Blood Isn't Always Thicker Than Water

“Hold it right there, missy,” Hannah the Guardian suddenly said, popping up out of nowhere and putting a finger to Callie’s chest—the top of it! Don’t go getting crude ideas, you retards! “You, sadly, don’t look too trustworthy, and neither does your record. Now back up.”

This chick was cool. I’d never actually seen Hannah in action, so this was pretty awesome. She could just walk up and get someone who was probably mentally unstable to step away from what she was going toward.

Callie scowled which somehow made her look even more dangerous. “Fricken spellweaver.” She then backed up two steps. “Why can’t I terrorize little Princey over there?”

Why did everyone call me that? And, wait, hold up, terrorize?! No way, José—this girl couldn’t be all of my former terrorists either molded together or reincarnated, could she? Or what if she’s someone new? My personal stalker—like what Pete is to Sam! No that’s got to be different. Dang it.

“Because he’s your superior,” Hannah said. “And he’s already gone through enough in his life. He doesn’t need a psychopathic bomber giving him blackmail or any shit like that.”

Callie gazed icily at Hannah. Callie was pretty darn tall, now that she wasn’t all hunched over and slinking around like a cat. I think she was almost six foot, which is kinda tall for a girl.

“Government officials,” Callie began, “are puppets. So why can’t the small fry be mine?”

“I’m not a puppet!” I exclaimed in confusion. “And I’m not a small fry, either! Maybe human government officials are, but I’m a free-minded individual.”

Callie transferred her gaze that had a climate equivalent to the Arctic’s to me. She stayed silent for a few seconds. “I guess getting you under my control is no use after all.”

And, suddenly, I felt like her blue eye was x-raying me, staring down into my soul and probing my inmost being. This girl was dangerous.

A hand landed on Callie’s shoulder. “If you make a bad impression during the first meeting, what use will we be?” some dude also in a red robe asked. He had sharp features and light brown hair. He seemed to be the most normal out of the entire group. “The King won’t have any trust in us.”

“Uh, I’m the Prince,” I piped up, sticking my head out from behind Hannah’s back.

Callie threw me another Arctic glare. Was she really considering going to college? She’d scare the entire dorm off the campus.

Then Lancaster spoke up. “Hannah, what did you mean by ‘bomber’ earlier?”

Hannah smirked. I swear I sensed it even though I couldn’t see it. “Callie Nixon…wanted in countless countries, though they all know her as the Bombing Bandit, which really isn’t that creative. But, hey, what are you gonna do? It’s hard to tell, but there are explosives hidden all over her; inside the robes, down the boots, hidden in her underwear, molded into the cross on her necklace, sewed into her headband.” Was this humanly possible? “Callie is also a Grade A, five star, practically unparalleled assassin.”

Now it was Callie’s turn to smirk. “Don’t get on my bad side, bitches. Especially you, Princey. I have inferiority issues.”

I blinked. “I’ll remember that.”

She pointed at me. “You better.” But there was some sort of glint in her blue eye. She winked with the brown one, and I saw her lips curl up a bit on one side, then she was walking over toward the Big Guy, back to me, boots silent as her feet landed on the ground. The phrase “silent but deadly” ran through my head.

I blinked again. What she had just done was very strange.

Freaky McHorrific suddenly started laughing his squeaky, greasy rat laugh. I hadn’t even noticed him crawl onto my car. Oh, wow! I just noticed: the license plate says “PRINCEY”. Haha. No wonder everyone calls me that.

I groaned as I looked where Freaky McHorrific’s red eyes were staring. The unmistakable form of my cape was flying through the surrounding woods, seeming to crash into everything imaginable, but still staying intact.

“What on Earth is that?” Sandy in Red asked.

“Nothing,” I said, defeated. I stepped forward and off the road a bit, away from all the people so the cape wouldn’t smash into anyone on its way to me. I folded my arms and closed my eyes, then turned my back to it. I opened my eyes once I felt that the cape had finished wrapping itself around my neck and draping over my shoulders. I glared forward moodily, hair flopping in front of my right eye. “Fucking cape…”

“So…you’re seriously the successor to King William?” the nameless guy with brown hair asked.

A nod jerked my chin into action. “Prince Caspian Ross, here,” I recited loftily. “Now can I please know what the hell you guys are? Some sort of…secret assassin organization?”

Sandy in Red smiled. That gave me an uneasy feeling inside. However, the presence of my cape made me feel safer. The thing was really freaking me out.

“Almost,” Sandy in Red admitted, still smiling in his insincere way. “We’re your personal assassin organization. Want someone gone, we’ll take care of ’em.” He snapped his fingers. “They won’t know what hit ’em.”

I swallowed awkwardly. “Great…” I ran my eyes over the five vampires in red again. “Does this organization have a name?”

Scarlet nodded. “The Secret Mutilation, Assassination, Terrorization, Torture and Interrogation Association for the Use of Vampire Royalty. At first, people tried to call us MATTI—for Mutilation, Assassination, Terrorization, Torture and Interrogation—but it never really stuck. And no one ever felt like saying ‘S-M-A-T-T-I-A-U-V-R’, so we began being called the Assassination Association. Then that got shortened to Ass Squared. When we need to resort to non-vulgar language, it’s called A Squared, but that’s no fun.”

I was impressed. “Can you tell me who organized this?”

“King William,” Sandy in Red informed me. “Once he found out the Guardian failed at killing you seventeen or so years ago, he decided to make up a group of vampires to do the dirty work for him.” He shrugged. “And we’ve been passed down to you.”

I nodded. “Alright. One at a time, I want your name and what you do for Ass Squared. Sandy clone, you first.” I stared at him with my black eyes, hoping I didn’t appear at all uncertain.

“Sandy. I do the terrorizing,” he stated proudly, smiling again. “It’s fun.”

“Scarlet Yolan, torture,” she said simply. Taking in her obviously very fit body, I took a guess at some of her methods of torture, so to speak.

“Jesse Green. I do interrogation,” the plain-lookin’ guy said. Well, he wasn’t really ugly, but not drop-dead gorgeous either. And I bet he was good at what he did. How else could he get into Ass Squared? I shouldn’t go judging books by their covers.

I’m such a bad boy.

Anyhoo! Callie was saying: “Callie Nixon. I assassinate. And I love it.” She smiled her devilish and fanged smile again.

Moving on… “Your turn, big guy,” I said, looking at the huge dude in a red robe-like garment.

I would not have been surprised if he said “Goliath”, but that wasn’t what I got. He said in a gruff, deep voice, “Alvin Broker. Mutilation.”

Why am I not surprised?

“Now, can you think of anything your group has done that I just might know about?” I asked, looking toward Sandy in Red, who was leaning against the open back door to my car so he could be near my Sandy. Freaky McHorrific and Hannah were sitting on the roof. I probably should’ve cared, but I really didn’t.

“Oh, we were the ones who took care of Richard Ricardo,” Scarlet said. “You visited him once didn’t you?”

I nodded glumly. “If it weren’t for Rick I probably wouldn’t be here right now.”

We all stayed in a thoughtful silence for a few seconds, but this seemed to be Sandy in Red’s limit. He tripped over to me hastily and said, “Well, since King Liam’s dead, we’re yours now. If you ever need our assistance, just tell Sandy. He’ll get the message to me. And I’m leader! Um, yeah.”

Okay, this guy is almost exactly like me. Cool.

“Anything else I need to know about?” I asked.

Sandy in Red looked around at everyone, then shook his head. “No, I don’t think so.”

Then Jesse cleared his throat. “Yes, Sandy. There is something else.” Jesse walked forward, reaching into a bag slung over his slim frame. “This is our info, Prince Caspian. Of course Sandy would forget about the papers.” He handed me a packet of papers that wasn’t that thick. “And then there’s this contract,” Jesse said, pulling out another sheet of paper. “I had to think it up on short notice, but I think it’s okay. Anyway, it says that we—A Squared—follow every one of your demands, as long as we deem it reasonable. And if we don’t, which is rare, we come to a compromise. If any other difficulties with the compromise come up, we well deal with them when the time comes. This sounds pretty rough and unfinished, but it worked well with King William. Let’s hope the same goes for you. Whenever A Squared carries out one of its jobs, we try to cover our tracks as efficiently and thoroughly as possible.”

“Or just leave none in the first place,” Callie interjected.

“And if anything is found,” Jesse continued smoothly, “that can lead to the blame of any of us five, the blame will go under any of our codenames, since we’re already wanted in countries all over the world. None of our deeds are to ever trace back to the vampire royalty. In other words, you and whoever succeeds you. And to further hide our connection to you, we will burn the contract after all of us sign it. May we all remember the contract and what it entails with clarity.”

I gaped at Jesse. Remember? Entails? Clarity? Me?

“From the outside, we’ll appear to be a completely independent organization—or independently acting individuals, depending on the situation. The Guardian, the human, and the rat need to sign a secrecy act. And that’s it. Sound good?” Jesse stared expectantly at me.

Then I asked probably the weirdest question that could have been thought of at that time. Well, in my head, at least. “Will I ever get to join Ass Squared on its missions?”

Every single last living being in the vicinity—therefore excluding Alvin—stared at me like I had gone mad.

“What?” I asked. “What if I ever want to get personal revenge or something, but I need Ass Squared’s help?”

“Um,” Jesse began, “I guess so. Whatever the Prince wants, we’re supposed to make sure he gets it.” He quickly sighed. “Alright. Everyone satisfied?”

“Oh, one more thing,” I said.

I could feel everyone wilt slightly as I spoke.

“No, this one’s gonna be good for you guys,” I said, looking everyone with a red robe in the eyes before continuing. Well, Alvin had gray goggles on for some reason, so did it still count for him? “If any of you have personal desires you want to take care of, tell me about it, and if I approve, you’ve got the A-okay to go ahead and carry it out. Sound good?” I finished, quoting Jesse.

All of them stared at me. Finally, Callie said, “You’re nothing like King William.”

I shrugged. “I know.”

Then Jesse had us all sign a blank piece of paper, which I figured was really retarded. He said it symbolized our silence and disconnection from each other. I thought it represented Jesse’s brain activity. How did he manage to be good at interrogating people? I probably didn’t want to know.

“Alright, let’s burn it,” Callie said after she signed, a manic glint in her blue eye.

“Not so fast,” Jesse said gently, like Callie herself could blow up like one of her bombs. “We still need to use this for the Secrecy Act.”

Yeah, I have no idea how this guy survives in Ass Squared. He’s whack.

But Lancaster, Hannah and Freaky McHorrific all signed. McHorrific had to just make a footprint, but good enough.

“What about Sandy?” I asked, pointing to my personal servant to avoid confusion.

“Oh,” Scarlet said, biting her lip. “You guys gonna tell him?”

Sandy in White nodded. “Cas, there’s absolutely no reason for me to sign anything. Actually, I already have.”

“You haven’t touched the pen,” I said, ignoring Callie as she snickered.

“Sandy and I,” my Sandy said, “are one person, Cas, separated into two parts.”

I blinked. “Is that why you’re so short?”

Both of them nodded, and Sandy in Red said, “For some reason, I’m more emotional and stuff than this guy here,”—he poked my Sandy—“but because of that I’m the only one who can actually go after someone for Ass Squared and be motivated.”

My Sandy yawned. “And I’m the lazy one who’s totally self-centered but acts like I care about Princey.”

Sandy in Red slapped him, but I felt like I had been slapped. I also felt like my heart had dropped down an inch or two. My eyebrows pulled together as I stared at Sandy.

He scowled a little and shoved his other half away. “Gee, I was just kidding. Cas rules. I love hanging out with him.”

I still felt really…slapped. Why would he say that, even if he didn’t mean it?

Sandy in Red rolled his eyes. “Shut up, man. Let’s just burn the freakin’ paper already.”

Callie slunk forward, fangs peeking out from behind her lips. “Let me do the honors.” She grabbed the paper, and I don’t know what happened next, but there was a SNAP! sound, then the paper was up in flames and smoke. Callie was smiling ecstatically.

“Have you really not burned something in that long?” Scarlet asked.

“Shut up,” Callie snarled, looking dangerous again. “I haven’t blown anything up or set a single thing on fire in two weeks. Don’t ruin it for me.”

I like this girl. She may be a psychopathic maniac, but she’s still seriously cool.

“Isn’t Pete going to be wondering where we are?” Lancaster asked.

“Yeah, come on Cas,” Hannah said. “Let’s get going.”

“Wait a second,” I said, then cocked my head to the side, listening intently. “Anyone else hear something?”

“Not…really…” Lancaster said, but stopped when all of us vampires and the Guardian and the rat threw him furious glances.

“Yeah,” Scarlet finally said. “What is that?”

I thought really hard, then snapped my fingers. “I know!” I dove into the woods across the street and came back out leading a happily trotting Border Collie by the scruff of the neck. “Everyone, this is my dog, Monty. Where have you been boy? Did you run away?”

He just smiled lopsidedly at me.

“Ugh, let’s go already,” Sandy in White said. “If I stay much longer, I simply won’t be able to stand myself.”

I glared at him, still hurt from his earlier words. “You, be quiet.” I pointed at him, black eyes probably glinting.

He looked a bit surprised but followed orders.

“I’ll see all of you later, I guess,” I told Ass Squared.

Scarlet and Jesse nodded. Alvin just stayed silent, as usual. Sandy in Red said, “If I give you any trouble, just tell me, alright?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I’ll try to remember that.”

He smiled creepily and began walking into the woods, closely followed by Alvin then Scarlet and Jesse. Callie just kinda stood there staring at me.

“What?” I asked.

“Why are you with the Guardians?” she asked.

I looked at the ground for a second, then looked up and smiled confidently. “’Cause they’re my friends.”

She stared at me for a few seconds, then nodded and silently slipped into the woods, following the trail of her group.

I stared after them for a while, then walked around the car and got into the driver’s seat. Lancaster was next to me, then Sandy, Hannah, Freaky McHorrific and Monty shared the back three seats. McHorrific just sat in Hannah’s lap, so Monty got his own seat.

I looked at Lancaster, and he stared right back. Then I averted my eyes and stared at the road ahead of me, fingers turning the key to start the ignition. “Okay, guys. Let’s go home.”

I dug into my ears with my fingers. I could not have just heard Pete right. “Um, what?” I asked, standing in front of my car, facing the depressing and sad-looking front of the manor.

“I said,” Pete repeated irritably, “that from now on you can only use that car for emergencies.”

I stared at him dumbstruck for a little while, then I said, “Steal my ice cream and fuck me sideways, but you ain’t my daddy. That car is mine. I can drive it if I want.”

“Uh, I know I’m not your dad. Seriously, I want you to have total freedom with your car. But I didn’t make this decision.”

I stopped my half-thought-of retort before it could escape my mouth. “What? Then who did?”

Pete swallowed. “Seriously, I don’t know. This bunch of old farts just walked into the manor and told me to send you to them.”

“Yeah,” George agreed. “They called themselves ‘the council’. Then they just went into the long room with the fire and locked the door!”

I was taken aback. “Hmm. That sounds pretty fucked up.” Fallen’s language was getting to me. I knew it.

“Y’think?!” George exclaimed. “Now get in there and show ’em who’s boss. You’re the Prince, so you are the boss, right?”

I bit my lip. “Seriously George, I don’t know.”

George’s eyes narrowed on me. “Please don’t call me that. Our father was George. I’m not; I’m Ryan.”

I’d never thought of that. “I’ll remember that. Sorry.”

“Cas…” Samantha randomly whispered. She stared at me with a worried frown on her face. She looked concerned and…repulsed.

Was it the cape?

“What happened to you?” she asked softly.

I looked at her emotionlessly, which must have been very effective, what with the black eyes. “A lot,” I answered blandly, then walked softly into the manor, closely followed by an uncertain Lancaster and a swaggering, completely confident Sandy. My cape swished around my ankles. I narrowly missed tripping several times before my short journey to the Long Room was completed. I opened the door carefully and peered inside. I didn’t really know what to expect. All I had been told was that a couple of old farts came to call, and they had named themselves “the council”. Thrilling.

The scene that met my eyes when they landed on “the council” was pretty strange. There were nine men seated around the Main Table, four down each side and one in front of the fire. I didn’t even want to know where they got the chairs from.

Lady Ivy sat across from the man who was by himself at the end of the table. She was using her venomous voice again. I decided to eavesdrop because I felt like it. None of them knew I was there yet so pshaw.

Lancaster and Sandy came up behind me. They joined me in my illegal listening…thing, Lancaster standing kinda next to and behind me. Sandy slithered up onto my back to listen in.

“…won’t have any connection to the outside,” Lady Ivy was saying. “What are you going to do about that?”

“That’s what we’re here to resolve,” the dude across from Lady Ivy said in a completely unremarkable voice. “He won’t need to constantly, since he’s got to go, no doubt about that.”