Shine

The night will always hold a special place in my heart. For me, it’s a magical period when all things – good or bad – may actually have a chance to happen in the phase of the dark night with only the moon and the stars as my witness. It’s the time when I can unleash the true sorrows of my friction, and only to be smiled upon by the various twinkles above as the silence deepens for others entering their temporary slumber till the morning comes.

“Eve,” My Mom ever-so quietly murmured, inching hesitantly out of the door. It was already 11:45 PM. Her flight was at 12:30. I looked from her side and saw the taxi driver as he waited impatiently, looking at his wristwatch from time to time, holding the passenger door open as he was awaiting her entrance. “Will you be okay?” She asked for the hundredth time, as if by default, this was the only question that she could ask without feeling a slight hesitation for her departure.

I stood-up from the couch on a whim, following her footing to the door. “Mom, I’ll be alright.” I said with a complete sense of confidence. It was only then that I realized that reassuring her would be a must. “You know that I’ll always be.”

My Mom walked over and gave me a light kiss on the cheek along with a warm hug. Since our Dad left us back in ’05, I wonder, when was the last time she actually took the time to spend some activities for herself? It was crazy how she would work two jobs in a day just to earn some extra money for my future when Dad has already kept on giving me enough financial support for a lifetime.

And I didn’t even realize how much I added to her problems.

She looked back at me, wiping eyeliner smudges she thought she had; her eyes were slightly tearing-up. “Mom, you take care.” I added in a smile. “I’ll be fine. Trust me.” I said once more, holding the door, playing with it going back and forth. Signaling that I was ready for her to leave, that she didn’t need to worry about and to just go and have fun.

Mom nodded back before proceeding to pulling her luggage towards the chafing taxi driver in a mugged outfit. I thought that Cab drivers had uniforms. “I’ll see you in a couple of weeks, Eve!” She said, waving uncertainly, before entering the cab with an adventure awaiting her at another space somewhere else in the world – completely far away from here.

Somewhere far away from me and my issues.

***

“Good evening, m’dear Eve!” Dexter highly greeted as he pulled himself up on the terrace bars that connected not only our houses but us together. He sat down, adjusting the WWE cap on his head. I saw that he was once again wearing his favorite statement shirt that screamed in bold neon letters: BOO! HOW ARE YOU?

I nodded solemnly. “Dex,” I asked him. Even though these daily stargazing sessions were already a part of my childhood to this day, I really just wanted to be alone with the stars at this particular moment. “How’d you know I was here?” I pretended to be surprised.

“Don’t underestimate me!” Dexter said, pointing his finger at me. “I woke-up from a good dream just to hang out with you. Bestfriends ‘till the end, remember?” Dexter pulled me up to the terrace bar along with him. He looked at the sky vividly, taking in the wonderful array of stars scattered everywhere. “I really think we’re going to be friends forever.” He nudged at my shoulders, giving me his usual wink of reassurance.

Yes, I remember – Best of friends to the bitter end.

I nodded once more, leaning my head on his strong shoulders. In school, Dexter is known as one of the popular kids. Despite the fact that he considers himself to be a nerd – just like me – Dexter often joins other sports and extra-curricular activities. I guess that’s why he’s so popular with the girls in school. He’s a package all-in-one.

Then again, this guy also has the unfortunate job as my full-time job bestfriend.

“I think I’ve got a bit of the blues.” I murmured precisely, making sure that I won’t add anymore meaning to the sentence. Dexter is good at analyzing people. He’d know that you were crying all night even if your tears have dried and your eyes well from crying. “Maybe I’m about to get my period.”

“No kiddin’!” He told me, a sheepish smile on his face. Dexter was totally comfortable with me talking to him about other womanly things like tampons and first crushes. I guess that’s what I really liked about him the first I met him a decade ago. “Y’know, just the other day, I was walking along High Street then slipped ‘an fell on my head.”

Same old, Dexter.

“Yeah,” I said as I stared on the glowing moon against the dark sky. “And sometimes, I wish I didn’t have to deal with anything anymore.” The words that came from my mouth fell short. Remembering my struggles in the past few months still felt so near. I closed my eyes, tracing the jagged scars across my wrist.

They were still here.

They lingered too close.

“Don’t.” Dexter said as he gripped tightly on my hands. The heat coming from his palm became almost relaxing against the cold December weather. “You’re not your problems. And you never will be, okay?” He asked me with conviction.

Yes, I’m not.

I’m not exactly sure.

***

When I was young, I enjoyed waking up to the morning sunshine. I would wake-up as early as 7 in the morning to see the morning shine sparkling from the sky, brightening up the world with its energy. This explains the reason why Dexter and I became so close. He would just climb to my veranda and knock on my windows. Then we’d watch the sunrise together.

It was always this easy.

“Eve!” Dexter called out as he knocked on my window. “Eveeeeee!”

I rolled almost instantaneously down my bed with all my sheets and pillows in shock. Oh, man. What a fall that was. I think I flattened my chest even worse – as if I had any in the first place. “Wait a sec.” I said, fighting the sleepiness in my voice as I stood-up. “Dude, why so early?” My voice sounded pale as I asked him whilst opening the window.

Dexter gave out one of his ‘Fuck-did-you-forget?’ faces. He often wore it during the days when he wanted me to be somewhere and when all of a sudden I forget. Did I forget anything important? I don’t remember.

“Don’t ‘dude’ me!” He sneered jokingly. “It’s Christmas Eve!”

So it was, was it – already, huh?

“Well, anyway.” Dexter said as he patted me on my shoulder, trying to give off the usual Christmas vibe. “Mom said you absolutely have to stay with us through Christmas.” He announced, smiling. “Won’t that be fun?” It seems that he was really pumped up with his usual smile. One can already tell that he was perfect for to become a clown.

Yeah, Dexter, that would’ve been really be fun. In fact, it’s a nice idea – if only I wasn’t sixteen and didn’t have history of slitting my wrists and the due of going to a weekly therapist. “That sounds great.” I tried.

“Mom and I would love to have you.” He snagged my hand, trying to assure me that everything was alright. That everything could go back to the way they used to be – if only I allowed it to. If only. “C’mon Eve, go with us.”

I nodded. “I’ll be there.”

Dexter smiled, walking towards to his side of the veranda. “I’ll see you in a bit.” He said. “Hurry, okay?”

You know I’ll always be where you are.

***

It wasn’t long before my already-not-so-perfect-life became an even imperfect life amidst the whirlwind of trials and other insecurities. I had to indulge in different substances – some legal with sides of banned drugs at the eyes of the police.

Everything started at the latter portion of my sophomore year. I met Rosa at a local charity event as I was waiting for Dexter and Marie to arrive. When I met her, she was stacking some old books at her counter. I introduced myself and found her truly perfect as she was calm and cheerful. It wasn’t long before I began to love her. Not love as inlove but it came pretty close, I suppose. Whenever Dexter wasn’t present, she always was – at least before.

But now that I wanted her to disappear, Rosa was always near.

“Just try it.”

“Come on, Eve. Don’t be such a wuss.”

“It’ll make you happy.”

“Go,”

When my Mom discovered that I was doing drugs, I was sent almost instantaneously to the rehab. Dexter tried to defend me. He told Mom that I was alright, that he’d help me get better. But she didn’t buy it. So I was sent off to the Collins Teen Medical Rehab Center off downtown. I had to stay there for 6 months – longing and weeping at each and every day, hoping that I could finally get out of the mess I got myself into.

And of course I didn’t tell anyone about Rosa.

My cutting obsession began right after I got back home. At that time, Mom’s continued patronage for her present boyfriend got way out of hand. He would come home and simply beat her up. That – really – was all there was to it. Really. Mom didn’t care about herself. All she wanted was that for me to have a father.

She didn’t even think about who it was.

***

Once again, it snowed. I wasn’t expecting such a blessing, but everyone knew how much I loved it. It was magical, beautiful and downright pure as it would lay on the pavement. Dexter’s house ran on a good thermostat, therefore it didn’t even feel twice as cold as it was here on the veranda. I looked at the side and saw how my house was both locked and empty. The only thing that was different in this array of colorfully decorated houses.
I sighed.

Christmas lights were beaming from every house, catching my eyes with sparkling heat. Jolly spirit was alive, fluttering abound everyone’s hearts – even mine. “Having fun?” Dexter asked as he popped out from the side. His hair was tucked into a bonnet as he wore matching mittens that were in a baby blue color. This color would only look good on him. “I knew you’d be here.”

“Dex,” I said in surprise. “Yeah, I suppose.” I turned back to the beautiful view of the street. People were alive, each corner had someone smiling. From there, I could see Marie listening to a bunch of carolers. Their voices almost put me to sleep, soothing the deepest corners of my heart. Christmas really is one of the best holidays.

“Look over there.” Dexter walked beside me. “Aren’t they sweet?”

Dexter pointed at Julia and Rowan as they treaded the street in their matching outfit. They were holding hands, swaying them against the cold December weather. The four of us have known them forever. Good kids. They’ve been together ever since I knew they existed. “Sure.” I said, trying to hide the envy from my voice. I revolved my eyes back at the two as they sat by the bench, exchanging gifts.

“Y’know what, Eve,” Dexter stood by me. “You haven’t changed one bit.”

I faced him. “Is that a good thing?”

“Well,” He said, frost coming out from his mouth. It was beginning to become really cold. “It is, for me.”

I smiled. “You, too,”

And I hope you never will.

***

After dinner, I thanked both Marie and Dexter for their hospitality. Marie cooked her famous Roast Chicken and mushroom gravy paired off with scrumptious mashed potatoes. I think I pigged out a lot because I haven’t eaten this much since who-knows-when. I then excused myself to the guest room and laid there in silence.

The guest room used to be my room when I was young. Whenever my Mom and Dad would fight, or even about to begin, Mom would bring me here to Dexter’s house to play for a while. Of course I bought it when I was young. What child wouldn’t want to spend some time with her greatest super duper fantastical bestie?

But as I grew-up, I began to realize that these play trips weren’t about ‘playing’ after all. When Marie and Dexter would bring me back home after that night, there was always an organized chaos that reeked through every corner of the room.

I tried to fall asleep.

I tried.

I tried.

I did.

“Eve?”

Almost.

Dexter was peering on my window, tapping the glass annoyingly with his finger. I stood-up from my bed as I tied my hair. “Dex,” I said from behind the window, feeling the exhaustion on my voice. “I’m tired.”

He frowned. “Come on, Eve.” Dexter started opening the window. “Spend the night with me. Mom’s already asleep from watching Christmas specials.”

So I did.

Dexter helped me out as I trudged from the window, skidding past the built up snow on the pane. I never knew that he was this strong to help me out. I guess all his gym workouts ever since I left for rehab has finally taken effect. Now, he was wearing a Spare me the rescue! t-shirt, fitting his body snugly.

For awhile, the two of us just talked about different topics ranging from star signs and nose shapes. It was just like the old times wherein we would just chat and watch out for each other – in our faces plastered were the words: Bestfriends forever!. It was pasted permanently, embedded with hope and trust.

“I have a surprise for you.” Dexter said, walking to the corner. It took him for awhile to tinker but then it all lighted up into a shimming glamour. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

“Wow,” I admired the wonderfully lighten Christmas lights in all their vibrance. The two of us were surrounded by beautiful white lights and balloons that could make anyone’s heart skip. “Did you do all of these, Dex?”

At the center, a small present was surrounded by Christmas lights. “Go ahead,” He said, smiling. “It’s for you, Eve.”

I walked hesitantly at the center, feeling my heart beat unusually at each passing second. I avoided stepping on the Christmas lights as I picked up the small box at the center. Dexter’s eyes were completely set on me as I untied the ribbon from the gorgeously packaged gift. “Oh,” I said, lifting the small item.

Tears fell from my eyes as I saw the gift. “Dex,” My voice was crumbling, almost like snow that froze on the roof as it fell on the ground. “You kept this?” It pulled me back from my time of innocence, my time where in I didn’t know what the hell drugs were or anything in between.

I am new.

“Eve,” He said. “I really missed you. Welcome back home.”

Thank you.