I Fear I Might Break

Arguing pulled my mind from sleep.

"We have to do something," Octave yelled.

"Like what? Hayley won't talk to her. Sin's just going to stay moping around until Hayley does talk to her," Mina yelled back.

"I have an idea: you two can shut the fuck. It's too early to be yelling," Edward yelled.

I stumbled from my bunk and to the main area of the bus.

"Why are you guys yelling about me?" I asked.

"We're trying to figure how to help you," Octave answered.

"Set me on fire," I answered, throwing myself on the couch.

"Stop that, Sin."

"Stop? You want me to stop? Do you know what type of pain I'm going through? Do you know how hurt I am?" I yelled.

"Sin, I know you're hurt. You need to stop being emotional about it. You can fix this if you try to," Mina stated.

"I can't do that. I can't stop feeling like my heart has been ripped from my chest and stabbed with a thousand butcher knifes."

"Give it time."

I shrugged.

This conversation is stupid.

"There's a tent set up for breakfast. We're going down there to eat," Damien stated. "I'd like you to come."

"You're eating?" I asked.

He nodded.

"Of course I'll come with you. Just let me change."

I walked back to the bunk area, pulled a pair of black skinny jeans and green v-neck from my bag, and walked back to the main area. Octave stood and helped me change my shirt before I asked.

"Thanks," I said.

I changed my pants quickly and placed my clothes in the basket.

"Let's go," I said.

We exited the tour bus and walked toward the huge white tent in the distance.

"I think I see Ryan," Damien stated.

"You are such a manwhore," Edward said.

"No, I am flirt-a-holic. Get yo' shit straight," Damien add random hand movements.

"You are not a gangster. Stop trying."

"I am so a gangster."

"Did you just roll the 'r' at the end of 'gangster'?"

Damien nodded wildly.

"I think I rest my case," Edward stated as we got at the end of the food line.

I forced a smiled, looking around the eating area. Eyes landed on Hayley. She stood next to one of the poles talking to one of our guitar techs. Our gazes met. She rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to the man standing in front of her. Ears picked up her giggle.

It's so cute.

Jeremy ran up, talking frantically to her. She nodded her head every once in a while. He ran off again. Hayley bid our tech farewell, not even sparing me a second glace or glare.

I can't deal with this.

"I have to go back to the bus," I stated.

"I need you here though," Damien pleaded.

I stared into his puppy-dog eyes.

"Fine, Damien."

He smiled. We grabbed plates, stacking food of our choice on them.

"Where are we going to sit?" asked Mina, looking around the basically empty area.

"At that corner table so Sin can mope in privacy," Edward stated.

I glared.

"Yeah, I went there," Edward stated.

"Oh, snap," Damien exclaimed.

All eyes were on him. He ignored them and skipped to the table.

"I always wonder about him," Edward said.

"Who doesn't?" asked Mina.

He shrugged and walked to the table followed by Mina.

"Why is it always us that get to tables last?" I asked.

"I think it’s a hereditary thing," Octave answered.

I shrugged.

"Guys, come on," Damien pleaded.

"We’re coming," Octave said, grabbing my arm and leading me to the table.

"You guys can not stare at me while I eat," Damien stated.

"Okay, Damien," I said.

He nodded to himself. The conversation moved on. I paid no attention. Thoughts remained on Hayley.

She must hate me now.

"I finished," Damien exclaimed.

Eyes focused on Damien's now empty paper plate.

He did finish.

"Good job, Damien," I patted him on his back.

He smiled. "Okay, let's go back to the bus," he stood.

We followed him, each of us throwing away our trash on our way out of the tent. Silence covered the walk. We stepped on the bus, single file. The bus was quiet too. We collapsed on different seats. Damien turned on the game console on the ground. Edward joined him.

This silence is killing me. Its like they want to say something but they don't say it.

The bus door slid open. Nurse stormed on, a magazine in hand.

"Look at this," she said, throwing the newspaper on the table.

We gathered around the table, looking upon the magazine.

On the front of the glossy magazine was a picture of the band. "Life in the asylum" dominated the headline. In smaller text it said "Secrets revealed".

"What is this?" asked Octave.

"Read the article," Nurse instructed, opening to the right page.

We did as we were told, skimming the article.

It's about our problems? They're calling us hypocrites? Inappropriate for young children? We encourage drug use, prostitution, and asceticism? What the hell?

"This is all a bunch of bull shit," Mina said.

"How the hell can they think that?" asked Octave.

"It's because you told them about what you've all done," Nurse rubbed her temples.

"But we didn't say any of this," Octave complained.

"This is going to kill our fan-base," Edward stated.

Silence. We all knew it was true.

"Is this going to kill our band?" asked Damien.

"I hope not," Nurse said.

"This is my entire fault," I mumbled.

"No its not," Nurse said.

"Yes it is. Had I not said 'yes' to answering those stupid questions, we wouldn't be in this position," I stood. "And none of you can tell me otherwise."

I walked to the back of the bus. Feet lead me past the bunks and into the bathroom. I locked the door behind me. Hands reached into my pocket, extracting the small metal object.

I deserve pain.