You Should Know

I stumble into my apartment, collapsing onto the couch.

I can’t breathe.

I’m so short of breath it’s as if my lungs are punctured.

I feel sick with nausea and hot with fever.

I don’t want to be here.

It reminds me of you, before, when everything was perfect.

I don’t want to be anywhere.

Why didn’t you tell me?

It’s too hot.

I need air.

I’m suffocating.

I want to go outside but I can’t move.

I’m paralyzed, too.

I can only imagine what you went through.

Without me.

I tug at the restricting tie around my neck and matching black shirt.

I can’t breathe.

There are holes in my lungs.

I feel lightheaded.

I can’t believe I even made it through the service without a breakdown.

I yank mercilessly at the choking tie until it’s loose and slides off and onto the floor of its own accord.

It’s not enough; I have to unbutton the top button of my collared shirt.

I’m still suffocating.

I lean forward on the couch, feeling as if I’m about to be sick.

I press my palms into my eyes.

I don’t want to cry.

I’ve managed not to cry all day, and I won’t start now.

“Alex?”

I make no move to show I’ve heard the voice from the open doorway.

I can’t breathe.

She comes to sit next to me, placing an arm around my shoulder.

“Why?” I finally turn to ask Victoria. “Why-”

I can’t even finish the sentence due to the block in my throat.

As much as I’m trying not to, I notice my face is wet and I’m crying into her black sweater and her arms are around me.

Victoria’s wiping her eyes with her sleeves when we pull away.

They’re red-rimmed, like mine probably are.

“She…she left this for you,” she suddenly says, reaching into her bag.

She quickly pushes something into my hands and stands up.

“I…I c-can’t…I have to go,” she stammers, and she’s quickly out the door.

I stare down at the small, bound book in my hands, hesitating to open the cover.

The inscription:

Para el amor de mi vida,
Alexandro
Siempre te amaré.
Debes saber.

I turn the next page.

And I start to read.