Old Habits Die Hard.

I’ve always hated my dad. Always have, always will. Says I’m useless he does. A good for nothing bastard, who’s going to fuck up my education and waste my life. I got into college didn’t I? True I don’t turn up half the time, and when I do I’m so hung over from the night before I spend most of the day catching up on sleep, but I still managed to get in. I’m just a failure in his eyes no matter what I do.

I’d give anything to change the way I am. To be good at something for once. But what’s the point when everything else I’ve ever attempted has just ended in a bucket load of disappointment. Why should I bother trying when I know it’s not going to work out? Even if it did, my dad would find some fault.

Then there’s everyone else to deal with. Freddie. Fun sponge Freddie. Gets all he’s ever wanted in life. Anywhere he is he’s always the centre of attention. He gets all the girls. Except one. The only one he truly wants. Effy. The beautiful, mysterious Effy. Neither of us knows who she really wants. I don’t think she does either to be fair. But one thing’s for certain, I can’t let Freddie win her over. This one is mine. If I only ever succeed at one thing in life, it’d be to be able to call Effy mine. She may think I’m just another guy wanting to get in her knickers, and I’ll be honest, that’s one of my intentions. But it’s more than that. I’ve never felt like this about any other girl before. I want to make her happy. I want to get rid of that uncertainty and pain hidden behind her eyes. I want to be the one she comes to with her problems, who kisses her better when she’s upset. I want to be hers. But I can’t bring myself to let her know how I feel. I can’t let myself become vulnerable. Offering my heart to someone who has the ability to crush it, is like giving someone a gun and trusting them not to shoot me.

I can’t let any of them know how I really feel. Not Effy, not JJ, not even Freddie. They’ll just take the piss. I’m Cook. Always up for a quick shag and a good party. Getting wasted to block out reality. Tough guy Cook; respected and never rejected. This is the fucking life eh?

I wish I could change. I wish I didn’t drown my sorrows in tequila every Friday night. Or smoke myself stupid at the weekend to take my mind off the constant insecurities. But I can’t. I’m Cook and this is the way I am.

I guess old habits die hard eh?