Forever Broken Nostalgic Mannequins

Spike had some more customers come in that he need to tend to so I bid him a farewell, promising that I would see him soon. I am at Jazz's house most of the time anyways, so that won't be a hard promise to keep. I grudgingly open the door to the tattoo parlor and set off to the store. Once I got there I went to the back where the pharmacy was located and asked if my refill had come in yet. The lady at the counter checked her computer log and her smile faultered "I am sorry Miss Raine, but there was a delay with the order and it won't be in for at least another four days, I am terribly sorry, we have some nonpersciption sleeping medication." That's just lovely no sleep at all for four more days... "Oh no that's alright none of those drugs are strong enough for my insomnia, thanks anyways." She smiled sympathetically and I left the store. I slowly made my way home each step I took I felt my stomach drop more and more.

I just had this strong feeling that this years anniversery of my father's leaving will be worse than all the one before. My mother has been drinking even more than usual and that is really saying something. Sometimes I think about drinking, you know just to make the pain go away, been then a smack myself for even thinking that, I'd just become my mother, a lousy abusive alcoholic who can't get over the fact that a man who didn't give a damn about her, knocked her up and left. That's life though, just ine huge disapointment. And to my mother I wasn't her felsh and blood, her daughter, her little girl, no I was her constant daily reminder of the mistakes she made.

I came upon a park and decided to kill some time there, stalling as much as possible. The park was empty due to the weather, as there was a light drizzle that would soon most likely turn into full on rain. How cliche! Depressed teenager gets caught in the rain. That made me laugh. I sat on one of the swingings that was gently swaying in the breeze. I sat there for over an hour swinging slowly back and forth, back and forth. The way the swing was so acostummed, set on a track that it had to follow, forward and back, reminded me of my life. No matter how great of a time I have with my friends,forward, I always have to come home to a hateful mother and no father, I just fall back in to the same dark pit of depression that I have lived most of my life in. I extended my feet to touch the ground and the swing halted, I then twisted it up and let my feet go off the ground as the swing spun my around and around, once it stopped spinnning, it went right back into the routine forward and back motion. That twist was the role music has in my life, it can temperarily stop the routine, block out everything but as soon as it's over, it goes back into routine.

darkness had long since fallen on the park and rain had covered everything, soaking and replenishing the starved earth. my attire clung to my small figure, as I involuntarily let out a shiver. I sighed, I knew that I had to go home, I had to face reality.

--

Inhaling a deep breath and exhaling, I extended my hand and my pale, boney fingers gripped the doorknob I opened it quietly and slipped inside the house. I didn't see my mother, so I assumed that she had not come home yet. I had just let out a breath that I didn't know that I was holding, when I saw a flash of movement. Fist came in contact with my stomach, imidiately I dropped to the floor coughing up blood. Everything after that was a blur. Fist, contact. Fist,contact. Blows were thrown this way and that and I felt sick I blocked everything out. The punches. The kicks. Being shoved down the stairs. My 'mother' leaving me. Fuckbuddy coming in, because my life wasn't fucked up enough, my day wasn't bad enough, he just had to come in and rape me. I felt sick and weak. Fuckbuddy left and I stumbled into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. Nausea caught up to me, so I clutched the toilet and emptied what little contents that were in my stomach.

I pushed myself to my feet and tried to walk but didn't get very far. I pulled my ipod out of my pocket and set it on an ihome that sat on the bathroom counter. I knew mom would be gone till morning, so the noise level didn't matter. I turned the volume dial all the way up, and pressed the playlist that I always played after a beating or being raped. I stumbled over to the shower and climbed into the tub, fully clothed. I turned the shower till it was searing hot and sat in the tub, curled in a ball. Trying desperately to rid myself off the nasea and disgust I was feeling the hurt the pain. When the water ran cold I shut it off and layed in the tub wet and clothed and passed out of complete physical exhaustion, I was so weak. I was thankful when the darkness swept over me.

--

I awoke in the morning with a pounding headache and sore all over. I was still damp and shivering. I stripped myself of my clothing and took a real shower. I held the counter for support as I stepped out of the shower and wrapped myself in a robe. I looked in the mirror to see large purple-ish blue bruises prominent on my face, well all over my body would be more like it. this was much more than what coverup could do and I doubt that i'd be able to even walk to school. I stared at my reflection, what I saw made me sick my eyes were empty and dull the glint gone without a trace. I supported myself on the wall and stumbled to my room and put on one of Jasper's shirts, that I had borrowed a while ago. Even though he was pretty thin, his shirt consumed me, and some baggy sweats.

I coughed up some more blood and then brushed my teeth. The house was a complete distaster, like World War 3 happened in my very house, in my case, it did. I sighed and set to start cleaning the house I cleaned it from top to bottom it was spotless. I only stopped to change the song on my ipod, sit down due to being weak, coughing up blood, and throwing up. I had just finished and it was three o'clock. I sat on one of the steps on the stairs and pulled out my beat up cell phone. The guys had been calling me all day, I didn't feel like talking to any of them, I was definitely messed up, an emotional wreck, I couldn't keep the emotions in a bottle today, the way I usually do. I am so readable when I get all emotional like this....so vulnerable. School just got out and I knew that they all would be at my door in about ten minutes, demanding to know where I was and why I haven't returned their calls. I feel bad ignoring them, but I just can't handle them right now. I found a post-it note and wrote a message to the guys on it:
hey guys,
sorry I didn't go to school today,
I wasn't feeling well and didn't really feel like talking.
I won't be able to go to band practice tonight,
I'll see ya guys soon, probably will stay home a few days
I think I caught the flu or something.
Love ya'll
<3 Skylar

I stuck it on the front door, grabbed a hoodie, now able to walk a lot better then this morning, but still a little wobbly on my feet, and headed out the back door and into the rain. I walked to the back fence and slipped through a loose fenceboard and walked down a small hill to a path that led through pretty shrubbery, not many people knew about this place. I walked away from everything, "World So Cold" by Three days Grace playing full blast through my ipod. After a while of walking I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, I pulled it out to see that Jazz was calling, right about now, the guys had probably found my note, read my lie, and didn't believe it, because they know me better than that, that sort of scared me, I knew that they wouldn't buy it, because they usually have to force me to cancel band practice when I'm sick. I shut my phone off and put it back in my pocket. Took a deep breath and then to my aching body's protest, I set off in a light sprint, if I couldn't bottle up my emotions, then I would run them out of myself.

I knew it wasn't healthy. I knew it wasn't a smart thing to do. I would probably end up passing out on a bench somewhere, but I didn't care. I was so confused, why now. Why did I choose now for my emotions to catch up to me. I wanted now more than ever to find my father. I had nothing though, no picture of him, no hint as to where he may be, I didn't even know his name. I was determined though. I pushed myself farther, not stopping, for I knew that my legs would give out the second that I stopped. Run away from fears....through the tears, I'll be there soon...run run run away to you.