I Fear I Might Break

Hayley and I stared at Damien for a few seconds.

What the hell is he on?

"Damien honey," Hayley started, "I don't know if your parents explained this to you but when two girls love each other and they have sex, they don't have a baby."

A grin slowly spread on his face.

She shouldn't have said.

"So you were going to have sex?" he asked.

"No," I said, "Why are you here anyway?"

He held up his other hand. A tiny black cell phone with a kitten chain on it was in his grasp. "You have a phone call."

"From who?"

Who the hell is calling me while I'm on tour?

"Crystal."

"Why is she calling me?"

"I don't know. But she says it's important."

"Well tell her to go drown in a pool of hungry piranhas."

Hayley's mouth dropped.

The phone was brought up to his ear. "Sin says you should go drown in a pool of hungry piranhas."

Vaguely, the sound of someone talking could be heard. Damien nodded his head and moved the phone away from his ear.

"She says she needs to talk to you," Damien said.

"Ask her what about," I said.

I don't have time for this.

The phone was placed back on his ear, "About what?"

His eyes widened.

"She wants to get back together," he relayed, phone still connected to his ear

What?

I could feel Hayley slouch slightly beside me.

"Tell her hell no."

"Hell no. 'Kay bye," he closed the phone.

He just hung up on her.

"Thanks, Damien," I smiled.

"No problem. Well, I'll leave you two alone. Don't be too loud. Jeremy is sleeping on the couch." He let the curtain drop.

Footsteps could be heard leaving the bunk area.

"Who's Crystal?" asked Hayley.

I looked over to her. She was slouched slightly, eyes directed to the sheets.

"She's an ex-girlfriend."

"Oh."

Silence.

"Is she pretty?" Hayley asked.

"What?"

"Is she pretty," she repeated.

Is she serious?

"Why would that matter?"

She shrugged and looked up at me. "Just asking."

Okay?

"I guess," I answered.

"Why did you two break up?"

That's a messy tale.

"It’s a long story."

"We have a while till sound check."

My eyes looked into her hazel ones. "You really want to know?" I asked.

She nodded.

"Well, Crystal and I have been having an on-and-off relationship for the past two years. I could tell you why we broke up each time... but you wouldn't understand unless I told you everything," I said.

"Then tell me all of it."

Eager beaver.

"Want me to start from the beginning?"

She nodded rapidly.

I took a breath. "Okay... Crystal and I met at my sixteenth birthday. She's the sister of Damien's boyfriend. At the time, I was still in between teams, I guess you could say. I was attracted to her from the start. We talked and flirted during the party. Right before it ended, she asked me on a date and I said yes. I was ecstatic. So we went on a date and she asked me to be her girlfriend. Of course, I said 'yes'. Things were great for the first couple of months. She made me realize that I'm a lesbian... but then she started pressuring me to come out to my parents. I didn't want to because I knew something bad would happen. My parents aren't the most accepting, you see. So she got feed up with me being in the closet and broke up with me. We stayed broken up for a month and finally I cracked and told me parents."

I paused, not looking Hayley in the eyes.

"They didn't take it well. They almost kicked me out but Octave convinced them not to. I told Crystal I had come out and we immediately started dating again. My parents still weren't accepting and they tried to make me realize I was going through a phase. It was so difficult to deal with. Crystal was there, though, and it made everything better in my mind. By then I thought I was in love with her and that I wanted to spend forever with her. I even put aside my razors for her. Um...." I trailed off.

Lungs consumed another deep breath.

How do I say this?

"Keep going," Hayley pushed.

"One night, my dad came home drunk and no one besides me was home. He started yelling at me, threw a vase at me; you know, the normal stuff. Then he decided he was going to show me that I was really straight. He dragged up to my bedroom and he raped me."

Hayley gasped, cutting off my sentence.

"That's not the end of it. He didn't use a condom and I'm not on birth control. I mean, how many lesbians do you know that are on birth control? I ended up pregnant with my own father's child. Of course, I told Octave and he freaked out. He and dad got in a fight. We moved out. I told Crystal... and she broke up with me, called me a filthy whore. I restarted cutting. I wanted to kill myself but I wasn't about to take the life of the child inside me. That's just not right in my opinion. I had told the rest of the band too. They were furious at my father; wanted to report him but I couldn't do it. We finally warmed up to the idea of having a kid around. Damien made me promise to name it after him, boy or girl. In my second trimester, I had a miscarriage. It was supposed be a girl. That's why I hate the color pink. We were all devastated after that. I blamed myself. I had my first suicide attempt that night; tried to hang myself. Didn't work, if you were curious," I chuckled at my own joke.

I should never be a comedian.

"For awhile, I was miserable. Then Crystal called. She wanted to get back together. I thought I was still in love with her so we dated again. I walked in on her, three months later, with another girl. Turns out she had been cheating on me the entire time. We broke up. I kept trying to figure out what was wrong with me after that. We broke up so many times; was I just not capable of being in a stable relationship? I wanted her back so badly. Three months and four suicide attempts later, she asked me out again. I hadn't told her about the cutting or suicide attempts. She found out five months later and broke up with me because she didn't want a 'crazy girlfriend'. I slit my throat with one of our butcher knives, ended up in a hospital with Octave's and Mina's blood pumping into me, and eventually went to a psychiatric ward. We've been broken up since then, which is about six months."

My eyes wandered to Hayley. Her mouth was slightly open. She closed it moments later. A thick silence covered us.

"You really liked her," she said finally.

That's what you have to say?

"I did."

"Are you going to date her again?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Do you still love her? Are you still in love with her?" Hayley's tone was bitter.

"No, Hayley. I realized I can find a girl who actually wants to be with me and will respect me. Why are you asking anyway?"

"I'm jealous. She had you for almost two years and she treated you like shit. But you won't date me and I would treat you like the princess you are."

"Hayley, I won't date you till you come out to your fans. I said that already."

You are so frustrating.

"I know," she whispered.

"But I don't want to force you to come out. Do it on your own time."

She nodded. I nudged her shoulder lightly.

"You're really cute, you know that?" I said.

"And you're really strong. Dealing with all of that isn't easy."

Laughter came from my vocal chords.

"I tried to off myself so many times. I'd hardly call that strong."

She chuckled. "Yeah I guess that's true."

There was another short silence.

"Why did you hate me?" Hayley asked.

"I didn't hate."

"Why didn't you like me?"

"I get compared to you all the time by the press. You're so perfect to them and I'm not. It kind of breaks a person down. Lashing out about you made me feel better; Lashing out at you made me feel like a bitch, which is basically what the press thinks I am. Plus I thought you were straight, so that didn't help," I answered.

"I'm sorry."

Footsteps approached the bunk. There was a slight knock.

"You can open it," Hayley said.

The curtain was pulled back. Octave stood there, fully dressed for the show that was soon to happen. Relief flooded his features.

"Good you're both clothed. Damien ran in the bus screaming that you two were having sex," Octave explained.

That fucking idiot.

"We’re just talking," I stated.

"Well, it's sound check time for us."

I hopped out of the bunk. Octave started walking off the bus.

"I'll talk to you later, Red. You may want to change your shirt," I smirked; then followed Octave off the bus.