When It All Fell Apart

Deardiaryjournal whatever the fuck this is,

There has to be a reason for everyone to live, right? Well, I haven't found it yet. Maybe I never will. Or maybe that reason has been right in front of my face for my entirepathetic existence. Perhaps that reason is the very person who I would like to share almost anything with. Anything but my feelings of course.It's Cameron.

He's so fuckingstupidperfectbeautifulamazing indescribable. That's just it. He'll keep me guessing until the very end. He makes me question everything I've ever known; my life, my sanity,and most of all my feelings. Damn, I should really start writing in pencil. At least then I won't have to cross out so many times.I second-guess myself too much. See what I mean?

Anyway...

Lately, there's been this huge weight on my chest. I feel like... I'm missing something. It's kind of like when you forget something, and you know you did, you just can't remember what. That's how it is right now. Although whenever I am within close proximity of Cameron, I feel as if I'm about to remember. What I'm trying to say is, I... I think that I love him. And this shouldn't be a big deal to me, but it is. He's my twin after all, my own flesh and blood. So why does it feel so weird to say that I love him?

Maybe because it's more than that...Maybe it's because I'm in love with him. God, I hope not. I've never wanted that tiny voice in the back of my head to be wrong more then I do right now.

But you can also say that I'm not making much of an effort to suppress these feelings either; because I even wrote a crappy poem about them- about him. I might as well put it on this sheet of paper too.

You're the reason why my heart beats,
(You started it in the first place)

You're the reason why my lungs work,
(You are the air I breath)

You're the reason why my brain functions,
(You are my every thought)

But most of all,

You're the reason I can't stand to live,
(You will never be mine)

If anyone every reads this, my life is officially over.I sound like a teenage girl.

---Colton

My eyes stayed glued to the paper for an eternity. Long after I had finished reading every word on that crumpled piece of paper, I just couldn't comprehend it. This is what Colton had been thinking all the while? While I was in a fucking endless state of confusion, mulling over my own feelings, he felt exactly that same.

Why the hell did I find this now?

It's no use anymore. Colton obviously doesn't feel that same way that he did whenever he wrote this. I should be glad, too. But I'm not. I just can't be. No matter how hard I force myself, I can't push these stupid fucking feelings to the back of my mind. Colton, Colton, Colton, Colton... he's the reason... he's the cause for everything.

I've been forgotten about in school because of Colton. I've been pushed to the back of everyone's mind because of Colton. I'm so damn confused because of Colton. I gave up a good portion of my moral because of Colton.

Who knew that one person would change my life so drastically?

The sad part is, I wasn't even sure if I wanted him to. If I could rewind time and reverse everything that's happened between us, both emotionally and physically, would I? I'd like to say yes, I really would.

But that would be a lie, and I don't want to lie to myself anymore.