You're Everything I Need

Ryan’s P.O.V.

A few days after Christmas, Spencer was at my front door this time, holding an envelope with my name on it. I stared at him before looking down at me.

“Just take it,” he said. I sighed and started to close the door. I had been annoyed before, but this just made me snap.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” I asked, raising my voice.

“Why can’t you just listen to Brendon?” Spencer said.

“Because I don’t want to,” I said. “Stop playing messenger and just leave me alone.”

“Ryan,” Spencer said, stepping into my doorway to prevent me from slamming the door in his face. “Just take this and read it.”

“Why should I?” I asked, eyeing the envelope that Spencer was holding out for me to take. Spencer sighed.

“Just read it,” he said. Without another word, I took the envelope from Spencer’s hand. He gave me a slight smile before stepping back onto my porch. “I’ll see you later Ryan.”

I closed the door without saying anything, staring down at the envelope, curious as to what Brendon had to say this time. I wished that I wasn’t curious. I wish I could just toss the envelope in the garbage without a second thought. I wish I could do anything else but read it.

I walked into my living room, sitting down on the floor as usual, still staring at the envelope. That’s all I did for a minute before sighing and flipping it over. I opened it carefully and slowly, trying to delay in reading it. I unfolded the paper carefully, sighing when I saw the page filled with Brendon’s handwriting.

Ryan,

I hate how things are right now. And I wanted to start this out by reminding you of all the good times we had.

Like our first official kiss. When we finally became a couple and you admitted that you liked me. We hadn't seen each other in over two weeks, and I thought for sure that I'd never see you again. But then there you were...crawling through my window. And you kissed me.

And that time that I made funny faces at you from my room. You were so adorable and laughing. I love your laugh. It’s the best.

There’s also that time I called you Sunshine. You got so mad. You were, again, very adorable.

You’re the only person who really knew the complete truth about my parents. The only one who truly knew how bad my father could get. I never even told Spencer how bad my father treated me.

And then when I first told you that I loved you. I know it didn’t seem like it, but that was one of the most difficult thing I’d ever done. You were the first person who wasn’t family that I said ‘I love you’ to. And I meant it when I said that nothing would ever change that. I still love you so much, it hurts. It hurts so much and I want this pain to go away…but I know that without you, there is no cure for this pain.

I know that you still love me. I just know it. I also know that you’re afraid of me. I’ll never forget how you looked at me when you woke up. That fear.

You told me that I was nothing like my father. You told me that. But that one look…that fear…I’ve never felt more like my father than I did in that moment. And I truly hate myself for what I did to you. I wish that you could see that I’m truly sorry.

And also wish that you would have told me to stop that night. You promised me that you would tell me to stop if things weren’t going well. You told me that you were fine. Why didn’t you tell me that you weren’t? Why didn’t you just stop me?

I hope that you actually read this.

Love,
Brendon

I read it a few more times, Brendon’s words not quite sinking in. And I didn’t feel anything. I wasn’t sure how to feel. Well…what I did feel was confused. I had no idea what to do. I stared at the letter for a few more minutes before folding it back up and carefully sliding it back into its envelope.

“Ryan?” I looked up to see my mother looking at me from the doorway to the living room. She must have just gotten home from work. “Oh honey…What’s wrong?”

That’s when I realized that I had been crying. I wiped my face and eyes quickly.

“Nothing,” I said quietly, looking away from her. I could see her staring at me from the corner of my eye before she left. I sighed and looked at the envelope again.

So many things in this letter were right. And I found myself questioning myself…looking back at that night.

Why hadn’t I told Brendon to stop? Was it actually my own fault that I had gone into a coma?