Save Tonight

Why does God hate me? Stephanie had more than moved on and seemed quite happy without me. I knew that she was too good to be true. Nothing but a first class slut and proud of it. If only she could have been more like- no, there is no way I can even think about that. It was bad enough that I missed her trying to make things better between us. There was no way I would use her for comparisons. That’s just asking for trouble.

As the days went on, I noticed that Hayden was becoming more spiteful toward the world and it made me wonder. He wasn’t just mad at me all the time, he was mad at everyone and everything. Whether it was because his home life was becoming worse than usual or because of the girl that broke his heart after he broke mine, I wasn’t sure. It’s not like he would willingly give me information anymore-we never talked and I was fine with that. Was that his problem? Did he hate everyone because it seemed as though I hated him?

I feel like that is the most selfish thing I could ever think of, but what other alternatives are there? What else would he be so mad about that would justify his hatred? Though I tried not to let it bother me, I wanted to know why he felt it necessary to be mean. He could hate me all he wanted, but I didn’t like that he was pushing everyone else away as well. That didn’t seem fair.

But I wasn’t going to concern myself with his problems. I wasn’t going to be that clingy ex-girlfriend that never went away because she was still in love with him. I didn’t love him and I had moved on, but my heart was still broken. There wasn’t really any way to tell whether or not it would ever be fixed.

I wanted to love Emery so my heart really needed repaired soon.

I noticed though, that Hayden was giving me more glances in the halls and staring at me in class. Most of the time, the looks probably would have killed me if they could but sometimes they looked dejected. Sometimes, the looks seemed to hold longing. Or that’s how it seemed at least.

Mr. Haner noticed the looks too. He told me in study hall one day that he thought Hayden wanted me back. I laughed, thinking he was kidding, but he didn’t join in. He was crazy, I told him, but he stuck to his opinion. Hayden regrets not sticking around to help me through things, he said, and he wanted another shot.

He wasn’t going to get another shot though. I had a boyfriend, and he was amazing. Maybe I didn’t love him yet, but I was more likely to fall in love with him than fall back in love with Hayden. I was never going down that road again. It ends badly.

Nathanial told me that I should start taking Emery to functions. He was over being overprotective and was beginning to like Emery. I wasn’t sure he would enjoy the functions though, so I decided to hold off on that. I was content going with Nathanial and he was always willing to be my date. Emery didn’t seem to mind.

Was it selfish to not want to take Emery? I wanted to keep him closed off from society and the sharks that would eat him alive. He was much too innocent for that lifestyle and I wanted to protect him, even though I would never say that to him. I found myself always wondering if the things I did were selfish. Was this selfish or would I seem conceited if I acted this way?

I desperately wanted to be anything but selfish.

Easter was coming up and I had some mixed feelings. I usually loved Easter because my whole family got together at my Nana’s house and it was all cozy and family oriented. There was no huge house involved, only our entire family crowded into her one floor house celebrating with the people we love.

There weren’t exactly happy feeling going around my extended family though. Since Frankie’s parents weren’t really speaking to her, they probably wouldn’t show up, my aunt Jenny and uncle Tim, Anthony and Hayley’s parents, still weren’t speaking from the Christmas Eve disaster, and then there was the whole ordeal with my parents.

So, needless to say, we were not exactly the perfect family. Not that any family is really perfect, but we were so close for a while and now it seemed like everything was falling out of control. Emery was going to come with me, since no one knew him yet and everyone needed to meet him. Anthony had, but none of my other cousins had and I was assured that they were going to be even harder on him than they were on Hayden.

Apparently, if one more boy broke my heart, they were making me become a nun. Yeah, they didn’t like guys hanging around me at all. I didn’t really appreciate them when they acted like that.

I guess that’s not fair to say though, because they were just looking out for me and wanted to protect me. They wanted to know that I was safe and I did appreciate that, I truly did. What I didn’t appreciate was the fact that they seemed to want to sabotage my relationship with Emery because of what Hayden did. I was able to protect myself, they needed to give me some credit at least. Whether I was heartbroken or not, I was able to handle my relationships without their help.

Spring break was a needed change from school and I was very excited to be off. Though I did not attempt to speak to Hayden anymore, I found it hard to ignore him when he was constantly bumping into me and sending me glances across the room. Now I know that running into people is usually an accident, but when he took such extreme measures to stay clear of me, I figured running into me was anything but an accident.

And the glances had me reeling with questions that I wasn’t sure would ever be answered. He looked mad a quarter of the time, vengeful another quarter, and then the other half he just looked like a lost puppy who couldn’t find his way home. Was it assuming too much that I was what he longed to have back?

At any rate, I was so glad when the break finally came that I did was looking to embrace my cousins head on and make sure they did not scare Emery away. If they wanted to play hardball, I would show them hardball. There was no way I would let them get the best of me.

Emery could see a new fire in my eyes, he told me the day before we were leaving for my Nana’s house. He said that it looked like I had a new passion and a new outlook on life. He told me it was sexy-the confidence I portrayed without my Felicity face.

I actually blushed.

Maybe I didn’t need all those people to approve to be confident like I thought I did. I was sure that I needed Felicity to be confident in myself but Emery was convinced I didn’t. And he was right. I was better off knowing that there were people who accepted me for who I truly was, Felicity was just another facet.