You're Everything I Need

The doctor walked in a moment later followed by the nurse.

“Ryan?” the doctor said, standing over Ryan’s bed. “Just relax; I need to check a few things.”

The doctor shined a light into his eyes before pulling out his stethoscope.

“Where’s my mother?” I heard Ryan ask, his voice sounding small.

“She’s on her way here now,” the doctor said. I knew that I had to leave now. I looked at Ryan, feeling hopeless.

“Bye Ryan,” I whispered. He flinched at the sound of my voice. Flinched.

I turned and hurriedly left the room, taking the stairs.

“What happened?” Spencer asked when I got into the car. “Why’d it take so long?”

“He woke up,” I said.

“What?!” Spencer exclaimed, looking at me in surprise. “And you left?”

“His mom’s on her way,” I said, turning away from Spencer. I was trying so hard not to start crying.

“Hey,” Spencer said. “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head, knowing that if I spoke I wouldn’t be able to hold back the tears any longer.

“Can I go see him?” Spencer asked.

“I don’t care,” I choked out. I heard the car door open and Spencer got out.

“I won’t be long,” he said. The door shut and I was by myself now.

I shut my eyes tightly, willing the tears to go away. But I knew that they wouldn’t. I could still feel them, threatening to spill. And I let them. What else could I do? I felt like I had lost everything. Because Ryan was everything to me. I loved him so much it hurt. And I knew that my heart was breaking; that it was my fault. I was sick. Ryan should have never allowed me to treat him like I had. And I shouldn’t have allowed myself to do it either. I don’t even know why I liked the feeling of pain. Well, physical pain. I definitely did not like the feeling of this pain that I was feeling now. It was unbearable.

I wiped my eyes as the car door opened and Spencer got in silently. We drove back to his house in silence. I knew that Spencer wanted to tell me something by the way he kept glancing at me. But I knew that he was going to wait to tell me, no matter how much he wanted to say it.

When we got to Spencer’s house, Spencer finally turned to say something to me, but I jumped out of the car, heading into his house and up to Spencer’s room. I knew that whatever Spencer was going to say would just make things worse. Ryan had probably talked to him, after all.

I laid down on my mattress, and rolled over on my side curling up into a ball. I stayed like that, just staring blankly into the empty space under Spencer’s bed. I knew this did nothing to prevent Spencer from telling me whatever it was that he found out, but laying here made me feel a little bit better.

Not really. I still felt that pain—that emptiness inside of me. In all honesty, I wasn’t sure how I felt. How was I supposed to feel? I was so used to physical pain—I had little experience with emotional pain. And I knew why Ryan had feared it so much, because it could make you feel like this. So hopeless, lost. Like you’re dying on the inside.

I heard footsteps coming down the hallway and I knew it was Spencer. I heard him stop in the doorway to his room.

“Brendon?” he said quietly. I rolled over so that he could see that I was awake and that he had my attention. He looked down at me and I could see that he was sad. “Ryan..he um, wanted me to tell you something.”

He waited for a moment, seeing if I was going to object or something. I stayed silent and Spencer sighed.

“He said that he thinks it would be best if…if you two don’t see each other anymore. And that you stay away from him,” Spencer said quietly. I closed my eyes and turned away from him. I could feel the tears burning my eyes, threatening to spill. I felt Spencer’s hand touch my shoulder gently, but I pulled away from him. I heard Spencer sigh before hearing his footsteps leaving the room. Leaving me all alone.

Why was I such a fuck up?