

I leaned in quickly and pressed my lips to his. It stirred up the same spark or whatever it was as the last time I had kissed him. I never wanted it to go away. I never wanted to stop kissing his soft lips, holding his silky hair between my fingers, feeling his velvety skin. I pressed harder to his lips this time as opposed to last time. I tried to be gentle, though, because he was precious, to be treated carefully.

He didn’t do anything though. No reaction, no meeting me halfway. It wasn’t like I expected it but… Oh, how I wish he had.

Though, I also noticed how his lips were exactly the same temperature as mine. He wasn’t quite sick. He was probably just staying home to avoid me. I ignored another pang of hurt as that thought.

He pushed me away, hands on my chest. “S-stop! I-I… Th-that’s-” he stuttered.

His face was so red, it was adorable. I was happy to know that I had made him blush like that. It shouldn’t have been a big deal to me though.

“You’re not running a fever,” I told him, keeping my voice a whisper.

“Th-that’s not the problem!” He squeaked. He wiped his mouth off with his arm. “Y-you kissed me! Again!”

Something else gripped me, like I was its puppet and cold words I didn’t mean to say came out, “And?” It was like I was unaffected. That’s what it probably seemed like to him. Perhaps it was “another me” that was always threatening to come out and exposed itself as the me who always took what he wanted, said what he wanted no matter what the cost. Perhaps I was trying to make an excuse.

“We-we’re both guys! H-how c-can you say that’s r-right?”

So that’s how he felt about it. I never cared that he was another guy. I just cared that he was nice, and he was funny, and he had so much patience and time for me. And I fucked it all up.

Then his mom called for me so, without a word, I left.

*~*~*~*

In school, I turned into a robot, keeping all of the feelings and thoughts out of my head while I did all of my work. I didn’t have to hate myself for the mistakes I’d made with Nicolas.

But, as soon as I was back home, I went up to our room. Nicolas was under his covers, so I assumed he was sleeping. I called out his name softly.

I couldn’t stop myself as he looked at me with sleepy-looking eyes. I leaned over him before pressing my lips gently to his forehead, smiling into it. But it quickly vanished as I realized that this was basically a trick of my min, trying to convince me that we were really a couple or that he at least cared about me one iota of what I cared for him.

But I wanted to continue the illusion. “I missed you,” I whispered. I kind of prayed that maybe I didn’t even say that or that he didn’t hear that.

He screwed up his face, perhaps in disgust. I couldn’t blame him; I was being really weird right now.

“Yeah, I bet you missed having your toy around. Can’t you find someone else to fuck around with?!”

Before I could even feel bad about what he’d said, the words ripped out of my throat. “Maybe I don’t wanna fuck around with someone else!”

He grit his teeth. “What the fuck are you? Bipolar?”

Oh, God, what if I was? What if I seriously had another part of me that was controlling me like a puppet? I felt my expression drop, soften. “I-I don’t know,” I stuttered. I’m even confused about how I feel about Nicolas and I’ve screwed everything up between us so badly already. I know I want to be with him, but I don’t want to make him do things he doesn’t But yet I do anyways. Perhaps I was bipolar. “I just might be.”

But then I left, I felt like I was about to cry. I didn’t know what to do anymore if I couldn’t keep this… “other me” from busting out all the time.