You're Everything I Need

I knew this was a bad idea. I knew it before Spencer even told me that it was a bad idea. I knew it was a bad idea the moment I started to consider it. But I was desperate. Sad, I know. But I was. I couldn’t think of anything else. Spencer told me to just be patient and to not push things, but let’s face it. I’m impatient and I can hardly sit still for any amount of time.

And because of my impatience and inability to sit still, I found myself breaking into my old house. The house was still my father’s even though he was in prison. I wasn’t sure if it was going to get sold. I got in easily, using the spare key that I had kept. I rushed inside and up to my old room. I groaned when I saw that the window was still boarded up. I went back downstairs and looked for a hammer. I found one on the counter in the kitchen and went back to my room to start pulling the nails out.

About a half an hour later, I had succeeded in getting the boards off of my window. As I looked into Ryan’s room, I suddenly felt nervous. I opened my own window slowly, taking a deep breath before leaning out of the window to open Ryan’s. It felt kind of weird and familiar to be doing this again. I was happy to find that Ryan’s window opened easily. So far, my plan was working. I pulled myself out my window and through Ryan’s, carefully maneuvering myself so that I wouldn’t fall. When I was in Ryan’s room, I looked around remembering all the time we’d spent in here. I was kind of relieved that Ryan wasn’t in here. But I still had to face him. I walked over to Ryan’s bed, placing a hand on it carefully.

Something about the room didn’t feel right, and I looked at it more carefully. A lot of the furniture had gathered a layer of dust. The room looked like it hadn’t been used in a while. Did Ryan still live here?

I started to panic and hurried out of the room. What if he didn’t live here anymore? But he had to. Spencer came and visited him. Unless Spencer knew where Ryan lived now, and just didn’t tell me. But why would they move and leave Ryan’s stuff? It didn’t make any sense.

When I reached the top of the stairs, I didn’t hear anything. Was anyone home?

I walked down the stairs quietly, though, just in case. When I reached the bottom, I stood still before moving onto the living room. I stood next to the doorway and looked in slowly. It was empty and I sighed. I was about to leave and go check the rest of the house when a book sitting on the floor caught my attention. I walked into the living room and picked it up. I instantly recognized it as the book I had gotten Ryan. I opened it to where his bookmark was. I then realized that his bookmark was the letter that I had written him. I sighed before closing the book and setting it on the floor.

At least I knew Ryan still lived here. But where was he?

That question was answered the moment I turned around. I froze, seeing Ryan standing in the entrance of the living room, looking at me. He had frozen as well, and I could see some fear in his eyes. His eyes looked unfocused for a moment, and when he did focus his eyes on me, our eyes met. He held my gaze for a moment before looking away quickly.

“What are you doing here?” he asked after a moment.

“I wanted to see you,” I said.

“Why?” Ryan asked.

“I think you know why,” I said quietly, watching Ryan as he played with the hem of his shirt. His eyes, which had been avoiding mine, glanced up timidly for a second. He sighed, dropping his hands by his side and he looked away again. He looked out the window in the living room, but I could tell he wasn’t really looking at anything.

“I’m not going to lie,” Ryan said. “I still love you. I just…I’m scared of getting hurt again. I mean, I could have died.”

I felt tears sting my eyes, remembering what it was like to think that I could have killed Ryan.

“Ryan,” I said. He looked at me and I could see his eyes were shining with tears as well. “I would do anything to be with you again. We don’t need to be masochists just to have a relationship.”

Ryan laughed in a somewhat bitter way.

“How many times during our relationship did we try that?” Ryan asked. “And when we said we were done hurting each other, it didn’t last long. I doubt the accident with me would stop our want for those feelings again.”

“Ryan,” I said again. I stepped towards him and he didn’t back away, so I moved until I was standing in front of him. “I taught you to like pain. Before that, you knew how to be gentle. To enjoy things without pain. Who says you couldn’t teach me to like being gentle?”

I reached a hand up and placed it gently on Ryan’s cheek. Ryan’s eyes fluttered shut and he took in a sharp intake of breath. As I moved my hand down the side of his face gently, his eyes re-opened and he took a step back. His eyes met mine and I could now see longing in his eyes. Was I getting to him?

“I need to think about some things,” Ryan said. He looked down.

“Ok,” I said. “I’ll see you later?”

Ryan was silent so I sighed before walking past him to the front door.

“Come back this weekend,” Ryan said as my hand touched the door knob. I looked back to see that Ryan was no longer where I could see him. I couldn’t help but smile. Was Ryan taking me back?