I Won't Lie to You

I wanted so much to say things to Nicolas that would make him feel important and needed. But instead, everything I try to say to reiterate that I care backfires. He thought they were insults, that I was making fun of him. I wanted him to see that I really… liked him. Or maybe I didn’t want him to know. I don’t think I wanted to be rejected, officially, that is. I can see how he rejects me with his eyes and body and words. The only reason I think that I might even have a chance with him is because he lets me kiss him. If he really, truly hated me, he’d do something, I know he would.

So here I cling desperately to the tiny hope that maybe he’d even give me a chance, even though there was hardly a chance to be had. At least I had more of a chance than Cody did. That much I knew.

*~*~*~*

“Hey, Nicolas, how are-” It seemed like the moment he walked down the hallway, Cody was already all over Nicolas. I couldn’t stand it. It felt like I needed to protect him from Cody. And I would. I wanted to be the one Nicolas called on when he needed help or wanted to escape from someone or something. I wanted to be important to him and if fending off Cody was the way to get there, then I would.

I stepped between he and Nicolas. Nicolas looked a little shocked. He shouldn’t have been since I keep an eye on him at school because of Cody. “What the fuck did I tell you!?” I snarled at the now frightened boy.

He didn’t move, and if I was lucky, he wasn’t even breathing. I knew I could strike terror into him if I was angry enough. “Well?” I growled, getting even angrier. I let out a frustrated sigh before saying, “I told you to stay the fuck away from him.” I almost scared myself with how calm that statement was, even though I could feel the rage building up.

“Zero…?” I heard my twin’s voice in the hallway. “Zero!”

Unfortunately, she had to be the voice of reason. She had to be the one to stop me from beating this kid’s face in, which he deserved.

Mina told me to calm down as she placed a hand on my shoulder. “I thought you talked to him!”

She turned to Cody and shot him a look before saying, “I thought I did too.”

She pulled Cody from Nicolas, thankfully, even though they weren’t that close. I saw Nicolas relax now that they were further apart. “I told you – you have to leave Nicolas alone. He doesn’t like you like that.”

But I had to go further and say what Nicolas wouldn’t. “You’re kidding right?! Nicolas doesn’t like him at all!”

I looked back at Nicolas, I wanted to see his reaction to how fervently I was trying to protect him. He was blushing, quite madly, at the scene I was making. But no one stopped me. Perhaps fear kept them where they were.

Mina sighed exasperatedly before rubbing the bridge of nose. “Zero…. You’re not help. Just… go to your next class or something,” she told me with a look that screamed, or else I will fucking kill you. Then she turned to Nicolas, giving him a quick, sympathetic smile and said, “You go too, Nicolas.”

As I walked by Nicolas, I whispered, “Go straight to the library during lunch.”

I just didn’t want him possibly seeing Cody during lunch where students get to walk around freely. I wanted to protect him and this was really the only way I knew how. And that was to keep him near me.

*~*~*~*~*

I kept focused on the books in front of me. I didn’t know when Nicolas was going to be here so I needed to finish up getting my notes for the report I had to do in English.

Then I heard the doors open. I wrote down the last sentence I needed before looking up at Nicolas. I motioned for him to come sit next to me.

I took down a few more dates and then closed the book, satisfied with my notes. Without looking at him while he sat down, I turned to fetch a cinnamon bun I’d stowed away this morning. I felt bad for making him skip lunch. But I wanted to keep him safe.

I handed him the bun and said, “Eat it.”

He looked at it like it was alien by-product before taking a bite.

“I don’t want that Cody kid hanging around you anymore,” I told him, making my voice soft.

“Either do I,” he agreed, chuckling a bit. Then he looked down a bit before whispering, “Um… th-thanks… for earlier.”

I was incredibly grateful to hear that from him. I just needed to know that I was doing what he wanted me to do. That maybe I really could protect him. So I indulged a little and said what I wanted. “That asshole should mind his own fucking business. I’m sick of him clinging around you.” I growled it, unknowingly.

“God, I wish I was still smoking,” I said quietly, more to myself than to Nicolas. I didn’t want to push my problems on him anymore. I just wanted to take care of his, even though I was sure he had to hate me by now.

“Wh-why are y-you quitting a-anyways?” See? He can barely formulate an entire sentence around me. He’s nervous because he’s scared, right? Because he can’t possibly like me. Ever. Not with this mangled way of thinking I have or this messed up psyche. I’m just an annoyance to him.

“My dad wanted me to,” I said simply. But, maybe I should just let him on to a little more truth. “He said that the old Zero would never have done that.”

He looked at me, puzzled. “Huh?”

I immediately regretted saying anything. I didn’t even realize it would take more explanation or that he would want to know more. It made me happy that he wanted to know more, but I didn’t want to drag him into anything like that.

“No, it’s nothing,” I lied. “I just really need some nicotine right now.”

I felt like kissing him, taking everything I wanted before he really, truly hated me. I looked around the library, seeing if anyone was around. However, they were all at lunch by now.

“Why do you hate me?“ I thought I was at least entitled to know why.

“I-I don’t…,” he mumbled. I was shocked, to say the least. How could he not hate me? I’ve done so much to him that would make anyone hate me. He must have been lying.

“Whenever you’re near me, you freeze up and your face says you’re terrified,” I reminded him in a small voice.

“Yeah, because I think you’re going to kiss me! A-and I’m a guy and y-you’re a guy,” he stuttered quietly, yet harshly.

I grit my teeth. So that was what stood between us. Gender. I liked him no matter what he was, girl or boy. That statement made the larger part of me angry, though and I felt like saying something sarcastic.

“But it keeps me from wanting cigarettes. I thought that was good,” I said, trying to keep the smugness out of my voice.

“But why does it? Why me? Do you have the slightest idea of how it’s been for me since… since…” He said quickly, without stuttering, his face ablaze with blush.

I just looked at him, maybe a bit sadly, before saying, “I don’t know.” I didn’t know why I chose him. Then again, I suppose you don’t exactly “choose” who you like. You just do. And I just liked him.

“No, I want an answer,” he practically shouted. I wonder if I’ve ever seen him really get this angry. How did he still look so adorable with his face scrunched up like that?

I needed an answer, though. I knew the one I was about to give was really only true to me. He probably wouldn’t see it the same way. “You attempt to get close to me. You try harder than these… people to know me.”

I pretended to rub my eyes so he wouldn’t see the regret in my eyes. “I something like that. I need a cigarette.”

I felt like this would all end if I didn’t do something right now. I just wanted one last thing from him. Just one more kiss before he hates me. I hastily looked around for anyone nearby.

I just wanted to feel his lips against mine again. So I leaned in, carefully, softly and gently. His lips were quite soft and warm. But I just held the kiss there, not wanting to move my lips from his unresponsive ones. I wish he would respond, just once. But I know he won’t. It wasn’t like he wanted to kiss me, so it was fine. This was all I could really ask for. I kept my lips on his for a few moments longer, keeping the kiss intact.

And only when I felt satisfied, I pulled away. What if this was the last one I ever get?

Either way, I played it off as normal and asked him to help me put up the books I’d gotten out. But the blush on his face was so adorable. I wanted to make him blush; rile him up like that as much as possible. But I’m already despicable enough, so I won’t.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Cody’s lurking form walking into the library. Quickly, I jerked Nicolas into my body and wrapped my arms around him and pulling my coat over his form to conceal him from Cody’s vision.

I just want to protect you.