Autumn, Bekkah, and Joanne's Adventures

Honestly, it all felt like a dream to me. One minute I was coming back from the hospital, the next I was watching anime for seven hours straight with a bag of Trader Joe’s Chocolate Covered Peanut-Butter Filled Pretzels – I had brought fifty bags of them from America, oh my they’re delicious - and a box of tissues for my random bursts of crying, and the next I got a call from James asking me to accompany him to see his brother, go to dinner, and see a movie. It was the picturesque ‘high school’ date, and I thought it was extremely cute.

After I turned off my TV, sad to see that I had to stop watching re-runs of Bleach and Yu Yu Hakusho and continue later, I stopped to think of the inevitable question: What to wear?! I went through my closet to find what I could wear. I might not have a ton of clothes to choose from, but it was hard to find the perfect shirt. After all, I was going on a DATE with a famous actor!

I picked up a soft, comfortable flannel plaid shirt that Autumn had gotten me for my seventeenth birthday. Before finding more things, I looked in the mirror and almost gagged. My hair looked like something threw up on my head. Straightening this mess out would take a good…hour or two, so I tried to think of another option. I went into my bathroom to look at everything, and saw my saving grace: a curling iron. So, for ten minutes, I curled my hair and shook out the loose curls, to make it more natural looking.

Then I finally slipped on faded skinny jeans with rips in them and suddenly stopped. I didn’t have any nice shoes. The only ‘normal’ shoes I owned was a pair of awesome black combat boots and grey shoes with rips and patches…and they looked like a rat had chewed on them. But that’s what made them awesome. I bit my bottom lip before I realized Autumn had a sweet pair of purple Doc Martens. Normally, I wasn’t one to match my clothes but I figured that this occasion was an exception.

I skipped into her room, the shirt fully unbuttoned to reveal an orange tank top with bright stars on it. Like I just said, matching things was not my thing. I almost rolled my eyes as she was watching Dirty Dancing for the, like, fifty millionth time. “Mind if I borrow these?” I found her Doc Martens in her mounds of shoes and began slipping them on before she even said, “Oh, you know you don’t have to ask to borrow my stuff, Bekks.”

As I made sure they looked good with my outfit, I turned back to Autie who had just snapped out of dream land. “Where are you going?” She asked me, her eyes still glued to the TV. I mentally debated on how to tell her, and I ultimately decided on the best way to make her crazy.

“With James,” I replied nonchalantly, as if it was no big deal. That’s when she ripped her eyes from Dirty Dancing, so fast it almost gave me whiplash, and her eyes were wide.

“Is this… I don’t know… A date?” She asked me, a glowing look in her eyes. I knew exactly what it signaled – that Autie needed to know something, and needed to know it now. But being the all-knowing friend I was, I simply shrugged. “Maybe, maybe not.” And so it went on.

Ultimately, she found out that it was practically a date, I forced her to do my make up, we began talking about the relationships in our ‘house’ and it was all good until we got on the topic of her and Tom. She was done with my makeup – pretty purple smoky eyes and brown eyeliner to bring out my eyes – and she looked away. I knew she was quite uncomfortable with the topic, but being the person I was, I kept talking about it.

“Well, maybe being with Tom will help you move on and finally find happiness.” I slid in, knowing pretty much what she was going through. And, honestly, the only way to find true happiness is to not let death of those around you affect you.

She gave me a fake smile. “Bekks, what are you talking about? I am happy! I have you and Joanne. Who else might I need?” I saw through everything. I saw through even her most convincing smile and tone, because I had once been the same way. I gave her a slight scowl, which was usually what she would call the ‘warning before the storm’. And then I began my mini-tirade. It’s just…I just hated seeing people like this, especially my best friends. Bottling things up inside was never okay for my friends to do, even if that’s what I always did. I always allowed myself to receive the worst of pain, because I knew I could take it. I wanted to take it, to correct all the wrongs I’ve done.

But I never expected to start crying. Thankfully, it was only a few tears but the few were enough to make me choke on my own words at the end. I smiled, a real smile, and put my hand on her shoulder. “Don’t ruin that make up, now.” She giggled, causing me to flip her off. But, it only made me feel better. After all, I was the one crying right now, and that was all that mattered. She was momentarily happy.

I was surprised that I could hear a knock on my door. Giving her a quick hug, I walked over to my room. My heart was pounding in my head, and bit my bottom lip. God, it was so nerve-wracking! I thought that just crying, I wouldn’t be nervous, and I would be mellow. But apparently, my nerves built up and sprung like a repressed coil instead.

“Ready?” James smiled, and I almost took his arm before I gasped. “Almost!” I ran to my dresser and plucked a pair of plastic, lens less glasses. I put them on, the lens frame resembling the glasses Taylor Swift had worn in her You Belong With Me music video. I slipped on a silver ring with the words: love, luck, and peace engraved in it. My fingers rested on the ring even when it sat comfortably on my right middle finger.

I turned back to James, who shook his head at my glasses, and grinned. “Now I’m ready!” I linked his arm with mine, the butterflies gone. My ‘glasses’ always had that effect on me. It made me feel more comfortable in my own skin, most likely because of their ridiculousness.

“Are you seriously wearing those?” He asked, amused. I flashed him a grand smile. “Of course, ‘cause they’re awesome.” He muttered something incoherent, causing me to snort.

Not long after we were outside a small, out-of-the-way building. I almost laughed. The building reminded me too much of where raves back home were held and drug deals were made. James tugged at his sleeve to look at his watch. I stood in my tip-toes to get a good glance at what time it was: five twenty-eight. He sighed. “Well, we’ll have to wait two minutes for them to finish up inside.”

“Finish up what? A drug deal?” I felt my old self coming back to life, a semblance of hope sparking inside me that there were drugs inside. After thinking that, I almost slapped myself. Almost.

James laughed, thankfully taking it as a joke. “No, an interview. It’s in this type of building so it isn’t attacked by the media.” He shook his head before a cool breeze swept past us. I shivered. It was times like these I secretly berated myself for hating jackets. Noticing my cold state, James wrapped an arm around me, pulling me into his embrace. I flushed. Surprised, I looked up at James’ face, his features softened. I turned redder when I saw a twinge of pink on his own cheeks, and not from the sudden cold.

And in that beautiful moment, the door swung open revealing Oliver. “So, I finally get to meet the infamous Bekkah.” I jerked away from James so that I could shake Oliver’s outstretched hand. He smirked, looking me over. “And might I say bro, I’m jealous. Quite a catch.” At that point in time, I’m pretty sure the shade of a tomato had nothing on my cheeks.

We hung out with Oliver for a good half an hour, most of which was spent squished in the back of James’ car. At one point, Oliver stole my glasses – making me feel naked for some odd reason – and then proceeded to take ‘group pictures’ with his cell phone, making weird faces with my glasses. I was practically dying from laughter in every picture.

At the restaurant, I made sure to stay away from anything with spices in it. I did not want another scene to happen like the first time I went to dinner. I tried an odd looking meal that, after countless explanations as to what it was by James, I was still unsure of. After my first bites though, I found it to be delicious. And that was saying something for a somewhat-picky eater like me.

Nothing heightened to more than subtly flirting until the movies. Now that was on a whole different field. I honestly forgot what movie we were about see after two seconds of sitting in the dark next to James. His lips were against my own, then my jaw, then my neck, my collarbone, and, well, the movie wasn’t important at the time. Although I wasn’t ashamed of what happened, I was just worried about what Autumn and Joanne would say. I knew they wouldn’t be against it but I couldn’t help but harbor a fear of what they could be hiding inside.

I slid back into my room at two in the morning looking like a hot mess. I didn’t want to peek into either of their rooms in case I accidently woke them up. So, I slipped out of my clothes and into my amazingly fluffy white pajama pants with skulls on them and a black tank top. I swept my hair into a bun, since the curls were disheveled from my earlier activities. And I just flushed at the memory. I went into the bathroom to use my acne wash which always left my skin nice and smooth. But when I caught the reflection of my eyes in the mirror, I held a scream in my throat and ran back to my bed. It didn’t matter that I still had the treatment on my face as I shoved it into my pillow in futile attempts to rid myself of the image.

Those eyes, the ones I just had now, no matter how weird it seems, I’ve only seen a handful of times before. Because when my eyes shifted to green – a rare occasion nonetheless – one thing has always followed: a sudden drug urge, a powerful urge. I had a few back in Massachusetts, one in Texas, and now one in England. I dreaded the morning, as I would have to tell Autie and Jo about it.

I feared what might happen to me, as my urges were so strong it was like I was possessed. It was as if an inner demon broke through my defenses, and it was extremely hard to tame. My body shook as my trembling hands fisted my bed sheets.

Just as I was piecing my life back together, just as I had James, Jo had Matt, and Autie had Tom, I have to ruin it all. I choked a sob, laughing bitterly. In an attempt to get rid of my current train of thought, my mind wandered back to the movies. And I was able to fall asleep, even with a darkness coiled in my chest.