Let You Go.

She didn’t know I was watching her. Her body language just screamed pain. The way she threw things around, trying to gather her things as quickly as possible. I swore I thought I heard her sniffing. I couldn’t see her face, though. She didn’t want to leave, so I didn’t understand why she insisted on it.

When she turned and noticed me, she visibly jumped back, putting a hand over her chest as she tried to regulate her breathing. She was, in fact, crying. My face remained hard, even as I approached her. She didn’t try to move away from me, and I appreciated that fact, but I was trying to understand…trying to get a better look into her head…I didn’t understand.

“Zack,” She whispered, shock written across her face. I shushed her and cupped her cheeks, brushing just under her eyes.

She was hurting, but this was her fault; her decision. Not mine.

Her eyes shifted toward our bed. She looked as if she felt guilty as she took in the sight of how I’d set it up for her. Rose petals, heart shaped boxes full of chocolate, and the normal blue cotton sheets had been replaced with red satin ones.

I tried so hard to make Valentine’s Day special for her. According to the clothes and personal items scattered across the floor, the cold food sitting at the table, and the candles still melting away with no one to enjoy them, it wasn’t enough.

“It’s okay…” I murmured, shaking my head. She mimicked me, shaking her head as well. There was still no emotion in my expression. I just stood with my hands cupping her cheeks, mulling over things in my head.

Then, out of impulse and sudden desperation, I urged my lips against hers. I don’t know why, but I was somewhat surprised when she loosely wrapped her arms around my neck. She kissed me like none of this was happening.

Like she was still happy.

I don’t remember when I realized that I was moving forward; backing her against a wall, but that fact didn’t matter much to me. I was reveling in the feeling of her soft lips moving so gently against mine for one of the last times; the feeling of her fingers curling into my hair as she pulled me into her.

There was a slight jolt when her back hit the wall, but not enough to distract us. I delicately slid my hands down until they settled on her hips, my fingers splayed against the exposed skin atop the beginning her jeans and below the end of her shirt.

When I pulled my lips from hers, she tried to pull me back. I resisted and rested my forehead against hers, panting lightly. “Please don’t do this…” I breathed, my lips brushing against hers as the words spilled from my lips. The desperation in my voice was raw and entirely visible. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. Not for her sake, not for mine. I needed to let her know what she was doing to me. I was begging shamelessly.

“I need to do this, Zack…for you.” I fought myself – internally – to keep from raising my voice at her. What did she mean? How could this benefit me in any way? If anything, it would force me further into depression.

I softly pressed my lips to the corners of hers, shaking my head slowly. “No,” I spoke against her skin before capturing her lips in mine again for a few moments, “you can’t. You have to stay…don’t leave. I love you so much, just don’t…” I trailed off.

This time, she cupped my cheeks, pressing another kiss to my lips before pulling away and shaking her head. “I’m sorry…I’m not good for you, Zack. I have to leave and let you move on. We’re not right for each other.”

My eyes fluttered shut. I sighed, removing my hands from her hips. One went to my forehead, the other sticking up in an ‘I surrender’ manner. I only felt air trailing behind her as she moved away from me.

Once I heard her shuffling around behind me, my free arm extended, my palm laying flat against the wall as I leaned, just shaking my head in disbelief. I refused to speak another word until she was gone. I couldn’t even stomach looking at her. I’d just start pleading with her again. She wasn’t going to change her mind, and as much as I didn’t want to, I’d have to accept that fact, even if it killed me.

She thought she wasn’t good for me. She implied that she wasn’t good enough, when in fact, she was my everything. No one was perfect. No couple could be so completely and utterly perfect that they never argued or fought over something insignificant.

I still didn’t understand…

While I was mulling over my thoughts, I didn’t keep track of the time going by. Her lips against my cheek pulled me from my daze just enough to register that she was there.

“I’m sorry…” She repeated. She was leaving. “Happy Valentine's day.”

Now that was just cruel.

Fuck Valentine's Day.