I Should Have Never

I should have never made that promise. I should have never whispered those words. I should have never fallen in love with you. I should have never hurt you. I should have never lied. I should have never hoped you wouldn’t find out.

But I was doing this now, and I knew there was no going back.

I turned and walked quickly, knowing that I was making the worst decision of my life. This felt easier than I thought it would; then again, what I had done to you felt much better than it should have.

My mind was set on nothing other than making my flight, praying my conscience wouldn’t decide to make a surprise appearance and tell me to go back home. After everything I’d managed to destroy, the only option I had left at this point was leaving. I almost had not a clue where I was going, other than away from here. The plane ticket in my hand told me I was going to America, but I’d never heard of the city I was due to land in.

I had made a mistake - a very, very bad mistake. I’d made a whole damned series of them. But I wasn’t ready to face them, because it would only rip me apart to admit aloud what I had done; I knew it would rip you apart, too. How can you look someone in the eye after you’ve hurt them so? It’s just simply impossible.

If leaving my home was the only thing I had left after this, my life really wasn’t anything I had ever hoped it to be. If my only option was to run away after I’d done the cruelest act of my life, then I really wasn’t anything like the person I had hoped to be. I was a failure to you all, I know it. Believe me, I am completely aware of the destruction I had caused and now leave in my wake. That’s why I figured leaving here would be best for everyone, so no one would need to deal with me and my failures, ever again.

Apparently I’m not as good at keeping promises as I once thought I was.

I promised you I would never leave. I knew you needed me. I once needed you, too. I told myself I’d always be here, where else would I go? I told you that I didn’t want to be anywhere else besides with you, and at the time, I meant it. I would give anything to still mean it. Unfortunately I have nothing left to give.

The first thing I packed was my camera.

We had been together over a year when I whispered “Would you be forever mine?” and slipped that pretty little diamond on your finger. You smiled bigger than I had ever seen. I was elated, just to know you actually wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. I wanted to spend the rest of mine with you, too, I really did.

But then I met her.

I was at my gate, sitting in one of those chairs that is connected to all the others. I stared out of those windows mindlessly, wishing that I wasn’t thinking of you right now. It was only going to make dragging my feet onto the plane that much harder. I watched people come and sit down, staring out that same window as me. I wondered what they were thinking about. Were they, too, running away from something? I could bet they weren’t running away for the same reasons I was.

I wished I never would have fallen in love with you. You deserve someone so much better than me. I wish I could erase my memory, and never have noticed the way you tuck your hair behind your ear and barely smile. That was the first thing that got me falling for you. I wish you really would stop doing that.

Men on laptops and cell phones crowded into one corner of the gate, chatting away on their mobile devices and pitching ideas to whomever was on the other line. Their world consisted of only business, all the time. I wondered if any of them were in love. They seemed so cold-hearted and ruthless with the way they ferociously typed away on those keys of their laptops, speaking rapidly into the phone to secure that last deal. Business is a game; you either win, or you lose. Love is not; you almost always lose.

I should get into a business.

But you always told me I was too creative for a ‘real job’. How was I supposed to be destined for anything but creativity when I had a brother in a band, and spent more time than not with that camera attached to my hand? I guess that’s why I’ll never be able to settle down and actually commit. Maybe I’m not meant to have a ‘real life’.

I should have never hurt you. I could see how much you smiled less when this all started. When you figured out I was slipping away, even as the date to seal us together forever neared closer. You knew I was slipping, and I saw it in the way your smile faltered every time. It was a mistake to let it get that far. You looked like I had started hitting you in the way your eyes became so lifeless. I watched as you grew more and more detached, all the while guilt started to pile onto my shoulders every night I spent away from you.

A voice on a loudspeaker called for section A of the flight to get in line for their tickets to be scanned, and then to board the plane. That was me. Just the thought of you had my legs weighted down, making it hard for me to stand up with ease and file into the line. I held that ticket in my hand, nearly crushing the life out of the already flat piece of paper. It was probably soaked in sweat, making it embarrassingly difficult for me to hand it to the lady scanning tickets.

Her teeth were too white, and her hair was too blonde. She looked nothing like you, but she looked everything like her.

I waited as she scanned it, and suddenly I didn’t want the ticket back. I didn’t want any of this. I wanted to be home, with you in my arms, and that ring on your finger. I should have never lied to you. Every lie that slipped out of me was bouncing around in my head, just another reminder of everything I’d done wrong. The taste of every lie still lingered in my mouth, but it’s a funny thing you know, deceit has ways of sticking around.

But I was boarding the plane now after the ticket had been shoved back to me, about to fly away from the Steel City I knew, without even so much as a goodbye. I didn’t tell you I was leaving, I didn’t tell anyone. You’ll all figure it out sooner or later, when you don’t see me around, and all of my things are gone. You’re better off without me, just keep telling yourself that, because that’s what you said when you found out.

I sat down in my seat, headphones in my ears to block out all the sound I didn’t want to hear. This was all going to be over as soon as we got into the air, and then there really was no going back. I’m not ever coming back. And I will never make this mistake again, because I won’t be able to bear it if I have to sneak off again after watching how much my mistakes affected someone else so deeply.

I should have known you would find out I cheated on you.