Save Tonight

Is it weird that I enjoyed being mad at her? Even though I knew that I needed space, I kind of liked the fact that she would not give it to me. Maybe it’s weird, but knowing that she still wanted to make things work made me feel better about myself. Now she doesn’t really care anymore. And she’s got that guy; I don’t like him at all. Something about him just doesn’t seem right.

Why is it that every time I wanted things to go smoothly, they turn out to be a disaster? Or that every time I think things are getting better, they plummet downward once again? My family was becoming the scandal of the tabloids once again-things had been dying down. Not only was my dad still a ‘person of interest,’ but there was also a prostitute that blamed my dad for getting her pregnant and then making her abort the baby. Great.

I knew that my dad wouldn’t do that. I could see him being a part of the prostitution ring, but never to have her abort a baby. Plus, I don’t want to sound like a horrible person, but if she’s a prostitute, shouldn’t she be on birth control or something? She’s sleeping with tons of guys anyway, so how would she know if it was my dad’s baby?

Of course I would stand up for my dad, even when the accusations seem pretty absolute. He would always be my father, even if he did some bad and shady stuff. My mom was trying to cope with it, but I knew that it was hard for her and I didn’t blame her for that. I would be really upset if my husband was being accused for something like that.

Emery was still sticking by me and I really did not know why. I expected Nathanial to stay simply because he was a part of the society and would be part of it anyway, but Emery didn’t need any of it. He could have been somewhere else with someone who was far less drama that I could ever hope to have associated with my name. There was something that kept him next to me though and I could not figure out what he saw.

During school, I was the loner again and it was actually a welcomed change. I will admit that I enjoyed having Hayden there to talk to for that half of a year, but being the way I always was made things easier actually. I didn’t have to deal with trying to make someone happy while at school so I could save that for society.

Was it selfish of me to stop trying to make things better with Hayden? He had some friends at school that he talked to, so I didn’t really think he needed me anymore. Besides, if he wanted space, I would give it to him so that he could find that girl he really needed to love. I hadn’t seen the girl he was with at the coffee shop for a while so I guessed that they were no longer together.

Was he happy though? He didn’t really look that happy when I saw him. It looked like he was just going through the motions and not really living. Did he have fun when he wasn’t in school or did he sit at home alone? Was his family life any better or did it still make him upset to go home?

I knew things about him that no one else knew because he was comfortable telling me when we were friends. There were secrets in his family that he hated but would not let them get to him. Did they get to him now?

Whatever the reason for his hostilities toward me (yes, I know that I was a big part of it), I decided that the best thing was to stop cold turkey. He didn’t want me? So be it, I would not get in his way anymore. Whether he wanted the attention or not, I would no longer give it to him because he seemed to need space.

“Were you in love with Hayden?” Emery asked one day at the skatepark. It was a very sudden and unexpected question, but I knew he really wanted an answer.

“I really was,” I stated slowly, tasting the words on my tongue. “We rushed into things so fast that I didn’t even realize I was falling until it was too late. I’ve always been kind of scared of love, to be honest, but with Hayden, I couldn’t help it. He was the first boy that saw me and not my position in society.”

“It sounds to me like you loved the idea of him and not actually the boy.” I knew that he wanted me to let it go and be able to love him, but it wasn’t that easy anymore.

“Oh but I did love him, I know it. It started out that I didn’t want to become close to him because I thought I would never be enough, and that ended up being the case. He wanted to love me though and I couldn’t help but fall for him too.”

“Onyx, you were too good for him, not the other way around. He wanted someone simple and he thought that was you but it wasn’t. Do not think you weren’t good enough for him just because he could not handle your life. That’s so stupid.”

“I’m sorry if you think the way I handle my life is stupid Emery, but I’m doing the best I can,” I hissed. There really was no justifiable reason as to why I became so angry with him, but it upset me nonetheless.

“I never said that Onyx. I just think it’s wrong that you blame yourself for what happened between the two of you. It was clearly his fault and that’s all there is to it so you shouldn’t be so bent out of shape.”

He looked so earnest-I didn’t know what to say.

“Why do you understand Emery? How is it that you can handle it when no one else seems to be able to?”

“I know who you are Onyx, you’ve never been fake or dishonest. I know that you can’t help being two people the same way I cannot help being a skateboarder. It’s just who you are and it would be wrong of me to try and change that. Hayden didn’t realize that half the reason you are the way you are is because of Felicity.”

Without knowing quite what to do, I kissed him. He saw me for me. He knew that I needed to be exactly who I was, not half of myself. He knew me better than Hayden.

It was strange to think that anyone besides Anthony or Frankie could know me more than Hayden. He seemed to weasel his way into my life and learned all the secrets, thoughts, and feelings hiding in the nooks and crannies. I guess he didn’t really know as much as we thought.

Frankie was still having trouble with the situation. Her parents didn’t want to talk to her, but they would send her emails that were mean and hurtful. More often than not, I would hear her cry herself to sleep, most likely reading the letters over and over again.

The worst part was that she believed them. All of the horrid things said in those letters were false, but she believed what her parents had to say. She thought she was not good enough. It killed me and I know it killed Matt. He stuck by her side through everything and he seemed to be the greatest boyfriend ever.

If only I could let myself be happy with a boy. Emery would be great, I assume, but I was still holding back. And he knew that I was holding back. He wanted me to dive right in because he said he would catch me. I’ve heard that before though, and I was hesitant to believe.