My Promise

Some things you just never forget, like your fondest memories growing up, and the most painful ones, and the majority of mine were filled with Edward. I had tried so long to suppress my feelings good, or bad believing that dwelling on them would only lead to my destruction. But standing here in front of Edward, having him ask me to reveal all of me, everything I was at my core, could only lead to my release. I inhaled deeply and let everything I had bottled up release and wash over me. The damn had broken and all was being shown.

Pain was the first feeling and with it came the memories. The day I was changed: the fear on loosing him and never being able to tell him I loved him, how that was all I could think of. Not dying or the sorrow and lost that would come from those who loved me, just him and the loss I would get from never seeing him again. The day we met: the fear of not being good enough for him, the feeling that crawled up my spine when I noticed there was something more to him, and the chance he may never share it with me, even the terrible pulling in my chest returned to remind me of my affection. I saw glimpses of myself when I would go days without seeing him in a semester hoping it wasn’t permanent. I looked so broken and lost, like it wasn’t just him that was absent but my essence. Tears began forming in my eyes as I registered the familiar sting in my vision. The day it was changed (it being everything, my reality, myself, and everything I thought I knew about the world and my place in it): seeing Bella swan and feeling that adrenaline course through my body, like I was on thin ice and the first crack had been made as his name echoed of her lips and into my registering mind, the singeing feeling in my chest that had paralyzed me in fear as I watched lips that kissed my tears away comforted another. The note that had took me hours to write and still I knew the words didn’t reflect my true feelings. Me leaving, and starting over without him, all alone. The way I always dreaded being, then coming back and…Then the pain went deeper, into a place that I didn’t even know exist. I had convinced myself that all the pain I experienced from then on were just the rest of the ashes falling from my burnt up life and didn’t hurt, but I was wrong. Instantly I keep the pain, it shot into my chest and locked up all of my muscles, I was taken to my knees no longer able to support myself through the pain. I used what little strength I had and shot my left arm forward using my other to support myself.

“Don’t! Please..you need to know this and this is the only way.” It pained him not to rush up to me and scoop his arms around me, to hold me until the pain stopped, but I couldn’t let him. Not yet, not until he understood everything.

There it was the devastation that took me we I found out he had moved on. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself that it was what I wanted and how good I made it look like I did, I didn’t. I was scared and hurt, and…, and wrong. Finally I had admitted it I was wrong. I should have never pushed me away, but I didn’t want to be replaced. I couldn’t survive watching him choose her over me, I couldn’t bare living through the transition of her coming into his life more and more and he being taken out. I had done it despite all odd, we were finally together, and the biggest pain I felt was from me. From not letting myself trust the man I loved with the very thing I fought so desperately for him to have my heart. I had risk everything to be with him, except my heart, and in the end not taking that risk cost me the very thing I was risking it all to get. I had worked so hard to get everything I had ever wanted, good friends ,love, a real life, and I lost it all because I was afraid.

I looked up at Edward, deeps trains of rose red tears streamed down my face making me a grotesque sight. Still he looked down at me with that smile, my smile from years before when we had just spotted each other in the hallway at school, and years later when we ran through the woods together laughing and basking in each others presence. Nothing had changed, as much as I tired to convince myself I knew it hadn’t. I still loved this man and he still loved me, just as strong, and just as eternal. Yes, the people in our worlds changed and our responsibilities had but not our feelings, they were too pure to be tainted by time, or pain, or loss.

“I needed you to know.” I looked up Edward.

“Know what?” I used my left hand to while the red stains off of my face and pushed myself to my feet.

“What happened between us, I didn’t want you to doubt..” I trailed off. What was I suppose to say? Doubt me, my feelings? Since I wasn’t true to either could I expect there to be no doubt?

“I never doubted you chels, I know you remember. You cant hide anything from me. You see I found out you were home.” He stretched a hand out to me and I accepted as I was pulled into an embrace.

“So what happens next. After I save you family, or even if I fail. What will we do next if it is only us or if nothing changes?” I had to ask. I needed a direction and the only way I wanted to follow was one that would lead to him.

“Well Miss. Chelsea, are you willing to give up everything you worked for because you’re afraid of having everything you’ve ever wanted?” I let this sit for a minute. I knew what I had worked for, myself and finding peace. At this point the peace I envisioned would not come easy, not at all. Now I really would have to risk it all, and so would he. But looking back he was already willing to risk it all to be with me. I was human, that right there was a huge risk, he had a wounded heart when we met, I was a pyro, I had werewolf friends, and the list goes on. Yet he never ran, nor hesitated, he was just by my side loving me up close or from a distance, to him it didn’t matter.

“No not anymore, and never again.” I pecked his lips and look one last look at him before I left. I would remember this, the passion in his eyes, the welcoming nature of his presence, the alluring of his lips, and him in all his love. It covered him like the sun, sending warm rays of hope towards me. No matter what happened after this, with Paul and Bella, I would remember that we are each others’ home and they were just pit stops on our way back. It was harsh yet, and I knew explaining it to them would be much more difficult and painful, but one problem at a time. Right now I had to go and save the girl I would soon replace (literally), well more like re-replace, and the daughter of the man who was my world…