Blood Isn't Always Thicker Than Water

“Oo! I recognize this street!” I squealed, getting all excited. “Wait, no. No I don’t.”

Jeremy sighed and closed his eyes. This had been going on repeatedly for about an hour. Seriously. I don’t know how the guy lived with me.

“We’re close! I swear!”

“If you can’t find the friggin’ place and you’ve been there before, how the hell is George gonna find it?” Jeremy asked, venting his frustration.

“The King’s workers can sense first-timers and guide them. Even if you didn’t want to go to the King’s place, but you were in the city for the first time and a ‘vampire’, the workers will find you and get you to the King. Somehow. Strict policies around here.” I glanced around, sightseeing, the picture of nonchalance, while actually searching for eavesdroppers. And, seriously, there wasn’t much to see with your sight around here. Crowded streets, tall buildings, unemotional people, same old same old. But skyscrapers still struck fear into my heart. I don’t think that’ll ever go away.

“Why can’t you get there?” I asked Jeremy. “You’re the one who had to report here behind my back, right?”

He grimaced. “Please don’t bring that topic up. And I was only here at night, when I could see.”

So I had forgiven him, but her hadn’t forgiven himself. Oh, I am good. Give yourself a high five! Oh yeah! Sorry, mental moment.

“This sucks,” I announced. “Major balls.”

“Talk about it,” Jeremy agreed. “I can’t freakin’ see, for crying out loud. If we wait for nightfall—”

“We could get raped and mugged and multiple other things, not to mention murdered. And what if George happens to see me and thinks I’m some super-fan who went and copied his face? No, we’re not waiting until nighttime.”

“But—”

“Eh.”

“But—”

“Eh-eh. Do you want to keep Samantha safe from the King?”

“Yes, but—”

“Then no buts! Now shut up and let me think.” I surveyed the area over again from my bench on the sidewalk. My eyes landed on something I couldn’t believe I forgot that I had access to.

“Hey, Jeremy, got anything from when you, uh, entered the King’s quarters?”

“Uh, yeah, actually.” He pulled this fricken pistol right out of his ass.

“Oh, gee! Don’t let anyone see that!”

“Why the hell not?” he asked indignantly, folding his arms around it and holding it against his chest so that my hands couldn’t grab it.

I sighed in frustration. “That’s a fuckin’ gun, Jeremy! You’re gonna scare the shit out of anyone who sees that!”

He glared at me with his filmy pale blue eyes. “Getchyer hands off me.”

I growled but relented. Jeremy shoved the thing back down his ass and “humphed” as he crossed his arms and slapped his back into the bench.

I shook my head and leaned back as well.

Then some random-ass dude just, like, careened through time and space and somehow managed to land his buttocks with relative comfort down next to me, opposite Jeremy, and started reading a flippin’ book.

The memory of Jeremy’s gun was making me twitchy. “H-hey,” I said to the guy.

He glanced at me and gave a minimal wave back.

I leaned over and whispered in the guy’s ear, “You see the guy right there? The one next to us? Yeah. Don’t piss him off. He’s got a gun.”

The dude frowned at me, closing his book.

“Are you leaving?” ‘Cause I can swear, I’m not a vampire.” Oh, wow, where did that come from?

“Are…are you…okay?” the guy asked, slowly moving away from me.

“Oh, yeah. I just wanted to let you know that me and my blonde buddy here aren’t vampires so we won’t suck you dry at some unknown time. And Blondie won’t shoot the shit out of you unless you piss him off! Also, we aren’t gay.”

Random-ass guy walked away. Quickly.

“That’s just about the dumbest thing you’ve ever done,” Jeremy informed me. “Ever.”

“It was, wasn’t it?” I said absently, standing up and walking the opposite direction that the guy had. “Wait, let Balto smell the gun. Maybe he can get us to the King!”

Jeremy looked at me dubiously. “The thing probably smells like me by now.”

“Who give a fuck? Just let the dog smell it!”

“Why are you swearing so much?”

“I have no fuckin’ idea.”

Jeremy sighed and took out the gun, letting Balto smell it. If Monty did, he’s probably sniff around until he found Jeremy then he would let the contents of his bladder flow. And of course the contents would end up on Jeremy.

Balto trotted off, and we followed him, Monty whining from the lack of attention. I scratched behind his ears. That shut him up for the time being.

Balto meandered all over the place. To pass the time, I memorized little bits and pieces of the scenery around us that might help us on our way out. Oh, I really hoped there would be an “out” when this was all over and done with.

Church building with headless Mary…cart selling T-shirts…open condom box in the gutter…a restaurant whose sign was in Chinese…toothpick of a girl who got her boobs pregnant instead of her stomach…parked truck with a sticker that said “FUH Q”…haha, good one…a candle shop that I could smell from the street…ICE CREAM!!

Needless to say, I dragged Jeremy over to the stand and started voraciously reading the flavor choices sign.

“If you could only read books like that…” Jeremy stated almost dreamily, holding Balto’s scruff.

“Only works with ice cream, I’m sad to say,” I informed him. “Peanut Butter Swirl…Death By Chocolate…soft serve…? Oh, it’s too much. Jeremy, you choose.” I shoved
him forward.

“Cas, I can’t read!” he protested.

“Too bad. Make do.”

Jeremy sighed and picked up Balto. The guy behind the counter-thing went from looking frustrated and bored to terrified. A couple people stopped what they were doing and stared, but soon lost interest. Wow, people here are boring.

“Sir, I could read you the choices out loud,” the ice cream scooper offered. He looked about thirty. Maybe.

“No, it’s okay,” Jeremy said, perfectly at ease, aiming Balto’s eyes at the list. “I’m just taking a quick peek.”

Ice Cream Scooper Man didn’t seem to like peeking. “Could you please remove your dog from the ice cream’s immediate area?” He was pleading. Haha!

“Just a second…” Jeremy whispered, eyes closed. “All right, I’m good.”

Balto skittered eagerly away from Jeremy. Don’t blame him. That looked painful.

“Okay. You got something with chocolate and vanilla ice cream, caramel, chocolate chips, peanut butter, and no nuts?”

“But you just—!” Scooper blustered, gesturing at Balto then the sign.

Jeremy snorted. “I don’t know what those are. Now. Whatcha got?” He leaned onto the counter.

Wait a minute… He knew every last thing I wanted… What was up with that? Even down to the no nuts!

I blinked and ran a hand over my face. I’m such an asstard! Duct tape a stick of dynamite to me, light the wick or whatever, and just watch me stare at the sparkles to find out where the dynamite is. Yes, I’m that dumb. My memory sucks worse than the Yankees—if you’re a Red Sox fan—and my brain must be smaller than Justin Bieber’s dick. And that’s saying something.

DID YOU KNOW?! Albert Einstein’s brain weighed about two hundred milligrams less than the average human brain?! Well, it did!

Scooper shoveled some ice cream into a cone. Then he handed the thing to Jeremy, who handed the epitome of deliciousness to me.

It looked like an anorexic waffle.

“C…could I have a bowl?” I asked nicely. “Oh! And a spoon.”

Scooper jammed a plastic spoon my way and flung a bowl in my general direction. “Erm…thanks…” I mumbled hastily as I leaped to catch the bowl. But, as I did so, my lump of ice cream fell out of the anorexic waffle.

REJECTED!!

Where did that come from?

Then, out of the blue—or gray, in the case of this place—the ice cream bowl materialized under the ice cream and caught it!

“Good things do happen to bad people!” Jeremy teased as the person who had caught my ice cream laughed quietly.

I didn’t laugh. That had taken “vampire” speed. Who the hell was this? You couldn’t move that fast as a human. It just plain old wasn’t possible.

“You get into the most absurd situations,” the person said. Jeremy was chuckling behind me.

“Oh my Orlando Bloom…” my mouth spewed out.

“That’s what she said,” the person continued, holding the bowl out to me. “That doesn’t make much sense, does it?”

I burst out crying. I seriously just stood there as sobs wracked through me.

"Do you want me gone that bad?” Ice Cream Savior asked, bewildered.

Jeremy took the ice cream into his own hands. “Good to see you again, man.”

I flooded forward and hugged the man in front of me. “You were supposed to be dead,” I sobbed. “Fallen, you vampire.”